rememberance can often be soothing

i was just watching and janet jackson performing "rhythm nation" on youtube.com and it reminded me of the late 80's when i was really into her! i bought dang near anything that had her pretty face on it and her feathery voice in it. of course, that was before the libido monster ate her alive. i still dig janet, but in more of a nostalgia type of way. it's like she reminds me of an old friend whenever i see her now. she's not the "rhythm nation" girl i used to love. it's cool though. people change.

and then just last night, i was futzing around on one of my favorite sites on the web, allmusic.com, and rediscovered how much i used to be into michel'le. she was the r&b singer on eazy e's ruthless label back in like '89. she had a squeaky speaking voice when she talked, and a throaty alto when she sang. (sidebar: did you know mahalia jackson was the same way? where did that voice come from?! lol)

anyway, this stuff was all well and good back then. but i'm looking now with my grown-up eyes and sensibilities and what not thinking. "i can't believe i listened to this stuff on repeat." lol those were good times, but i've just noticed that you really can't repeat them.

i'll often notice the way sunlight hits the grass and trees and the very color will remind me of an entirely different time and place. this morning, the light coming through my window reminded me of the light in the dining room of the house where i grew up. and then i remembered how the light would kinda glisten through the crystalline sugar bowl we kept on the kitchen table... and then i remembered how i would b**** and moan if there were lumps in it from my grandfather using the same spoon he stirred the coffee with to spoon out the sugar. heh. i was a brat. it's funny in retrospect. but i was really mad about the lumps.

right now, that house is owned by someone else... who rents it out to someone else. i hear that they've taken the awnings off of the front of it and changed it's color from flax and brick to something pastel, loud, and more suited to a mexican villa. of course, my papa passed away almost 7 years ago.

but even if he was still alive, and the house was still the right color, and all of our furniture was back in it, in the right place, with all the discolorations and weathered markings that made it the place i remembered... i still couldn't recreate that moment. i can replay it in my mind, but that was once in a lifetime. all i can do now is try to pinpoint the next few moments that will come by and make me smile like that. and if i'm really astute, i'll know them while they're happening and enjoy them the first time around, instead of decades later.