i know something about love... possibly

whenever i talk about love (that is, love, the fixation, fascination, and #1 pastime in america, not the God-defined love), i generally preface it with some type of acknowledgement that i don't really know what i'm talking about. i have professed at times to have fallen in love, and felt all the feelings, and gone through all the motions. however, then subsequently, love said feelings, stopped said motions, and deemed myself to have fallen out of love.

in hindsight, it sounds rather rediculous. who just haplessly falls in and out of love as if love is some unguarded manhole in the street through which unsuspecting passers-by fall? perhaps when all you know is how you feel, that passive term "falling in love" may be the only way to explain it. i'm a little older now though. i require things in my life to be less haphazard and more controlled. so i prefer to believe now that love is not found or slipped and fallen into... but built. what if you just take the pieces and follow the instructions and voila, you get yourself a true love?

don't form your opinions too early, because this is just my theory and i haven't tested it yet. but research shows, that this whole "waiting to fall in love" or worse yet "trying to fall in love" thing is passe. you see, i'm searching for my own personal brand of victory. i'm at a job that i don't particularly love, but don't intensely hate. i go to it 3 days a week, half-do it and leave. i don't dislike it enough to quit, but i wouldn't need too much motivation and push to let it go. i need it badly enough to tolerate it and put in the least amount of effort possible to keep it. this whole situation is reminding me of a relationship on its way to going sour.

hence, i'm rather proud that i'm still doing it as of mid-august, when i've been wanting to cut it loose since april. this is because i know that in any relationship, be it a lackluster underpaying job or a romantic relationship where there are doubts and unsureties, there will be times when you consider calling it quits. in this case, i've been continuously reevaluating whether or not to hang it up for months now. always looking for reasons to stay, but never really looking for reasons to enjoy it. i'm just trying not to quit, and not trying all that hard at that. perhaps if i can learn to not just keep this job, but to function again in it, then i could say that i've learned something about love.

don't tear my theory apart though. i haven't tested it yet.