women & trust

Lys gave a lengthy digital discourse on her blog about how in men, she prizes total honesty above all, she posed the question "what is the most important quality in a woman to you?"

Good question. I had to think about it for a minute, because honesty is really important. But I know scores of honest, virtuous, beautiful females (just acquaintances, people, I am neither a player, nor do I "crush a lot"). Honesty, virtue, and beauty notwithstanding... I'm not chasing after them.

My answer was TRUST.

Trust allows a man to be vulnerable when necessary. Vulnerability requires that, for all intents and purposes, guards not just be let down a bit, but abandoned and replaced with a confidence that the woman you're with has your best interests at heart, shares your values (read: "the two of us agree on what things are important to us"), and is, as my friend Kenny says, "committed to your committments".

This is important to me because I know I'm a very emotional guy. And "emotional guy" is not an oxymoron. It's just not always prevalent, and it does require some adjustments to the rules.

Previously I've allowed myself to lose all control and go flying in the wind with the first girl who turned my head and took to leading me around by the nostrils. I found that the ride itself wasn't all that much fun, and she dropped me off in the middle of nowhere, with no ride home. Not cool. So after I healed up real good, I put my guard up and it stayed that way. I stopped trusting because I didn't ever want to make any more such painful mistakes again.

Having that Y chromosome often demands that you keep on the offensive to forge ahead all the time. If you're by yourself, you also have to keep on the defensive as well. When your goal is to vini, vidi, and vici, you don't have time to risk losing it all by being vulnerable.

Trust helps you to be strong knowing that your woman will support you and back you up whenever there is trouble. There arises a problem when you can't be sure that the woman you're involved with or considering getting involved with is motivated primarily by greed, lust, or just a need for affirmation from an object of their affection.

I believe men are supposed to give to women. Still, just like agriculture, if you plant a certain crop that saps a particular nutrient from the ground without replenishing it, the ground is no longer a source of life. It's no more good to anyone else. You'll need to leave it fallow and unplanted for a long period of time before it renews itself.

Trust is intimate... you can't just do it with anybody and everybody. That's actually quite dangerous. And if you would easily give your trust to anyone, it wouldn't be worth much. For me, trust is only for a woman who would put God first above all... a woman who would be strong enough to leave me if I didn't do the same.

As for me? I'm single, but I don't have to be. I'm in California. Beautiful women are everywhere. Praise God almighty, it's a great place to be. But if all you needed was "beautiful", then you could move to California and "trust" every lovely flower you see. I suppose, since there is so much "beautiful" to see... now it's the norm to me. More is required to be exceptional.

I'll always be electrified by a beautiful face and soft curves, but I will never be taken over by that alone. Why not? There is obvious pleasure to be had by lowering your standard just a little in specific areas. But there's a lot that I want. And because I can personally attest to instances like this where it works just the way God said it could, I won't be happy and at peace if I don't set myself up to get that life.

I've seen examples of how good the symbiosis can be when men and women get together. It's like a dance. You may not be on the same rhythm with every other couple, but as long as you both keep in step with each other, it's beautiful.

"swift as a windsong
you sang the music of an honest bird
i waited for some contradiction
but truth was ringing in your every word
and every moment since then
the one thing i can tell
is that i belong with you and no one else

lay down those heavy burdens
on the banks of this riverdeep
know that every piece of your past
is always someplace safe with me
and there's no room for judgment
i want you as yourself
'cause i belong with you and no one else

we have both been broken
bent into painful shapes
we almost let those old fears
carry over and get in our way
every struggle just makes our love
get stronger than it was yesterday

so here we are now
ain't it lucky we survived at all
searching for self in separate rivers
and end up in the same waterfall
and when we're gray and wiser
the story i will tell
is that i belong with you and no one else
i belong with you and no one else
i belong with you

and no one else."
- amel larrieux, "no one else"