if my father could see me now

my mind plays tricks on me. not always so cool. i had a dream about my father last night. i dreamt he had come back from an 11 year stint in prison and was living with my grandfather, chillin'... listening to hip-hop, mistaking some new artist for somebody who was around when he was "out". he was my height, and we did look alike, but he was light complected and he still had a big afro (like in his pictures).

well, i was happy to see him and i remember helping get his luggage out of the car for him, having a brief flare of angy thoughts like "where have you been" and "why didn't you write" that almost made me want to cry and yell, and then as quickly as they flared up, they were doused with water and i smiled as i turned around to hand his bags to him. it was odd to see him hanging out with my grandfather at the old house, lying on the couch... looking like me with light skin and an afro. and i just wanted to stare at him and analyze how much he looks like my uncle. and then i thought. wow. i should snap a picture of the two of us with my digital camera and put it on myspace. (gives you an idea of the timeline in my mind.)

odd though, it must have been 2005, but i was simultaneously running back and forth with a group of teammates for some project oriented competition that seemed to be very "high-school aged" happening at a hotel. i would be bouncing back and forth between being with them and having lost luggage and stopping by my grandfather's in the middle of the day to see he and my father briefly. sometimes i'd be dressed in a really nice black suit and have a lot of apparatus in my pockets (intended for the obviously stealthy project).

and then i woke up and as it always happens, for a few moments, i'm consciously awake and don't realize that the dream i had wasn't real. and i wanted to go and see him and take my camera and get that picture or something. then as i rolled over, it dawned on me that i was actually in 2005, neither my father nor my grandfather were still alive, nor were his house in bakersfield even in our family anymore. and i certainly wasn't in high school. and at this particular time, i'm not even in college (at least not until fall).

i think it had something to do with talking to a friend last night about working temporarily until her son starts school in the fall. and said son is currently living with his father who had been in prison for most of his life. so it's that transferrence thing. then my thought was "ok, why? 'cause that was such a tease." and not very often but every now and then, i have these anachronistic dreams having to do with my father or my grandfather (in this case, both) where who i am today gets to meet with who they were before. which also reminds me of an obscure thought i had friday afternoon... "if my father could see me now". which was a take off on the title of a linda clifford album i had as a kid called if my friends could see me now. you know, i really didn't take much thought to it beyond that it would make an interesting blog title as i was walking past mcdonalds on the way from work to my car (yes, i remember what i was doing when i was thinking that).

it's interesting though how it synthesized into the dream i had this morning. i think it was walking past that building with the reflective glass and seing how different i look now. i don't know what my dad would think, but i know first, my grandfather, a barber of 40 years, would be angling to cut my hair. (lol) i think overall though, he'd be proud that i could write and speak well and have only a year left before graduating college (after all, his main proddings to me were always to get an education and to have control of the English language). and plus, i don't have any kids yet and i think he'd be really happy about that.

i think maybe my dad would be proud that i've become a really good singer and pianist, since he was always into music. and he would be really flattered that i'm into music the way he is. even now there are at least 2 keyboards and 2 guitars in my view, and compact discs literally surround me. i think he'd be impressed to know that i'm beginning to learn guitar, since that was his main instrument. he'd be glad to know i never experimented with drugs (as he was purported to have done). maybe he'd be disappointed in my lack of sentiment towards the army where he served for so long. and disappointed that the relationship between my mother and i went so badly south 10 years ago even though it's so much better now.

i have no idea what he would think about my sister (his other daughter) who i've had such trouble forging a relationship with at all. i don't know very much about her beyond knowing what she does, who her immediate family is, and having spent a some time with her when she was in high school. but now i'm getting off topic and wasting time getting back to work on the project that i have to finish today. it was just a dream anyway. no need to delay the necessities of reality for much longer.