cryogenic times

for those of you who enjoy hearing my poetic voice, i apologize. i had myself cryogenically frozen indefinitely. there's activity going on right now, but it's all beneath the surface. i'm in school 13 units deep. heading towards graduation. loving every minute of it. even the minutes that fall to the ground before i get them in my mouth. i dust them off, pray over them, and enjoy them anyway.

i've been spending my days contemplating design, and my erstwhile hobby is seeing how fast i can spend thousands of dollars in student loans. so far i'm doin' great. i got one check and handle it right nicely by purchasing a much needed software update. i am now a legitimate, legal owner of adobe creative suite 2. the full suite. i feel like a real designer. now, if i could just learn to slap this huge behemoth of a program around and make it do what it's supposed to do, i'll be alright.

another check, and i invested a small amount into music production software (at a student discount) that i had been waiting months upon months through the summertime for an opportunity to buy. it is however taking an inordinate amount of time to ship to my house though, so i'm watching the street for the u.p.s. truck like one of those mervyn's commercials where the chick is tapping on the glass before dawn on sale day chanting "open, open, open, open, open, open..."

another check, and i lumped nearly a thousand on paying off one of those credit lines that was just a sliver away from being 30%. same thing on other debts. i paid "hush money" to every place from whence my regular debts come: the auto loan place, the phone company, my mama. those jerks aren't gonna bother me anymore for several months (not you, mom). what am i saying anyway? she's not supposed to know where this blog is anyway, but just for the record. i meant those bill collectors who called my house multiple times per day, leading me to adopt a regular routine of not picking up my phone, but letting the answering machine screen for me. they've got their freakin' money, now, which hopefully will in time make my credit score a little less horrendous.

well, it's not horrendous, but i don't think it's good enough to buy a house anymore like it was. as if i could afford one in california. which is fine, because the older chick i was into is most likely not into me. at least, not any further than just friendship. it was she who was making me want to go into "be a better man" mode a la jack nicholson in as good as it gets. but i'm fairly ok being single right now. i actually backed over my original choice of words, which was "alone". i may sometimes feel lonely, but i'm rarely ever alone, if at all.

i'm a little more distanced from my church family than i would prefer, but they're only a phone call away in case of crisis. still, my school schedule pretty effectively cuts me out of participation in bible studies and vocal rehearsals. still, i have a new subsidy. in addition to wearing the hat as the guy who quietly does the bulletins every week, i've taken on the media ministry (managing the CDs & tapes). duplicate this, label that. sell this, restock that. organize this, throw away that. i don't consider myself much of a natural leader, but i am naturally anal-retentive. which seems to be working out quite well. for every place where i run don't run the ship tightly, i make up for it by slapping with a ruler the hands of the people who assist me if those labels don't go on symmetrically. or worse... if they go on the wrong bloomin' side. lol

it's a joy though. i feel important. and i need that. God knows i'm not getting it at my day job. after all the slacking and slacking and slacking i've done there (and keep in mind my job function is pretty much as an administrative assistant's assistant), my boss finally called me on the carpet. don't get me wrong though! i was glad! she was long overdue to cauterize the wound that has dragged behind me festering because of her lackadaisical leadership style. she's so sweet and she's so pleasant, but she is passive aggressive as hell. actually i found out worse. she's actually just passive, but she's trying to function in an office where the environment is -- surprisingly enough to me -- wholly passive aggressive.

nobody likes to talk about the elephant in the room. quoth my boss "nobody likes to have enemies." what a sloppy load of laboratory tested and confirmed crap! what they don't like is admitting that they have enemies, when they know this person only fraternizes with that one, and this one pissed the other one off, and they never apologized, but they have learned to smile and display witty banter rather than examine and deal with the issues that feed their dysfunction.

who am i to judge though. i knew my performance was poor, and yet i didn't care enough to change, so why point fingers in retrospect. i just really want to get it together so that once i get a job that i know i'd like to keep, my cycle of accumulating malaisse and subsequent abandonment must stop.

there's more to talk about, but i'd really have to plumb the depths of the quietness that now is my life. and as it is, i've been futzing on this entry for an hour now, which is more than i had budgeted for the blog. so i'll catch you next time i thaw out. peace.