a conversation with paul meany

i went to mute math's concert tonight. actually it was mae's concert, with mute math, circa survive, and discover america supporting them. the ticket was $13. once ticketmaster got done adding on fees, the ticket was nigh $25. parking was $8. my obligatory t-shirt was $15. there was a curfew enacted, so all the sets were shortened to let people out early and mute math was on stage for a little over 20 minutes for 4 songs (“chaos”, “plan b”, “control”, and “reset”). i don't regret it though. i got to hang with paul meany and darren king for a while. it's amazing how humble those guys can be in light of how talented they are. i tried to get my any of my two mute math inclined friends on the phone to talk to paul, but one of them was sleeping like a rock and his grandmother couldn't wake him up... and the other? i didn't have her cell number in my phone. sorry. really sorry about that. i tried though.

paul says warner bros. opted not to pick them up, but they're still checking out some other options. they'll be back out on tour around february and they'll bring macrosick with them. that show's gonna be on fire. they'll release the cd around the same time too. other noteworthy banter... i got to ask paul what earthsuit's "do you enjoy the distortion" was about. he had the coolest answer: "i don't really know!" but the loose theme was "the distortion" referred to the distortion of the truth. i can deal with that.

i asked him what his songwriting process is like and he said they develop over time. some songs like "ok" were written all at once. a few of the new songs for the next album came all at once. where "peculiar people" took 3 years to write. i know. i'm easily amazed. but i just finished writing a song that i had been mulling on and laboring with for over a year. it's nice to know that some of my process mirrors those who i hold to be absolutely freaking genius.

by the way, mae's set wasn't bad. i've always dug the guy's voice, and love their trademark of juxtaposing pristine piano parts with gritty guitar riffs, but paul meany was in the lobby during their set. they just couldn't compete with that. but from what i hear, mute math's short set was said to be the show stealer most everytime. i liked mae though. i bought their album the everglow used, but i listened to it, and it didn't have the magic of destination: beautiful. however, i knew to wait to see them live before making the final decision to sell their cd. they barely made it in by the catchy hook of their song “the ocean”: “you come over announced... / i need you here tonight just like the ocean needs the waves.” though i was incorrectly singing “you come over, in, and out” unawares for quite awhile, it doesn't matter now. the cd stays. i got to chit chat with my musical hero, and all is well.

everything that has a beginning

i feel “the end” coming. blogspot is fully searchable now. my little pseudo-anonymous stash for my thoughts can be easily found using my real name. i'm none to pleased about it. i have a blog that most people are likely to find... a blog that few people are likely to even check for... and then of course, a “you bet' not tell nobody but God... it'a kill yo mama”-type journal that nobody will ever find. as if anyone's really looking.

“gotta go to place where i can explode / where they don't ask me questions / where they don't even know my name / so i'm goin' to the underground” - bernadette cooper, “the underground”

the point is, i have to find some other place of freedom where who i am and what i think doesn't have to be influenced by the confines of who's looking, who may be upset, who'll misunderstand and then subsequently try to make my life difficult, and you know i don't want to have to cuss nobody out. lawd, please don't let nobody come up to my face trippin' 'cause they didn't like what i wrote in my blog.

solar maximum

among other things i've learned that may or may not have any pertinent future application, i now know that during the sun's roughly 11-year-long solar cycle, it passes through solar minimums and maximums where magnetic disturbances on the surface are more common, prevalent, frequent, etc.

i could commiserate. right now, there's just a lot more activity going on at the surface that i would really like. visualize me with that disdainful old man face when youthful, boisterous children playing in a nearby pool begin splashing so much that it flecks him with water. there's just too much going on. i'm on sensory overload and i can't really take it all in.

i'm sure Jesus didn't have that problem. with an entire crowd of devotees (and others) all up in his grill, some nameless woman barely touches the bottom of his tunic and he's like "whoa. stop the presses. somebody just touched me." not so with mark, i say. because right now, it seems like most everything is all up in my grill. little kids splashing me. sunspots speckling my surface. professors all wanting me to deliver. bills that demand to be paid. songs that wish i had time to record them. family that... nevermind.

if i were Jesus, right about now, i would probably tell that throng of devotees (and others) to back up off me. or rock one of those classic "peace be still" edicts where nothing living or dead dares make a sound until i say otherwise. or modern living might give way and i instead rock something a bit more matrix-like and just speed up so fast that everything around me appears to go in slow motion.

i can only do what i can do, but i guess my limits are being tested. my comfort zone is being stretched. it's not pleasant, but then again, when is it ever. i maintain that i still love it all even though, it's just upsetting right now. the big picture is overwhelming me, so i think i'll just zoom in real tight on the details that i can deal with... and deal with them. everything else will just have to wait.

“and when my enemies draw near, i pray that they will find that i'm protected and secure. all tempests he will bind with a mighty word. oh how i would have dispaired if you had not come found me there. i can lean against your throne and find my peace... find my peace.” - jennifer knapp, “peace”

stress aftermath (note to self)

just a note to self for hindsight's sake. i think i understand what's going on (in the aftermath of last week's unduly stressful week). i've noticed that i'm less inclined to be stringent about my committment towards my classes. a little late here, let that assignment slide, be there, but your mind can be somewhere else, etc... see, i was working at a fairly constant effort level for most of this semester. and then me overcommitting myself outside of school, not balancing my time well (read: failing to say no to pointless extracurriculars), and absorbing the shock of the family-related stress put me in the straits. i had to grind extra hard just to get back to a normal level. now i'm tired and spent and just trying to do as little as possible. and i do mean LITTLE. i'm averse to the work now. i'm not quite sure what to do, but i'm going to continue trying to put the pieces together. i'll get some sleep, eat better, consult with God, and engage in some recreation when possible. hopefully that works. i don't wanna get straight B's this semester. 'cause i could really do well on this one. maybe even better than the last.

what am i gonna do now

“what am i gonna do now / four years past / and still no return / heard a story about you / that said you / went to the moon / had to search for myself / and learn for myself / and be by myself...” - ambersunshower, “running song”

conflict has put the sticks to me. things aren't peachy keen in my immediate family right now. amidst a lot of thought, prayer, and counsel, it's looking like i may need to temporarily estrange myself from my closest relations. don't get me wrong. i've always been in favor of the idea, but the concept of being elsewhere for a major holiday (or two) is normally met with the highest resistance. tall warriors armed to the teeth, strap on double barrel weapons loaded with guilt and point them at the leg that supports my weight. i don't think they want me to get away.

they don't mean to, but they do. they don't understand that they do. and i'm beginning to, myself, understand that they don't understand. it's still a huge risk. and if i'm wrong, i'll be quite wrong. and the ensuing guilt may never let up. i just don't want to continue taking it on the chin to appease them. am i wrong to feel like i don't have to participate with them? is all of heaven going to be against me if i decide to take this step for my own benefit?

i feel tethered by them. and that just sounds wrong. i don't feel enabled, empowered, supported by them. they pray for me... diligently. apart from that, i'm fairly on my own. am i wrong to be so comfortable with that? to prefer it that way? unless posed to God, these are all rhetorical questions. i wouldn't trust anyone else's answer anyway. i don't even trust my own. i just know that i really need to...

scratch that. i don't know how to finish that sentence either.

take care of me

there were several interesting sounding parties and events to go to yesterday. friday night in los angeles. even among friends at church, it was a high social time. but not for i, said mark. i took my butt home and went to sleep, for this week has been one of the single most difficult of the entire semester for me. with drama on top of work on top of fatigue on top of frustration.

to make a long story short, last weekend, i pushed aside all of the duties i had to take care of to visit my immediate family in my hometown. while the visit was almost all pleasant, just in the last minutes of my visit, my i had a disagreement with my mother which, though i concluded the trip without incident, resulted in me weeping incessantly for the first two-thirds of my already-rainy 90 minute trip home.

i tried to confront the situation with my sister (who was the only one awake), which lead to her being so frustrated that she started crying too... which lead to my mother being pissed off at me for making my sister cry... which compounded further my frustration about her being generally apathetic and invalidating towards my feelings. this is the short version of the story, told chiefly from my side, but the gist is, i've spent most of this week praying to God for answers about the fairly crippling bitterness i feel towards my mother, her house, and the entire city it's in.

after 6 hours of sleep, my face was swollen the next morning. i looked like oprah winfrey as sophia just fresh out of her jail. it was a wreck. i couldn't get a breather though. i had things that had to be taken care of at church, and obligations that had to be taken care of at home. i got what sleep i could and then tried to plug away at it. i didn't make my deadline, but fortunately my client was understanding (and God knows i needed the grace).

i showed up at my day job for 4 hours on monday so they wouldn't think i was completely abandoning them. and then i was on my way to preparing for the next day's trifecta of graphic design presentations in three different classes from 11am to 9pm with only two hours in-between. i didn't make it. i had absolutely nothing to show. which hurt the worst in my evening graphic design class where the critique had to go on without me. keep in mind, that i had worked on and revised my piece for like 2-3 weeks, sacrificing from other classes to develop it more, and in the end, i missed the final showdown. and you better believe i was fighting a whole train of resentful thoughts towards the people who distracted me for this weekend when i should have been taking care of me.

i got reprieve from a couple teachers on tuesday, and then i called my boss and told her i wouldn't be in on wednesday, and i began trying to make my way back to the land of sanity and control. i actually took 2-3 hours to go shopping for clothes. this seemed to stimulate my keenness on color while designing last week, so i decided to try it again as opposed to wracking my brains in my little cubicle at home. so when i finally got moving, i worked around the clock until about 6am the next morning.

i slept for 2 hours and then crammed 15 minutes of study in for my astronomy midterm starting at 9:30am. came back home at 11, threw together drafts for one of the classes i missed, went back to the campus at 3, left the campus to print the project i'd worked on the previous night, came back to the campus and spent a couple hours assembling it, got to class and tried to stay awake for the lecture.

i thought i'd have come straight home and collapsed after that class, but somehow i got home and was wide awake. so i proceeded with my previously abandoned plans to see amel larrieux host bliss live night at the temple bar in santa monica again. God told me it was ok to go and things worked out. a DJ friend of mine worked it out so i didn't have to pay to get in, and i still got to chat with amel briefly, which is honestly all i wanted. what an honor to be able to just go in and see her, then go home and go to sleep. God is amazing.

i had a recollection though. after the amazing grind i went through on thursday, i was still willing to drive a half-hour to a bar, just to see amel larrieux. a very illuminate individual, obviously amel larrieux does something for me. 'cause i should have been asleep. bakersfield however does nothing for me. i believe maybe it might have been God trying to tell me that instead, perhaps, my purpose in having to keep making these trips is to do something for them.

one last hurrah on friday, i had a 2½ hour astronomy lab, and i was free. a friend of mine invited me out to parouse a record store in hollywood, which sounded like a good idea. and then i thought better of it. all though this is one of my boys that i always enjoy hanging out with, i recall once shirking what i really felt lead to do in favor of going out and doing something else, and surprise, surprise... i ended up not enjoying the time at all. i politely called and excused myself. “thanks, but you know what? i don't want to go anywhere. i need to turn off.” i needed not to have an obligation to fulfill for once this week. i needed to recharge.

so i got in my car and went to the barbershop, got beard and moustache trimmed. stopped for a few hours at my pastors' house and just spent time laughing and smiling with people i like. people who don't particularly want or need anything from me at all. oh.. 'twas a great, great feeling. i went from there home and just slept. i didn't set an alarm, i just slept. and when i got up, late in the night, i took my time. and when i got done, taking my time, i leisurely worked on some music. and when i got done with that, i took myself a long hot shower, washed my hair, oiled it, and retwisted it.

and this afternoon when i woke up, i looked like i hadn't been through hell at all. didn't smell like smoke anymore. people, it's a wonderful thing to have peace. if i could, i would say yes to every obligation, every possibility, every opportunity, and save the day for as many people as i can. but that job first and foremost belongs to God. i'll let him be everybody else's hero, 'cause have limitations. mad limitations. i can't even do what i can do for anybody else if i don't take care of myself, because if i don't take care of me... who else will?

if i was a drinker

i often say this, but it bears repeating.

if i was a drinker, i would be drinking right now. i have had the weekend from hell. scratch that. two of them. and people wonder why monday is my favorite day of the week. tabula rasa.

my priorities have been misaligned, seemingly no matter what i do. i put time and effort into something and it turned out to be worthless. i let something small slide, and it turned out to be a major loss.

"i think i said something wrong. now i long for yesterday."

i know what i did.

scratch that.

what i've done.

and it's thrown me off-kilter spiritually. i'm done though now. i pity the next person to get in my way, because i have no mercy left, and i will mow them down.

DOWN.

the space in-between

a little kid abruptly stopped splashing around in a pool for a moment to stare quietly and pensively, and then resumed frolicking as if nothing had happened.

an elderly woman slipped into a coma for several weeks, and when she regained consciousness, she hadn't perceived that any time passed by.

a young man narrowly missed being hit by a car, and swears that as he slid out of the way, the car crawled by in slow motion and his whole life flashed before his eyes.

the television reception went on the blink in the middle of a show, but then returned later in the middle of one of the commercials.

there was a long unceremonious pause, and then everything came to life again.

this is what it feels like when i pass through periods in life like the last month. it's like the pace and momentum of everything his bustling and electric, just the way i like it and then, whether subtlely or suddenly life starts going really slowly and all of the sounds are muffled, i don't respond as fast to stimuli in my environment. i feel like i'm sleepwalking through life, and none of it throws my system into shock. i just learn to accept the disturbance until then one day everything arbitrarily snaps back into place and i resume walking at my normal, usual, comfortable gait with bustling electricity all about me.

there are long unceremonious pauses, and then everything comes to life again. but i wonder however about the space in-between. what happened before everything ground to a halt. what absorbed all of that boundless kinetic energy i was exuding? did i do something wrong? (action/sin of commission) did i let something atrophy? (inaction/sin of omission) is there a purpose to these periods? is this just my body's healthy way of recharging during these periods where i feel like i can't get it together and can't get anything done? and why is everything back to normal now? is this just going to happen from time to time? is it out of my control?

the consistency of this last episode, this last month, was odd in that there were plenty of really high points sprinkled throughout the generally low trend. i got to help a close friend celebrate his birthday and his surprise engagement at the same time. i gave away some old clothes and bought some new ones... that helped me step with a little more confidence. i took on the job of supervising and streamlining the media ministry at my church and i seem to be doing well so far. i'm loving every minute of these demanding art courses (stressful and not) this semester now that i have professors who are challenging, and believe in me enough to take out time to help.

on the other hand, i felt fairly sedate whenever nothing interesting was going on (even though i could pull it together and smile and function easily whenever there was a novel event to attend or otherwise stimulating people to interact with). it wasn't one of those spells where i was constantly heavy and wanted to cry all the time. au contraire! i was cool as a cucumber for most of the time, regardless of what was going on. but it seems like, i couldn't "get high" for anything. getting me to go to my job and be productive while i was there was like pulling teeth. especially since my boss finally got the gall to call me on the carpet about my poor performance, generally bad attitude, and ill punctuality as of late. i was beyond excited that she finally said something about the elephant in the room, but i subsequently resented that i had to continue doing this menial unimportant work. fortunately, i had the luxury of working short hours or taking the day off most of the time.

"We'd lived in America for a year and a half and I still really didn't have any friends and I didn't like it... I didn't fit in anywhere because I was the chubby English girl and didn't want to drive a BMW and have a Kate Spade bag and wear designer clothing and be in that world. I went to this place and I sat next to this person and he just started talking to me, and I was like, 'Golly, this person's talking to me. Why?' And then I met this whole little group of people and he goes, 'Oh here, take this. It's really great. It will make you feel really good.' So I took it, and then suddenly I was at the center of attention... In the beginning, you do it because it makes you feel good — and then it gets to the point were it stops making you feel good and you do it because you don't know what else to do." -- Kelly Osbourne on the beginnings of her drug addiction

i didn't know what else to do most of the time either, so i tried several things. i hadn't abandoned God, i still prayed and tried to keep up a steady regiment of worship and communion, but i was impatient and frustrated that answers weren't coming fast enough. there were a couple really destitute periods where i turned to pornography in hopes of getting a "buzz" and that really didn't do the trick. i knew it wouldn't, but i was desperate at the time, tired of fighting to do the right thing and i chose to give up. this apparently left me notably vulnerable. i was walking around without my wits about me last weekend and almost fell into a tryst with a woman i hardly even knew. that's not like me.

i spent more money than i would have liked to... going out with friends to places i wasn't terribly keen on going, buying people things partially hoping that their joy might put a smile on my face... still, it wasn't as rewarding as it used to be. apart from whatever joy it brought them and me enjoying the actual time spent, i didn't feel like i had anything to show for it when it was all said and done. worst of all, i spent time not just by the hours... but by the bushels of hours... by the truckloads of bushels of hours... and i don't know where the time went or what i accomplished in any of it.

i just feel like i accidently misplaced a whole month, like someone would perhaps misplace a twenty-dollar bill. i could begrudgingly accept that it's gone... that is, if i had to. but if it at all possible, i'd really like to have it back. or at least be able to know where it went so i wouldn't just go around, losing twenty-dollar bills all willy-nilly... one here, one there... "oops! lost another one! where do those little buggers go? oh well." no, because if i blithely let things like that go by, well then, in no time, i will have lost enough twenties to pay rent on a small cracker-box-sized place such as the one where i live now. and even here, that's a lot of twenties. and a lot of time...

lost.

"every now and then i can see that i am getting somewhere. where i have to go is so deep. i was angry back then, and you know, i still am, but... i have lost too much sleep and i'm gonna find it." - jennifer knapp, "diamond in the rough"

i'll let you know if i find anything.

half of what you do

"I just wanna do / half of what you do / and I know it seems so strange for me to say it / if there is a hundred ways to say it / all in one it means / don't go away." - Janet, "One More Chance"

i wonder if this little snippet of song will ever stop resounding in my life. everytime i'm awestruck by some peer of mine being bigger, stronger, and or faster, i hear it play in my head. it has nothing to do with the please-take-me-back context of the song. i just identify so strongly with the emotion. the combination of the melody with the quiet plaintive inflections in the way she says "I just wanna do half of what you do". everytime i see somebody shining so brightly that i temporarily forget all the good things about me, the song plays just that way. not all of it, just that 30 seconds or so.

heh. today, a friend of mine told me, “mark you are the most intriguing person i know.” i thought “wow...” from a cursory glance, i guess i am pretty dang impressive. but then again, so is everyone else on the surface. i've been stepping up my wardrobe, piece by piece, but i still feel like i'm a couple beats behind my fashionista coequals. i've been tempering my naturally unfettered, manic energy in an attempt to be more like the even-keeled personalities that i admire. i don't consider it selling myself out. i guess i'd rather think of it as "endorsed evolution". essentially, it's "monkey see, monkey do" dressed up in trinkets and baubles so as to be palatable to my own snooty intellectual tastes. i see it, i like it, and then wanna customize it and make it part of my world somehow.

those things i see and want to embody so badly appear so readily to me. but the concept of someone else thinking me intriguing has a tendency to go in one ear and out the other. perhaps that's good, because it keeps me from getting puffed up with pride. yet, i wish i could enjoy moments like that more often. read the minds of these people whose lives i momentarily envy and see if there's ever a point where they look at me awestruck with what i've got, who i am, what i do, etc. i'm sure there's plenty of admirable things about me. wouldn't it even be cool if someone was jealous of me too! i'd get such a kick out of that. lol

but whatever. it's a pointless fancy. i can never wallow in this feeling long, because by all rights and means, i got it goin' on. i'm blessed with God's favor, great friends, loving family, and plenty to smile about. i'd rather have that anyway. you can't buy those things like you can a pair of low rise, slim fit, boot cut, rock star jeans.

but look, i'mma get me some of them jeans.

the eleventh hour, the nth time

i have managed my time badly. i had x, y, and z to take care of this weekend, and i think i dabbled with y... a little bit. the less important, q's, r's, and what not got full attention though. they commanded the entire fleet of my full attention. what do i have to show for it? not much. i did have quite a nice time with some friends this weekend, but it was at the expense of responsibilities that i am not prepared to face up to.

and then, at the eleventh hour, when the task could be postponed no more, i finally squeezed what little effort i could into a small paltry timespace and, with that, barely sqeaked by. yet another time. i wonder if i'm ever going to get tired of this.