the space in-between

a little kid abruptly stopped splashing around in a pool for a moment to stare quietly and pensively, and then resumed frolicking as if nothing had happened.

an elderly woman slipped into a coma for several weeks, and when she regained consciousness, she hadn't perceived that any time passed by.

a young man narrowly missed being hit by a car, and swears that as he slid out of the way, the car crawled by in slow motion and his whole life flashed before his eyes.

the television reception went on the blink in the middle of a show, but then returned later in the middle of one of the commercials.

there was a long unceremonious pause, and then everything came to life again.

this is what it feels like when i pass through periods in life like the last month. it's like the pace and momentum of everything his bustling and electric, just the way i like it and then, whether subtlely or suddenly life starts going really slowly and all of the sounds are muffled, i don't respond as fast to stimuli in my environment. i feel like i'm sleepwalking through life, and none of it throws my system into shock. i just learn to accept the disturbance until then one day everything arbitrarily snaps back into place and i resume walking at my normal, usual, comfortable gait with bustling electricity all about me.

there are long unceremonious pauses, and then everything comes to life again. but i wonder however about the space in-between. what happened before everything ground to a halt. what absorbed all of that boundless kinetic energy i was exuding? did i do something wrong? (action/sin of commission) did i let something atrophy? (inaction/sin of omission) is there a purpose to these periods? is this just my body's healthy way of recharging during these periods where i feel like i can't get it together and can't get anything done? and why is everything back to normal now? is this just going to happen from time to time? is it out of my control?

the consistency of this last episode, this last month, was odd in that there were plenty of really high points sprinkled throughout the generally low trend. i got to help a close friend celebrate his birthday and his surprise engagement at the same time. i gave away some old clothes and bought some new ones... that helped me step with a little more confidence. i took on the job of supervising and streamlining the media ministry at my church and i seem to be doing well so far. i'm loving every minute of these demanding art courses (stressful and not) this semester now that i have professors who are challenging, and believe in me enough to take out time to help.

on the other hand, i felt fairly sedate whenever nothing interesting was going on (even though i could pull it together and smile and function easily whenever there was a novel event to attend or otherwise stimulating people to interact with). it wasn't one of those spells where i was constantly heavy and wanted to cry all the time. au contraire! i was cool as a cucumber for most of the time, regardless of what was going on. but it seems like, i couldn't "get high" for anything. getting me to go to my job and be productive while i was there was like pulling teeth. especially since my boss finally got the gall to call me on the carpet about my poor performance, generally bad attitude, and ill punctuality as of late. i was beyond excited that she finally said something about the elephant in the room, but i subsequently resented that i had to continue doing this menial unimportant work. fortunately, i had the luxury of working short hours or taking the day off most of the time.

"We'd lived in America for a year and a half and I still really didn't have any friends and I didn't like it... I didn't fit in anywhere because I was the chubby English girl and didn't want to drive a BMW and have a Kate Spade bag and wear designer clothing and be in that world. I went to this place and I sat next to this person and he just started talking to me, and I was like, 'Golly, this person's talking to me. Why?' And then I met this whole little group of people and he goes, 'Oh here, take this. It's really great. It will make you feel really good.' So I took it, and then suddenly I was at the center of attention... In the beginning, you do it because it makes you feel good — and then it gets to the point were it stops making you feel good and you do it because you don't know what else to do." -- Kelly Osbourne on the beginnings of her drug addiction

i didn't know what else to do most of the time either, so i tried several things. i hadn't abandoned God, i still prayed and tried to keep up a steady regiment of worship and communion, but i was impatient and frustrated that answers weren't coming fast enough. there were a couple really destitute periods where i turned to pornography in hopes of getting a "buzz" and that really didn't do the trick. i knew it wouldn't, but i was desperate at the time, tired of fighting to do the right thing and i chose to give up. this apparently left me notably vulnerable. i was walking around without my wits about me last weekend and almost fell into a tryst with a woman i hardly even knew. that's not like me.

i spent more money than i would have liked to... going out with friends to places i wasn't terribly keen on going, buying people things partially hoping that their joy might put a smile on my face... still, it wasn't as rewarding as it used to be. apart from whatever joy it brought them and me enjoying the actual time spent, i didn't feel like i had anything to show for it when it was all said and done. worst of all, i spent time not just by the hours... but by the bushels of hours... by the truckloads of bushels of hours... and i don't know where the time went or what i accomplished in any of it.

i just feel like i accidently misplaced a whole month, like someone would perhaps misplace a twenty-dollar bill. i could begrudgingly accept that it's gone... that is, if i had to. but if it at all possible, i'd really like to have it back. or at least be able to know where it went so i wouldn't just go around, losing twenty-dollar bills all willy-nilly... one here, one there... "oops! lost another one! where do those little buggers go? oh well." no, because if i blithely let things like that go by, well then, in no time, i will have lost enough twenties to pay rent on a small cracker-box-sized place such as the one where i live now. and even here, that's a lot of twenties. and a lot of time...

lost.

"every now and then i can see that i am getting somewhere. where i have to go is so deep. i was angry back then, and you know, i still am, but... i have lost too much sleep and i'm gonna find it." - jennifer knapp, "diamond in the rough"

i'll let you know if i find anything.