clog'd

what's goin' on. can't say. life is good. i always ask folks "how you doin' on a scale of 1 to 10?" i get various answers. if asked, right now, i'd probably have more than one answer.

on the surface, i'm an 8 or 9. materially, life is good. i have what i need. i've even been able to help other folks out you know (doin' favors, givin' the walkers rides, [permanently] loanin' money to friends on struggle mode). i like doin' that. my own emotional baggage is being steadily jettisoned, and that's a nice feeling. so i'm smiling more, singing more, afraid less. i was jokin' with my pastor sayin' "you might think i was even a Christian" (lol)

however, a level below, it seems like my emotions want to threaten with a 7 or even a 6 level. kinda like an underbubbling discontentment. i choose not to be carried away with this tide, but it's rather bothersome to have that duality going on. one person asked me in private, how i'm doing and i responded from the under level with "trying hard to be ok". later, someone else asked when we were in a larger group, and i of course responded with the surface answer "better and better"! of course the person i was just in private with says "i thought you said you were..." -- and i cut him off and say "shush! you'll blow my cover! (lol)"

it was in a joking manner, but there was truth to it. by the grace of God, i am really flourishing these days. but on other fronts, it seems like i'm just straight up clog'd... as if i need some drain-o to clear out blockage in my brain. i thought it would provide some type of release if i finished off some websites that had been lingering in the coffers for awhile. then, i thought, finishing off my last final during school would help. and yet i still have this less-desirable personality change threatening to takeover.

and now i need to cut this entry shorter than planned, 'cause i so coulda sworn i just heard God suggest, neé implore, some much needed home worship as the solution to the problem. so, i gotta go. i'll chatatcha later. hopefully with better news and mental catharsis to boot.