in the throes of withdrawal

I have a conundrum going on. I am admittedly one of those individuals who has allowed my constant hankering for approval and affirmation to shape my motivation. Sometimes it's people's approval that is the only significant gratification for some of the things I work so hard doing. The problem arises when I set up this pattern and then something happens that cuts the person's motivation out from beneath me. I can't move.

Last week through a series of unforeseen events, I failed to deliver on an assignment for a class that was notably important to me. The professor was more than disappointed and let the entire class know it in a quietly controlled scolding that lasted about 5-10 minutes by itself. And at the end was the payoff... the workload was doubled and reassigned to me and anyone else in the category of those who failed to deliver.

The redoubled workload was actually the least of all stings (I understand it's just being used to reinforce for future reference how unacceptable it is not to deliver to a client). However it was more of a "hit me where it hurts" to have missed out on the "stamp of approval" that was a vital part of my productivity cycle. Without that portion, my already wounded drive to succeed actually dwindled more... and faster. It made it a drudgery of drudgeries to even begin completing the new assignment given.

Worse than that was a couple weeks ago when I got to the due date for that month-long project I worked on and due to that weekend rub with my family, had nothing to turn in on the due date. I was as close to mortified as one could get. It could have gone without saying that public rebuke was acutely embarassing in front of my design peers. And so now this compounds it all in more ways than one. I feel inept... disqualified... like I might as well give up and go do something else that I can succeed at with less effort. Really. This isn't easy for me.

Sidebar: I think I recently tried to explain to my mother how much of a difference her approval or disapproval makes in my life. I might as well have said it to a brick wall because she hardly even acknowledged it as viable.

So if I follow the trend as I've seen it happen before and predict it could happen again, then I will, if I complete this task at all, completely in a lackluster manner. After all, the prize I was actually seeking was not a grade (I have traditionally not given a rat's @** about grades as a gauge for achievement). What I wanted the most was the affirmation from my circle that I'm on top of my game. At this point, that seem like that would either be unattainable or require a last minute brilliant leap out of the gutter (which is something I really don't feel I'm up to right now).

I'm not quite a fool though. I know that what I do right now decides whether I ultimately become a tragic has-been clothed in a burlap sack of a sad story or something else. I don't really have a good picture of what my "something else" option looks like, but I'll take it. Anything's better than turning into a sad-dramatic burnout. I'd dare say it's one of my worst fears.

So this is what I'm going to do. On the heels of some advice from a friend of mine, I'm going to see if I can use this situation as a prime opportunity to shake this cold turkey. I make no promises about the longevity of this decision, but I'm going to try it. I've got nothing to lose, and I know that underneath it all, I'm primed to shine. Polishing myself up from this point on is going to be the task. So if you're listening and have two hands that you can put together for me, pray.