half of what you do

"I just wanna do / half of what you do / and I know it seems so strange for me to say it / if there is a hundred ways to say it / all in one it means / don't go away." - Janet, "One More Chance"

i wonder if this little snippet of song will ever stop resounding in my life. everytime i'm awestruck by some peer of mine being bigger, stronger, and or faster, i hear it play in my head. it has nothing to do with the please-take-me-back context of the song. i just identify so strongly with the emotion. the combination of the melody with the quiet plaintive inflections in the way she says "I just wanna do half of what you do". everytime i see somebody shining so brightly that i temporarily forget all the good things about me, the song plays just that way. not all of it, just that 30 seconds or so.

heh. today, a friend of mine told me, “mark you are the most intriguing person i know.” i thought “wow...” from a cursory glance, i guess i am pretty dang impressive. but then again, so is everyone else on the surface. i've been stepping up my wardrobe, piece by piece, but i still feel like i'm a couple beats behind my fashionista coequals. i've been tempering my naturally unfettered, manic energy in an attempt to be more like the even-keeled personalities that i admire. i don't consider it selling myself out. i guess i'd rather think of it as "endorsed evolution". essentially, it's "monkey see, monkey do" dressed up in trinkets and baubles so as to be palatable to my own snooty intellectual tastes. i see it, i like it, and then wanna customize it and make it part of my world somehow.

those things i see and want to embody so badly appear so readily to me. but the concept of someone else thinking me intriguing has a tendency to go in one ear and out the other. perhaps that's good, because it keeps me from getting puffed up with pride. yet, i wish i could enjoy moments like that more often. read the minds of these people whose lives i momentarily envy and see if there's ever a point where they look at me awestruck with what i've got, who i am, what i do, etc. i'm sure there's plenty of admirable things about me. wouldn't it even be cool if someone was jealous of me too! i'd get such a kick out of that. lol

but whatever. it's a pointless fancy. i can never wallow in this feeling long, because by all rights and means, i got it goin' on. i'm blessed with God's favor, great friends, loving family, and plenty to smile about. i'd rather have that anyway. you can't buy those things like you can a pair of low rise, slim fit, boot cut, rock star jeans.

but look, i'mma get me some of them jeans.