once an idiot...

i wonder if it will ever end. i'm miles away from the virtually totally socially inept nerd i was in high school (and for a bulky measure of time up until). i've since caught on, and these days, i can often pass for a charming, good looking guy. if i had my way, i would disavow any knowledge of prior idiocy... but then, it happens.

an otherwise witty, well-timed remark is spoiled by a hitch in the delivery, stuttering, or just not letting food fly out of your mouth while you're saying it. it feels like i have to go back to square one... like i just landed on the monopoly square mandating that i go to jail, sans passing go, sans collecting $200. in times like these, i'm glad i'm a nice medium brown. any paler skin tone would give way to blushing more often than i'd care to let on.

we've all seen something like this at least once in life. someone isn't paying attention and doesn't realize they're about to trip and fall over something in their path. you're too far away to warn them or stop them from the impending accident. now, if you were in this position, you would know that the best thing to do (if you can't just avoid the whole thing) is to hit the ground quickly and rebound as soon as possible so as to at least minimize the number of people who can make fun of you first hand.

however, that's neither common knowledge or common practice. all you can do is watch in slow, slow motion as their foot catches, their arms flail in a clumsily vain attempt to regain balance, they let out two or three unintentionally comical yelps that serve to draw unwanted attention, and then hit the ground with as many people gasping in horror (then subsequently doubling over in laughter) as possible.

it can't get worse unless you go for extra points and either make a funny noise with what ever you crash into, or slip and hit the ground again while trying to recover from the whole debacle.

now imagine this physical travesty... reinterpreted vocally... just last weekend... by yours truly. it was a moment of oratory awkwardness that would have made porky pig proud. imagine the face of the person desperately trying to reconcile the mess of spoonerisms and diced gibberish sputtering from my mouth with any pattern of recognizeable English speech.

it looked just like the face of someone watching a poor sap with bad motor skills, trip, flail, yelp, and thud. embarassment does not begin to encapsulate the feeling that it brought upon. in retrospect, i count it a blessing, that it was only in front of a pair of people whose ascribed M.O. is to minimize embarassment rather than publicize it.

still, if i had my way, i think i might have chosen to take a light tumble down a half flight of stairs. the rationale for which is, that people who are just clumsy physically can often apply acquired sympathy to their wounds to speed their healing. but there is no sympathy for the mouth of an idiot. you just want them to shut up (and if possible, back away a minimum of roughly ten paces).

it's just seemed to be like that recently. maybe it will pass after a few days like light flu symptoms or faster like irksome hiccups. i don't know what it is, but just to be on the safe side, i think i'm just gonna not talk for a few days. so the bible says, and it still is news: "it is better to keep silent and be suspected a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."