bigger than my body

yesterday, i was in a camera supply store pricing equipment for a photo shoot i need to do soon. and i want this, and i want this, reflectors and tripods, lights and rigs, etc. nevermind the fact that i don't have the money for this stuff, nor even a place big enough to store them all... let alone use them freely. it seems like i'm always trying to buy something extra or acquire something new for a vocation. a faster computer, higher-quality recording equipment, the latest graphic design software, this camera equipment... it prompts me to ask myself a silly question “why you dream so big, mark? why you gotta do so much?” it's silly because i know the answer.

i've got all these things that i can do, and i'm trying to do them all. i've given up (for now) trying to wear every hat simultaneously, but i'm not beyond trying on two at once and eyeing a third while i'm looking in the mirror at what i've already got on. progress is something that makes me very happy and it's only natural for me to want to expand. and as my track record shows, always do.

my aunt and uncle recently purchased a home here in california and the place looks great. it looks like she hired a decorator, but in truth, she did it all herself. piece by piece, she was watching HGTV, got ideas, bought items, and stocked them away, some in their small apartment, some in storage. the point is that when they finally dropped the chips to get this stunning new house, they were ready to go. they were set. it's so clean and set up that they look like they've been living there for a year or more and just have somebody to clean the place weekly.

“someday i'll fly, someday i'll soar, someday i'll be so damn much more. 'cause i'm bigger than my body gives me credit for.” - john mayer

i want to do everything. and for some reason, i don't think that's an unreasonable request. i remember rehearsing choreography for “don't worry (gotcha)” two years ago. and i was trying to sing and dance and do both well. it wasn't going too hot. both were suffering. i was starting to look pretty frazzled. my choreographer tried to help by giving me straight talk and pointedly saying “mark, you can't do it all. you're not superman.” being rebuffed like that on something that i wanted so bad was crushing. i couldn't even make it all the way home before i pulled over into a parking lot to cry and bang my fists in rage against the steering wheel.

i conceded defeat for the moment and only executed part of the choreography in the performance. but i hold a grudge against the particular task that i wasn't able to vanquish and please believe that i will revisit and champion this before Jesus comes back. much in the same way, i have every intention to come out of this life being able to say, i'm a good singer, good writer, good photographer, good dancer, good whatever. the plan is to max out my potential in everything God's given me. and with as much as he's dropped on my plate, it means i have a lot of work to do.