whatchalookinat?

i recently had someone sit-in with me while i was recording vocals for my new album. this is new to me because normally i make it a private process, hit my bad notes in secret, correct and re-record until i get it right and then present the finished product and hope people go "wow" and smile. however, i believe God's told me to not be so "secretive" about the creative process this time. so i've been allowing select people to hear unfinished songs, even invited some other people to sing with me.

i must confess though. this whole someone-in-the-room-with-me thing i'm not liking so much. while they were there, i went into entertainer mode. trying to make sure the guest is comfortable, engaged, not bored, etc. while i was doing this, i was observing and rather critiquing myself. and when they left, i felt like i had failed as entertainer even though that wasn't even the purpose.

i could be wrong. maybe they were as quietly enthralled with the process as i was and just flat with their affect in showing it. very little expression given. maybe they were quietly concerned that inputing their ideas would interrupt the creative process or something, but it made me a little manic. this is new to me. i was missing feedback or something... approval, disapproval, a smile more often than prompted... just some kind of reaction and interaction. really, i think what i was hoping for was something re-affirming, and little if anything was.

so i suppose, given that, i could assume that it was neither here nor there. yet it still resounds to me like a somewhat bad thing happened. it was even bothering me this morning when i woke up, so i just prayed about it and asked God to let me know what i was supposed to do with/about this feeling, and i believe i've gotten one answer already.

what i heard was that i need to get used to being looked at. watched. observed. just like this last tuesday at bible study, riding atop the crested waves of stage fright, singing, playing, and still being functional even while people were watching me, reading my expressions, body language, paying attention to my words, taking it all in and processing it separately in each mind.

in a sense, it's something of a call to examine and re-examine what i'm saying and know that it will affect people's lives, attitudes, interpretations, the way they walk. it's rather heavy. not that i need to use this as an in to give vent to my control freak tendencies and start trying to manipulate people with what influence i have, but just so that i know... people are listening and eyes are on me.

furthermore, it's probably going to take this and a few more such mildly uncomfortable situations so that whether people are present or not, i don't change my behavior patterns to suit them. i need to be able to be myself no matter who i'm around and not be afraid of rejection or misunderstanding (two things that have crippled me quite enough times previously).

i once heard character being defined as what you do when no one else is around. it was said as it relates to not having one way that you act in front of people and then a totally different way you act when away from people. i've got some distance left to cover, but i'm already at a point where i can sing in the car, hit most any note i want at a stop light with the window down and not be concerned that people in the next lane may be staring at me in horror or pleasant bemusement. let 'em look. sometimes i'll even wave and nod and keep singing.