wishes

It's now the end of 2004 and I find that I'm well into this 2000-era decade and don't really feel "defined". I can look back to the 90's and remember what I was doing in '93, '94, there were landmarks there. Better yet, I feel like I have to make an account for what I've done with the last five years. This decade is already 5 years old, but most recent things have been eclipsed by the last major landmark in my life, which I suppose was my grandfather's death in 1999. But it'd like to highlight just for my own sake, some worthwhile things that have happened from 2000 to date:


2000:

• Did Speaking of Sarah, Forty Save One, Darrell Mansfield Blues Band, and Zealous album covers for Micah Records
• Discovered Napster
• Amel Larrieux released Infinite Possibilities
• Continued as Tonex's webmaster for TonexWorld.com
• Crystal Lewis released Fearless.
• Earthsuit released Kaleidoscope Superior.
• Moved in with the Alb fam in summer of 2000
• Recorded "Hallelujah" with Scott Blackwell
• Recorded "Come In With Your Hands Up" with AJ Mora
• Saw Crystal Lewis and Out Of Eden live in Anaheim on the Fearless World Tour on September 29th.
• Cut off my dredlocks for the first time in October
• Moved into my own room in on Gresham Street for $400/month
• Began commuting back and forth to Bakersfield to play at Compassion Christian Center

2001:

• Bought my first copy of Stevie Wonder's Songs In The Key Of Life on vinyl
• Landlord evicted us all from the Gresham Street house so he could move in after his wife passed away
• Laid off from Micah Media Group
• Directed in prayer to move back to Bakersfield, CA
• Received a new computer from my mother
• August 25, 2001 - Aaliyah's death
• Sepember 11, 2001 - World Trade Center attacked
• Spent a miserable winter working for the Housing Authority in Oildale, CA.
• December, bought Sonic Foundry Remixer's Kit and began learning ACID software.

2002:

• Moved back to Los Angeles in January
• Lived in the vocal booth of the recording studio in the backyard of Scott Blackwell's house in February
• Took job at Castle Peak Escrow in April as an escrow assistant. Had no idea what an escrow was.
• Moved into my current place in Los Angeles in April.
• Borrowed keyboard from a friend and began recording You Are Here in May/June.
• The '89 Pontiac Sunbird named "Bucket"that my grandfather bought in '98 died of a blown gasket on the 405 freeway in July.
• Bought a brand new [to me] used car in August with the help of my mom and my Uncle David.
• I took english literature and philosophy courses at CSUN. Got A's in both.
• Reunited with old friends Aaron and Darnell.
• Met Charles and Andrea Humphrey and began attending H.O.P.E. Fellowship bible study.
• Saw Chaka Khan live in concert for the first time ever in Bakersfield on October 3rd.
• Started my dredlocks November 20th in preparation to audition for American Idol, but didn't make the auditions due to my sister's sudden illness that weekend.
• Took Spanish class at night and Saturday morning art class at CSUN in the fall & met good friend and future design business partner "Komei".
• Met "Nefertiti" through Darnell and began dating in the fall.

2003:

• Went to Big Bear retreat with H.O.P.E.'s House fam in January.
• Stopped dating Nef in early February. She was not happy.
• Took Anthropology class at Pierce College in Spring.
• Performed "Don't Worry (Gotcha)" for the first time with 3 backup dancers at the first annual Gospel Jam Concert in April.
• Had it up to here and quit Castle Peak Escrow job in May.
• Started dating Peach in May.
• Got to meet and hang out with Terry Lewis in June.
• Took cruise to Mexico with Dre, Chuck, & H.O.P.E.'s House crew in July.
• Met Kenbo at church in August.
• Had first H.O.P.E.'s House service on September 7, 2004.
• Broke up with Peach in October.
• Had You Are Here mastered and sent it to manufacturing October 31, 2003.

2004:

• Met friend Hakim while taking history and political science classes at Pierce College in Spring.
• Performed medley of songs from You Are Here with Tonee, Desiree, and London as backup dancers in the 2nd annual Gospel Jamfest (Andre couldn't make it).
• Took part-time job at Jewish organization in May.
• Web design business took off in the summer time.
• Celebrated one-year anniversary of H.O.P.E.'s House on September 5th.
• In October, got a cell phone again for the first time in 3 years.
• Took first guitar lesson on December 21st.

"With a little luck will I find you
And if I do
Is it you who'll make my dreams come true
Just a little bit of happiness
Is all that I wish
And I hope that you can grant me this"
- Nathan Morris, "Wishes"

I think when I look at it, more went down than I thought. There's been a lot of happiness and of course, there were times peppered with drama and trouble, but I'm sure the best is yet to come. I have to say, as exciting as recent times have been, they haven't quite gone as I would have liked them to. So I wanted to paint a more idealized picture of what I'd like this year to be like.


2005:

• Have a great time on Big Bear getaway weekend in January.
• Read All You Need To Know About The Music Business by Donald Passman and organize the business side of my music aspirations.
• Finally get to return to CSUN in the Spring and take at least 12 units of classes with A's in them all.
• Do websites for at least 3 major label recording artists.
• Record a new independent album and sell at least 500 copies of it.
• Take a few hip-hop dance classes.
• Best friend Aaron moves to Texas successfully and gets his life together.
• Get good enough at playing the guitar to use it to accompany myself at church and even do acoustic dates at coffee shops and what not.
• Start caring about being early or punctual to places.
• Get a better grip on webdesign and learn how to use the nuances of the software I have.
• Pay off at least one of my credit cards.
• Pay down the rest of them.
• Accumulate at least a $1,000 cushion in a saving account for no reason at all.

Conspicuously missing are spiritual goals for the year. I don't really have any. The spiritual leaps I've been able to make in 2004 have been so far beyond what I would have imagined, that I'm perfectly comfortable entrusting that regiment to God. If I notice anything worth bringing up, I'll submit the request midstream. But that's the future. For right now, I'm just really hopeful for what 2005 will bring, so... happy new year!

we write to patch things up

I started my blog in April with an unexplained quote from MAE's "Embers and Envelopes". In it's own abstract way, it really helped kick start one of my proudest accomplishments of the year.

"We write to apologize
We ask you look past life as it goes by
I know you have sacrificed
Time, life, love
Time to fly
Please consider all things trite
Forgiveness will be the thing that gets us by
I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix
Embers, we're burning bridges down
Oh envelopes stuffed with feelings found
To write this down as means to reconcile"

Since major fallout nearly a decade ago, the relationship with my mother and I has been precarious at best. There were plenty episodes where some little thing she said ruined my whole day (or a series of them). And my adverse behavior had conditioned her to respond with "what's the matter" or "what's wrong" whenever she saw me coming or picked up my phone calls. I didn't like that. So this year's goal has been to befriend my mother. Seems like it should be easy enough, but scaling walls is never an easy task. Especially when it's primarily your own you have to get over.

One night after railing away at my sister about all the things I held turbulent grudges about, she adamantly recommended that I let a lot of it go. "Let it go? What do you mean, just let it go?" And let her get away with over two decades of imperfect parenting? Not likely. But I have always known that for any of my mother's not-so-brilliant decisions as a parent, she made them all in my best interests.

Among other things, my sister prescribed that I read 1 Corinthians 13, the definitive chapter in the Bible all about love, until it sunk in. Love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrongs, etc. Often read through grit teeth, it eventually took effect. After some time, I lost the strength in my hand to continue gripping the resentment.

I came to the conclusion, that just like I have habits I may never break for as long as I live, some things, my mother is never going to be good at. She may never put my home address down where she can remember to retrieve it. She may never learn how to get straight to the point and not repeat herself in conversation. She may never stop talking about the girlfriend I abandoned that she liked so much. She may always remind houseguests how wonderful I am now but how much she wanted to strangle me when I was 16. She may never realize that being forced to live with her shaped my perception of what being imprisoned in a bad marriage must be like. She may never understand why apologies would be necessary because she doesn't believe she did anything wrong in the first place. Although it frustrates me, maybe she's not the superwoman I believed her to be. Maybe she really is fallible and maybe her success as a parent has been serendipity that I mistook for assured expertise. I'm willing to accept this now.

I think about how I love my life now. I have friends and ambitions and significance as an individual. I've begun weaving what I would like to be my legacy. Then I wonder how after 30 or 35 years of establishing myself, some kid who looks and acts like me is gonna come along and out of plain ignorance, not realize I had a life before he showed up. Though he (or she) will look up to me as a father and role-model, the little darling will probably still take for granted that I'm a person beneath it all and I didn't just pop onto the scene already refined, stable, and ready to be a parent. So now at the age of 25, I'm trying to cut my mother some slack and send around what I want to come around: some understanding between me and my children that their dad wants the absolute best for them, but is never going to make 100% of his jump shots.

Neutralizing the latent tension in this relationship is something I think may be key to me building a happy marriage. This year to date, things have gone well. My mom doesn't dread my calls anymore. Sometimes she calls me and sometimes I even call her. Most times, I enjoy it. We've learned how to disagree without detonating. We can deal with touchy subjects without infuriating each other now. And today, she's my favorite person. Why? Because for she bought me a pumpkin pie for Christmas. :)

When I was growing up with my grandfather, he always made pumpkin pies during Thanksgiving. Traditionally, most black families don't eat pumpkin pie... "we" eat sweet potatoe. But I don't like sweet potatoe like that. It's too daggone sweet and I miss my Papa's pie. He tried to give me his recipe before he died, but I was off having a good time with my cousins and didn't want to be bothered. I could have torn my clothes and dusted my forehead with ashes when I realized the opportunity I'd missed.

I didn't ask for it for Christmas, but I just kinda said a little prayer as I was driving to Mom's house that God get her to bring me a pumpkin pie. When she did, I was bowled over. I could have cried over this desert nobody wanted but me. Our house full of guests passed over the buffet style layout like locusts and left the pie plastic-wrapped and still untouched.

There's more! She also got me the entire first season of Taxi on DVD. I love that show now, but I never watched as a child because when the theme song began wafting through the television at 11pm, it meant it was way past my bedtime. So the show's theme song became a lullaby to me. Now whenever I hear it, I feel warm and secure as if for 48 seconds of the opening, it's 1981 again and I'm safe at home with my grandparents in our old house with the fireplace blazing and nothing can possibly go wrong. I suppose if diamonds are a girl's best friend, my proverbial equivalent would be pumpkin pie and Taxi. So Mom's hit the jackpot.

"We write to patch things up
Maybe not to agree, but to proclaim love
Let's look ahead and then
We'll see the one whose glory never ends
And based on that we’ll see,
There'll be room for change, but gradually
I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix"

One of my married friends was talking to me about the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He commented on how there was a times when he was focused on working at his home office and his wife came in and brought him a sandwich. He was elated. That communicated to him that even though he was entrenched in this thing, she was right there with him to support. It was just a sandwich, but to him it was more. He also said there were times when she would come in and verbally laud him for being a good husband, acknowledge his efforts, and voice her appreciation. He confided to me, "[That's nice and all], but I'm still waitin' on my sandwich."

My mom probably doesn't realize the sentimental value of the things she gave me, but her presenting them to me means so much. For years, she pretty much did things the way she wanted to them done, and didn't place too much emphasis on "coming to my neighborhood" or "speaking my language", but what she did for me this year, though only totalling $38.59 with sales tax landed right in my backyard with a bow on it and really began to heal places that they haven't made medicine for yet.

the trail of x's (reviewing the situation)

I don't think anyone can dispute that I have excellent taste in ex-girlfriends. I tell ya, man. It's almost like when I feel like I wanna dump a girl, I go all the way and only dump the best. Pre-high school doesn't count. Most of the women from that period fully warranted dismissal because I shoudn't have paired up with them in the first place. But since high school, I've intermittently cycled through a number of relationships that "had potential".

So what happened?

Well, -- and I don't plan to use their real names, 'cause I'd like to speak a bit more frankly -- all began with... Lela. Lela was beautiful, talented, smart, spiritual, a little ahead of me in maturity (which I like). What's more, dating Lela was the first time I had dated a women that I thought was gleefully out of my league. SWHHW*: 1. I was young, inexperienced, and more selfish than I even knew I was capable of. Mix this with a woman who needs no impetus to virtually move into your apartment, and you have a quarrelsome cocktail. 2. She was spiritual, but that was about all she was. She had more of a libido than I had. Seeing as we were both trying to live as born again Christians, this pairing was a disaster waiting to happen. 3. She had more of a problem with committment than I did, hence her involvement with a mutual friend. That prompty ended the on-again-off-again nature of our relationship. (Duration: 6 weeks officially, but dragged on thereafter for about a year)

Many moons passed, and then I met Nefertiti. I suppose we fell in love pretty instantly, for as I knew it, she was quite the closed and reclusive type when I met her. But something in our interaction disarmed that and we became quite close, quite quick, which was scary as heck (for me as well as friends who saw the change in her). She was a great mate to match wits with, and to enjoy company with... regardless of her mood. I just loved to be around her. We considered ourselves just friends, but it was always more than a friendship. SWHHW: I enjoyed the wild ride of new infatuation for nearly 2 months. And then, fearing the not too distant future, I enacted a preemptive breakup. My mother, who has experienced the pain of an unfaithful mate first hand, austerely warned me to "get you a woman that you think looks fine, or else when you get married you'll be lookin' at ones who do". Made sense, and after awhile, I could not convince myself that I was at all attracted to her body type physically. So to avoid setting myself up to become a low life philanderer like mom's ex-hubby, I abruptly exited the relationship and let her hate me until she felt better. (Duration: 2 months, but it was never "official")

Most recently, I dated Peach. Peach took me by complete surprise. We worked together, so my intention was to keep our interaction strictly business. That so didn't work. I threw all caution to the wind and took up with this sweet zephyr without really checking out the scene first. Well, nothing was dettrimental, but it was quite momentous that we failed to forge a real friendship before becoming romantic. And for all of our spiritual compatibilities and deep respect for the destiny and potential in one another, something still prompted me to make haste and exit. Stage left. Quickly even. SWHHW: Peach was so sweet. But Peach clung. And me, myself, and I agree that clingy Peaches are the pitts. Her hunger for my time and attention was insatiable and though I had made great strides in my ability to be patient, unselfish, and more open, this is still America, and I still need 3 feet, all around, at all times. (Duration: 5 months, holds the record, but the rocky ride was none too enjoyable)

"I'm reviewing the situation
Can a fellow be a villain all his life?
All the trials and tribulations!
Better settle down and get myself a wife.
And a wife would cook and sew for me,
And come for me, and go for me,
The fingers, she will wag at me.
The money whe will take me.
A misery, she'll make from me...

...I think I'd better think it out again!"
- "Reviewing The Situation" from Oliver! as sung by the character Fagin.

OK, I know there's no such thing as the perfect woman. But I've gotten so close at times. She was either really sexy, or really spiritual, or really smart, but never enough to make me want to resist breaking all ties with them at the drop of a hat if need be. I've been practicing on female friends just trying to increase my tolerance to feminine things that I don't understand, but it seems like I have quite a way to go. And I'm not looking forward to being a lone bachelor with all of my closest friends happily married and waiting for me to shed the last scales of my committment apprehension.

How about we make this one of the goals for 2005. After I broke up with Peach, I backlashed so hard, that anything that smelled like lookin' like it thought about possibly considering becoming another strait jacket love affair found me running full speed in the opposite direction. But it's been over a year now. I've had time to breathe and recoup. I'm not upset anymore, and ironically enough, for all the drama that transpired in these most notable relationships, I remain good friends with them all to this day. So I see them casually and sometimes we hang out. [NOTE: This interaction was sponsored by the virtue forgiveness and the factor time, without which said pleasantries could not have been accomplished.] More often than not, I see one of them and think "Man, she looks really good... wait a minute... I've done this before. Now-- why again did I dump her? I can't remember."

I'm still in favor of not doing the revolving door relationship thing. Lela taught me that lesson by causing repeated damage with each break-up/make-up episode. I'm just reviewing the situation and thinking. Maybe I'm ready to try again. I mean, when I started growing my locks, I was looking forward to the supreme pleasure of having a woman's soft digits gently comb through them on the regular. It's 2 years later now, and my locks are racing down the nape of my neck. Times a-wastin', I was supposed get some digit-combin' goin' on, and you cain't do that if you ain't got no woman.

Maybe something will be different this next time though. I've been doing a lot of work on myself, and I'm probably much better by now. Perhaps I'm strong enough not to break and run down the street screaming when they say the L-word 5 weeks earlier than you plan for them to. (Man, I so hate when that happens). But I don't know. I've been under heavy construction for the last quarter or so, so this may be the time to solidify my foundation more rather than jump and test it's surety. But we'll see.

*SWHHW stands for "See, what had happened was". The accepted convention is that SWHHW is understood to be a warning code that what follows is at best a lame excuse, and at worst, liable to be a flat-out, bold-faced, bald-headed lie. Content following a SWHHW should be examined with careful contempt and always received with a dubious smirk and arms crossed whenever possible.

i don't need no hollywood

father forgive me. i do believe, i have indulged in a spot of envy. it tasted so good though.

one my goals for 2004 was to learn guitar or at least begin learning. well, my webdesign clientele bulked up so nicely this summer, that i had no time to pick up a guitar and start woodshedding. however, in december i had a look at the list of goals and realized, i could "accomplish" something by just beginning the journey. so, a friend of mine from the church band agreed to give me my first guitar lesson. i was rather reluctant to drive to his hollywood apartment during rush hour (i avoid traffic like cats avoid water), but he was so encouraging and accomodating that i could hardly be so rigid. the trip was surprisingly quick, and man... once i got there, it was Novel City. literally.

i was wide-eyed and forthright with him. i don't think i would ever wanna live there, but something about hollywood and all of it's storybook-glaze and yellow-brick-road garishness... every little business bearing an immodest neon sign begging to be looked at... it just brings out in green sappling small town boy in me. it was like i was fresh off the bus from bakersfield chewin' on straw and grinning vacuously. it was evident all the way down to my unabashed belting out of rufus & chaka khan's "hollywood" as i walked down the street with a guitar strapped to my back and bookbag hanging off one shoulder.

"he's on his way, he's goin' to hollywood, he's bussin' it to hollywood (where you goin' now?) / (what'cha doin', child?) show him the way / he's movin' to hollywood / he's hoppin' it to hollywood (where you goin' now?)" - rufus & chaka khan, "hollywood"

everything impressed me. i thought to myself "look! they have a blockbuster video right across the street from the apartment building!" nevermind the fact that i have a blockbuster video store two blocks down the street from my house. :) what's more, the independent video chains not too far away are so much more inexpensive, that i wouldn't patronize blockbuster anyway. still, it was a big larf to go hang out with him.

he is as virtuouso a guitarist as i know. the guy's only about 3.5 years older than me, but he's just slopping over with talent. he sweats it. and this is coming from me... mr. look-at-me-singindance, look-at-me-play, look-at-me-design-websites, just-look-at-me-please. (lol) still, he plays for some well known artists, and has made a nice little niche for himself with his talent. but he's so down to earth and positive. it's difficult not to like him.

there was a diversity of cds laying around, ranging from early david bowie to late raphael saadiq peacefully coexisting. as a musician, it was kinda interesting to see the colors he paints his environment with. we're both artsy people, so i got a big kick out of seeing his loft compared to my cubicle roomspace. the floors are hard wood, but the area was warm. the walls were adorned with bright abstractionist canvas paintings, but arrogant as to not suit handwritten notes-to-self and other unceremonious riggings. the atmosphere is quiet and urban, but inviting. one of the walls leading to the bathroom was painted bright red which i just found so intriguing and extemporaneous. when i moved into the place where i live, it had hearts and flowers all thru the decor (but after nearly 3 years of living here, i hardly notice them anymore). the building's courtyard is calmly swathed fronds of greenery, but just outside the gate, broad strokes of traffic blur down Sunset Blvd. that dichotomy itself was most entertaining in my head. 'twas all i could do not to skip. i am a grown man, you know. (lol)

"Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy." - Proverbs 14:10

this little side trip did make a nice impact on my senses, but i see my stuff and his stuff... my life and his life... and just check: am i unhappy enough with my own to wish i could make an exchange? not really. my life seems ordinary because i live it, i know it, and i'm familiar with it. his life only seems better today because i just walked into it and explored its epidermis for an hour and a half. if i had to trade my life in, i would give up some things that were made for and shaped just like me.

Been around the whole world, still ain’t seen
Nothin’ like my neighborhood
And of all the fancy satin and silk
My white cotton feels so good
Searched high and low for a place
Where I can lay my burdens down
Ain’t nothin’ in the whole wide world
Like the peace that I have found

It’s the little things and the joy they bring
It’s the little things and joy they bring

As simple as a phone call just to make it known
That you’re gonna be a little late
Pure as a kiss on a cheek and a word
That everything will be okay
Call in the mornin’ from my little sister
Singin’ to me, "Happy Birthday"
In the quest for fortune and fame
Don’t forget about the simple things

It’s the little things and the joy they bring
It's the little things and and joy...

Give me some good food, give me some cute shoes
Give me some peace of mind
Bring me some sunshine, bring me some blue sky

Runnin’ ‘round in circles, lost my focus
Lost sight of my goal
I do this for the love of music
Not for the glitter and gold
Got everything that I prayed for
Even a little more
When I ask to learn humility
This is what I was told

It’s the little things and the joy they bring
It’s the little things, it's the little things

Give me my guitar, give me a bright star
Give me some good news, give me some cute shoes
Give me Atlanta, give me Savannah
Give me my peace of mind
Give me some Stevie, give me some Donny
Give me my daddy, give me my mommy
Pour me some sweet tea, spoonful of honey
I don’t need no Hollywood
- India.Arie, "Little Things"

That probably says it all.

released

ok, i feel like i can deal now. whatever two days ago, i was glutted with some concern. i'm not quite sure what it was, but post prayer and meditation, i feel much better. i feel like i can move around now. this morning was so storybook because my curtains were open, sunshine was coming through, and the only thing missing was birds chirping. and perhaps a short stack of pancakes. i work do without those for now.

i just want to do go back through the areas where i've sloughed off and do damage control before the damage is too unwieldy to control. had an incredible bout with malaisse lately, but i think i'm ok now.

earlier this year, i learned in a psychology class that if you keep an animal confined in a cage long enough, eventually it stops trying to get loose and becomes resigned to the position it's in. so much so that after such a point, even if you open the door, the animal won't immediately go through it.

well, recently, i got liberated from some slow equipment that was holding down my productivity. however, i've been so used to working at that pace that even though i'm now free to fly, it has seemed like i just didn't want to embrace it. for weeks now. it's nice that that's finally over, but i still have some learning curves to get over before i can really start makin' some noise.

nonetheless, it is good to be free.

clog'd

what's goin' on. can't say. life is good. i always ask folks "how you doin' on a scale of 1 to 10?" i get various answers. if asked, right now, i'd probably have more than one answer.

on the surface, i'm an 8 or 9. materially, life is good. i have what i need. i've even been able to help other folks out you know (doin' favors, givin' the walkers rides, [permanently] loanin' money to friends on struggle mode). i like doin' that. my own emotional baggage is being steadily jettisoned, and that's a nice feeling. so i'm smiling more, singing more, afraid less. i was jokin' with my pastor sayin' "you might think i was even a Christian" (lol)

however, a level below, it seems like my emotions want to threaten with a 7 or even a 6 level. kinda like an underbubbling discontentment. i choose not to be carried away with this tide, but it's rather bothersome to have that duality going on. one person asked me in private, how i'm doing and i responded from the under level with "trying hard to be ok". later, someone else asked when we were in a larger group, and i of course responded with the surface answer "better and better"! of course the person i was just in private with says "i thought you said you were..." -- and i cut him off and say "shush! you'll blow my cover! (lol)"

it was in a joking manner, but there was truth to it. by the grace of God, i am really flourishing these days. but on other fronts, it seems like i'm just straight up clog'd... as if i need some drain-o to clear out blockage in my brain. i thought it would provide some type of release if i finished off some websites that had been lingering in the coffers for awhile. then, i thought, finishing off my last final during school would help. and yet i still have this less-desirable personality change threatening to takeover.

and now i need to cut this entry shorter than planned, 'cause i so coulda sworn i just heard God suggest, neé implore, some much needed home worship as the solution to the problem. so, i gotta go. i'll chatatcha later. hopefully with better news and mental catharsis to boot.

the first $tep is admitting you have a problem

Me? Problems? Never. I'm perfect. Everything always goes right and I'm always happy and smiling and everywhere I go li'l young deer and bunny rabbits skip behind me chirping out Disney tunes and smelling like candy apples.

"You had plenty money 1922
You let other people make a fool of you
Why don't you do right like some other men do?
Get outta here and get me some money too."
- Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbitt?

Yeahright, yeahright, yeahright. Not only do I have a sweet tooth for sarcastic humor, I have other subtle issues, and I can see one coming to light that I don't want to cause me to go to wrack and ruin. I think i may somehow be addicted to spending money. It's not like the things I buy have some plotted importance (i.e. buying clothes to bolster bad self-esteem, or buying alcohol to temporarily dull some deep pain). I just get a cool satisfaction from having money on my person and knowing that I'm locked and loaded to acquire most anything i want (within range) as I parouse and invite merchandise to tickle a fancy or two.

Sometimes my favorite thing to do when I've had a rough day is just abandon my house and go to Target. The great majority of items there are moderately priced, and some things are steeply discounted. It's just nice to walk through there with $20 or $30 and be able to leave with a big bag of stuff. It doesn't have to be much necessary or prudently practical. I'm just pacified by getting stuff.

I wouldn't have noticed but for this period of time where I was living a purposely constricted lifestyle. In an attempt to keep myself from being spiritually weighed down, I was throwing off drag-me-downs left and right: fasting once a week... avoiding things like secular music, amorally-rooted TV shows, lengthy glances at magazines with midriffs showing and second-string curse words (I don't consider "hell" and "bastard" to be major offenders, but I cut them out nonetheless).

I was doing great at this pretty consistently for over 2 months, but what I did notice was that I was spending money like crazy. Spare virtually no expense was the pattern that developed. It's not like I spent money recklessly ('cause when you work to earn it you're always more careful), but I was really bordering on excess. Like when someone quits doing hard drugs and takes up a comparatively less damaging vice like smoking instead, the think they're doing good, but actually they've only exchanged one indulgent habit for another. Or if someone quits smoking and then begins overeating to distract them from withdrawals, same thing. I had cut out some basic vices, and ever so quietly, here crops up another one.

Well, now that I've admitted I have a problem, I'm not quite sure what the next thing to do is. Currently, I can't indulge the habit because I've spent down to that "cautionary level" with a little more than a week before the next payday. But oh the withdrawal symptoms. It's 2½ weeks 'til Christmas, the biggest commercial season of the year. Sales going on everywhere. Online and in print as well. I swear some of everything that I actually want is getting significantly marked down and just begging to be purchased.

Still, I know I'll never run out of things to want, and stuff to look at and desire (and eventually tire of and throw away), so there's really no need to keep feeding the habit. I'mma try to look around and be happy with what I've got (which is quite a lot since the last few visits to Target). What's more, I better concentrate more on making money than spending it so that I can have someplace to live. 'Cause even in California, it is too cold to be sleepin' outside. Hearmenow?