what am i gonna do now

“what am i gonna do now / four years past / and still no return / heard a story about you / that said you / went to the moon / had to search for myself / and learn for myself / and be by myself...” - ambersunshower, “running song”

conflict has put the sticks to me. things aren't peachy keen in my immediate family right now. amidst a lot of thought, prayer, and counsel, it's looking like i may need to temporarily estrange myself from my closest relations. don't get me wrong. i've always been in favor of the idea, but the concept of being elsewhere for a major holiday (or two) is normally met with the highest resistance. tall warriors armed to the teeth, strap on double barrel weapons loaded with guilt and point them at the leg that supports my weight. i don't think they want me to get away.

they don't mean to, but they do. they don't understand that they do. and i'm beginning to, myself, understand that they don't understand. it's still a huge risk. and if i'm wrong, i'll be quite wrong. and the ensuing guilt may never let up. i just don't want to continue taking it on the chin to appease them. am i wrong to feel like i don't have to participate with them? is all of heaven going to be against me if i decide to take this step for my own benefit?

i feel tethered by them. and that just sounds wrong. i don't feel enabled, empowered, supported by them. they pray for me... diligently. apart from that, i'm fairly on my own. am i wrong to be so comfortable with that? to prefer it that way? unless posed to God, these are all rhetorical questions. i wouldn't trust anyone else's answer anyway. i don't even trust my own. i just know that i really need to...

scratch that. i don't know how to finish that sentence either.