what matter of discontent

at this moment, i feel insatiable. lately, i have been restless and intermittently irritable and impatient. towards the beginning of this week, i was so overtaken with obligations pulling me from too many different loci, that i just stopped answering my phone for two days. ironically enough, not picking up the phone resulted in more calls.. and e-mails. i just wanted everyone to go away for a moment. just a moment. i eventually whittled the workload down to a manageable size, but still feel like i'm missing something.

tonight, i just came from a place that was overrun with beautiful women. some of them were noteably intelligent, some of them virtuous, and some i would dare say had the full package of all 3. maybe i'm a really late bloomer (really late), but i think i'm taking to my newfound desire to flirt with too much abandon. either i'm just naturally coming into my own, or getting too far outside myself. either way, i'm not comfortable with it. and then to leave this place where i was lapping up attention from beautiful women like a thirsty dog laps water from a trough and feel like i still needed more, is unreal. it's surreal. it's ridiculous. how could i eat this much and still be hungry?

"i look around and i like everything i see." - rufus and chaka khan, "destiny" (1978)

God only knows why and this is my least favorite type of dissatisfaction. The unfounded type. what is this discontent? what am i missing? what don't i have enough of? what nutrient is lacking in my diet? it's like when you need to yawn, but you can seem to open your mouth wide enough or take in a breath deep enough. it's attribution theory at work. when something is not right, i want an obvious pariah that i can point to and say "you're the problem! my unhappiness is all your fault!" then, i can focus all resources on alleviating whoever or whatever the problem is.

my papa always told me "son, it's not the things you need in life that make you miserable, it's the things you want." God bless him. because sometimes i just need to put myself in check. though i have older sisters, i was the raised like an only child, and spoiled by a loving middle-class family. so i am no stranger to "i want". as a matter of fact, i am well-versed in "i want", "i desire", "give me", "let me have", "sacrifice for me", "add to mine", and "i don't have enough, i'd like some more". perhaps that's what's trying to drive me miserable.

"Hell and Destruction are never full; So the eyes of man are never satisfied." - Proverbs 27:20.

i have checked all the usual places. i had been having difficulty getting to sleep, so last time i got the opportunity, i tried to just give myself some uninterrupted time to rejuvenate. i treated myself to a good meal, because sometimes the body just lacks the needed nutrients. sometimes the body just needs a release of tension, so i made sure i got in nice regiment of pushups, situps, and jogging. i took a walk and just took time to pray and then i took time to be silent and listen for an answer. i didn't hear for a couple days, but when i was most pressed, i believe i heard what i needed to hear.

"what do you not have, that you still need?"

of course, the answer is: nothing. i have food, i have shelter, i have love, i have salvation, i have vocation, i have transportation, i have significance, i have purpose, i have potential... i have, i've got, i own, i possess, i know, i can, i do, i'm able, i'm all of it. i may not claim to be as well versed in "i have" as i may in "i want", but what am i not, that i still need to be?

"i bring myself back to reality / what was i thinking / i have everything i need / i don't want for anything at all / i'm satisfied" - crystal lewis, "satisfied" (2000)

...content.