where's the party at?

where's the music? where are the dancing girls? how come there's no streamers? why is nobody on the dancefloor? am i at the right place? where's the party?

i just finished my penultimate semester of college with the largest class load i plan to carry in awhile (i only need two more classes to graduate). i've hurdled another obstacle and, within reason, victoriously so. so why am i missing that great sense of accomplishment? i did just do something pretty big, but the fanfare is all but completely missing. it's nice to hear my mom say she's proud of me. and i do look forward to banishing to archive folders all of the class-related papers and books that have grown over my desk like a kudzu vine covering. still, where's the fanfare? i feel so anti-climactic! it's not like last semester when finishing made me feel absolutely radiant inside like i could walk right up to the sun and outshine it in the sky.

instead, the biggest rush i got was finishing my near-immaculate mock-up of a 2-disc cd/dvd special package. it looked great and i put it together well and i got props on it from my teacher, two other teachers, as well as the head of the art department. that was the middle of the week though. i almost wish it was the last thing, so that could have been my big finish. that would have been a great time for the band to swell up, i could then strike my pose, hold for applause, and feel like i closed the show well.

i have a disappointing feeling that without the gravitational pull and common adversity of sharing classloads and complaining about the same assignments, friends that i made in the last year will become acquaintances, go their separate ways, and never be seen again. it would have nice to go out to dinner with somebody. i'm only a distance away from breaking out into a chorus of "oh i wanna dance with somebody". i could have gone to that christmas party my ex-girlfriend invited me to, but for some reason when i kick it with her, i always feel like i have to look like i'm not uncomfortable in the atmosphere, when i am... always... just a little bit.

instead, i went out and spent money that i really didn't have to spend. i bought some cheap movies, got a free rental, stocked up on comfort food with no significant nutritional value, and i suppose i'll watch a half a movie and end up asleep.

i was hoping to have more of a triumphant "it's so hard to say goodbye" type ending. instead, the feeling is more along the lines of "(i just want it) to be over". better yet, my theme song for the last week has been "shake it off", 'cause i've known for weeks that this feeling was coming. about 2 months ago, the thrill was gone. so gone. despite having some really really great professors and starting off really well, i lost my motivation, i started screwing up on things that really mattered to me, and it was all i could do not to slip hopelessly into a repeat of my last bout with depression. i just wish it could have ended better between us. me and this semester that is. but then again, for my entire 8 year college career, i have very, very rarely excelled in fall semesters. i don't know why. but this time of year has never been conducive to me learning.

the upshot though is, that now i'm free to get back to work on my music, to take one some freelance jobs, make some money and get out of debt, and what i'm really looking forward to next semester knowing that i really don't have to kill myself trying to take 30 different classes to graduate. i can just take it easy. it'll be springtime. everything will be beautiful again. i can use one last semester of low interest financial aid to consolidate high-interest credit cards and get some much needed professional equipment before entering the real world. so i suppose it's not the end of the world. sometimes you feel a little empty. but high tide will come back through, so it's cool.