if my child lives

second samuel, twelfth chapter. david has already committed adultery with bathsheba. gotten her pregnant. had her husband killed. in this chapter, God sent nathan to put david on blast for what he'd done. david didn't deny it. he relented and repented, but he couldn't undo the result of his lust, murder, adultery.

that's a pretty tall order of sin. and sin of a most odious order at that. nathan prophecied to david that because of this, he would not die... but his child would. after hearing this, david prayed desperately for this to pass. and he fasted. he stayed in the same place, wouldn't go anywhere, and he slept on the floor. no one could get him to eat anything for days.

after seven days, the child died. when david heard that the child was dead, he didn't rage. or have anyone [else] killed. the bible says he got up, washed his face, combed his hair, changed clothes, and then went into the sanctuary and worshipped. and then he came home and ate something.

the bible also says that david was a man after God's own heart. so a David™-brand tutorial on how to supplicate God in the wake of a grievous error is to be taken particular note of. david knew he was guilty. david knew he was unworthy. but he prayed to God for mercy. in the television rewriting of this story, God overlooks david's foulness and lets his child live, but david wasn't living in t.v. and neither am i.

i haven't committed adultery. or gotten anyone pregnant. or conspired to have my baby mama's husband killed. but i know that in God's eyes there are no lesser or greater sins. so i'm plugging my own sins into the place where david's were and praying for mercy no less.

hoping my child will live.

i have an opportunity before me that is somewhat like a child. it's very much close to my heart. something that i love very much. something that i want very much to live. and yet its life more or less hangs in the balance of several factors that are outside of my control. thus... i've gone to God, the only one who has power to help me and my situation and i've asked for his help.

proverbs 26:1 says "as snow in summer and rain in harvest, so honor is not fitting for a fool". thereby, a fool trying to "wear" honor would probably be much akin to the morbidly obese trying to wear hot pants. the phrase comes to mind: "who told you you could wear that?" it doesn't fit. it's not becoming. i would like to believe that i don't qualify unequivocally as a fool, but my actions certainly smack of foolishness more often than i care to admit.

if i am as foolish as i think i am in God's eyes, then it would really be in bad taste to allow me to don what i'm asking to wear. but i "hope against hope" just like in romans 4:18 where it references the promise that abraham would be a father of many nations even though he and his wife were as already old as dirt and utterly childless.

one day when my friend kenny saw me looking visibly down, he called my house later and left a message saying "hey, i saw you walking, and i just want you to know... whatever you're going through, God is able." i believe this. God can do what he chooses to do. God can grant me clemency, if it so pleases him.

so...

i've made my request known to God. if my child lives, i will be grateful beyond grateful because i've been granted a request that i'm certain i don't deserve. and if my child dies, i will wash my face, tidy up my dredlocks, change clothes, and go worship God. the common thread is that whatever the outcome, God is able, it is "fitting" to praise him, and nothing will change that.