and if you're looking for me

“i've been down so long... / there were times i thought i'd never see the break of day... / so night after night, I pray ‘Lord, don't take your joy from me’ / and then late one night / I read in your Love Letter / that it's gonna get better / don't you know that i've been looking for you / i realize nothing else will satisfy me / i'm so glad i found you / now that i'm changed / no one can keep me away from you” - kirk franklin, “looking for you”

it's been a long time...
i hate to leave you...
but sometimes i do when i need to.

like old folks would say, it's been a “hard row to hoe” this week. last sunday's unexpected episode of grief came crashing down and really sent me into a tailspin. i wanted to believe i was ok, but i hadn't recovered from it at all. i spent monday and tuesday struggling to keep my head above water... wednesday, crashing into the water... thursday and friday, under water and mad about it... then saturday and sunday, calling folks to arrange some help hoisting my depressed carcass back out of the water.

it was pretty horrible. i was tired, upset, malcontent, surly. my face was just dark. i wasn't smiling much, unless forced to circumstantially. i don't like that. i don't know how many of you saw me this week, but please make note: “this is what mark looks like when he's having a really hard time”. if i was smiling, it was probably forced. well-meaning, but not natural. if you ever see it again, please pray for me. and if you feel lead to, ask me what's going on.

“they make me mad / i'm not happy / they make me sad / i'm unhappy” - tonéx, “mad”

the sad part is, for the bulk of the week, i had no idea what was going on and why it happened. i just knew i was consummately not happy. i didn't wanna see nobody, go nowhere, do nothing. oh, and don't even think about asking me for stuff. if i didn't wanna do it, it didn't get done. i pretty much did a lot of sitting and wasting time with my arms crossed and lips tightly pursed. i couldn't really even open my mouth to pray.

“keep your heart established. you gotta learn how to keep your heart in a state of constant cleansing. it'll be somethin' that'll attach itself to you in a minute. i bought a white pantsuit in florida... when i got to the airport, i realized... i had a spot on the front of my coat... by the time i got to airport, i had somethin' on my sleeve... when i got on the plane, i went to check my lipstick and turned my head and got lipstick on my collar... by the time i got to montreal, i looked like a dirt devil. i mean, it was horrible!

if that's true in the natural, how true is that in the spirit? you can find yourself in some kinda condition, find yourself in some kinda place where the enemy has total ground. he done messed you up, you don't even know when you got dirty, but the fact is, you are. and see when stuff affixes itself to your heart, it's hard to shake it off.” - minister ralphena dodson

i don't know how whatever it is got to me, but it did. and it got me gooder than i expected. shutup. gooder is a word. and i couldn't shake it off. i had to call some of my brothers at 2:30am on a sunday morning to pray with me, because i was seriously strugglin'.

honestly, i think i had been listening to too much brandy, seal, chaka khan, and other secular singers the likes of which i love, and whose influence is so enriching to my musical palate. still, i think i heard mary mary put it best. those girls have mentioned that they like to listen to brandy and other secular singers too, but they said “if you listen to too much of it, you will have a spiritual breakdown.” that's pretty much what happened to me. all at once, the lights went off in georgia. spiritually, my legs buckled under me, and i couldn't pull my own self up with my own power. it's a very bad feeling.

God prepared me though, he told me maybe last saturday that it was time to take a break from recording. perfect timing. i would have hated to in any way infect the integrity of these songs in progress during my period of funkiness. my mind was inordinately barraged with lustful thoughts, and i could tell that they weren't invited. honestly, i wasn't even “in the mood”, so i knew it was just an ambush attack from the enemy. but for the ways of escape presented (just as God promised he would make available in his word), i would have probably dove head first into looking at some type of pornography. lord knows the temptation was there. i had to leave my house several times during my work day, turn my DSL modem completely off, and one night the Holy Spirit just told me not to even bother going home. i slept over at one of my brothers' houses and then went to my day job the next morning.

now that all is said and done, God willing, i hope that i can put the necessary safeguards on... amp up my prayer and meditation time, and keep out more of the influences that were most likely to blame for the problem. i know that through familiarity, comfort, and just good common stupidity, it would be wholly possible and by no means unforeseeable to repeat the exact same mistake in the near future. so rather than look like a bumbling “idgit” in front of God and country, i think i'm gonna do right this time.

thanks to all of you who were checking on me and praying for me... i appreciate you so much. you know who you are. God bless.