you don't have to say you're sorry

“you don't have to say you're sorry
we all make mistakes, i've made my share
you don't have to say you're sorry
i don't need those words to know you care
you don't have to say you're sorry
because we're both too old it's true
well, they say that when you love someone
forgiveness is the rule
you don't have to say you're sorry...
but i sure do wish
you would.”
- vanessa williams, “you don't have to say you're sorry”

i know i've mentioned previously that one of my biggest gripes is that my mother never apologized for the places where her parenting fell short. i resented pretty deeply that she seemed to think she deserved 100% of the proper due even though she wasn't present and accountable for 100% of the time. after the last row she and i had a couple of months ago, i had largely had it. i was tired of trying, tired of begging, tired of working so hard to repair the past. i was all out of juice, so i quit. i spoke when necessary and when she wasn't around, i let it be. and then the turnaround happened.

one of the things my mother has always been exceedingly good at is interpreting dreams. and just last night i had a notably unpleasant one. i woke up rather shaken, so i called her and explained what it was and told her what of it the holy spirit had revealed to me. of course, it was something that traced back to my childhood. i don't know what rang differently for mom, but for the first time i can confirm solidly, she apologized.

not literally, but moreso in a roundabout way. roundabout enough for me. hell. it was better than i thought i'd ever get 'cause i had resigned that i would never get anything. but finally. she expressed regret that she wasn't around for my sister and i as much as she should have been. that it really wasn't the best thing to be working all the time. that it would have been better to be around to shield us from some of the influences that put dampers on our respective childhoods.

when she seemed to take a hardline stating things like "i did the best i could", it was like she was saying that if it wasn't better, that was just too bad. it burned me up because it seemed like she didn't care that some of that was hard on us. harder on my sister in ways that affected her life... harder on me in ways that only seem to be affecting me just now.

if the relationship between my mom and sister was ever out of order, i'm sure it's together now. as for my mother and i? there's still some work to be done. i was writing a song called “we can work it out”, guised so that it could apply to any "couple" that's on the rocks, but for my purposes, it's about my mom. however, after coming to a point where i gave up, i couldn't really proceed on the song in good faith. i mean, how can you encourage other people to "work it out" when you can't "work it out" yourself.

God was in the details though. i think he knew i tried as hard as i could. having done all i could to stand, i stood therefore. but i stood at a distance... far, far away. God knows when we're at the end of our ropes. i say “we can work it out”, but our ability is limited. he knows though. how to work it out. when we can't.