the trail of x's (reviewing the situation)

I don't think anyone can dispute that I have excellent taste in ex-girlfriends. I tell ya, man. It's almost like when I feel like I wanna dump a girl, I go all the way and only dump the best. Pre-high school doesn't count. Most of the women from that period fully warranted dismissal because I shoudn't have paired up with them in the first place. But since high school, I've intermittently cycled through a number of relationships that "had potential".

So what happened?

Well, -- and I don't plan to use their real names, 'cause I'd like to speak a bit more frankly -- all began with... Lela. Lela was beautiful, talented, smart, spiritual, a little ahead of me in maturity (which I like). What's more, dating Lela was the first time I had dated a women that I thought was gleefully out of my league. SWHHW*: 1. I was young, inexperienced, and more selfish than I even knew I was capable of. Mix this with a woman who needs no impetus to virtually move into your apartment, and you have a quarrelsome cocktail. 2. She was spiritual, but that was about all she was. She had more of a libido than I had. Seeing as we were both trying to live as born again Christians, this pairing was a disaster waiting to happen. 3. She had more of a problem with committment than I did, hence her involvement with a mutual friend. That prompty ended the on-again-off-again nature of our relationship. (Duration: 6 weeks officially, but dragged on thereafter for about a year)

Many moons passed, and then I met Nefertiti. I suppose we fell in love pretty instantly, for as I knew it, she was quite the closed and reclusive type when I met her. But something in our interaction disarmed that and we became quite close, quite quick, which was scary as heck (for me as well as friends who saw the change in her). She was a great mate to match wits with, and to enjoy company with... regardless of her mood. I just loved to be around her. We considered ourselves just friends, but it was always more than a friendship. SWHHW: I enjoyed the wild ride of new infatuation for nearly 2 months. And then, fearing the not too distant future, I enacted a preemptive breakup. My mother, who has experienced the pain of an unfaithful mate first hand, austerely warned me to "get you a woman that you think looks fine, or else when you get married you'll be lookin' at ones who do". Made sense, and after awhile, I could not convince myself that I was at all attracted to her body type physically. So to avoid setting myself up to become a low life philanderer like mom's ex-hubby, I abruptly exited the relationship and let her hate me until she felt better. (Duration: 2 months, but it was never "official")

Most recently, I dated Peach. Peach took me by complete surprise. We worked together, so my intention was to keep our interaction strictly business. That so didn't work. I threw all caution to the wind and took up with this sweet zephyr without really checking out the scene first. Well, nothing was dettrimental, but it was quite momentous that we failed to forge a real friendship before becoming romantic. And for all of our spiritual compatibilities and deep respect for the destiny and potential in one another, something still prompted me to make haste and exit. Stage left. Quickly even. SWHHW: Peach was so sweet. But Peach clung. And me, myself, and I agree that clingy Peaches are the pitts. Her hunger for my time and attention was insatiable and though I had made great strides in my ability to be patient, unselfish, and more open, this is still America, and I still need 3 feet, all around, at all times. (Duration: 5 months, holds the record, but the rocky ride was none too enjoyable)

"I'm reviewing the situation
Can a fellow be a villain all his life?
All the trials and tribulations!
Better settle down and get myself a wife.
And a wife would cook and sew for me,
And come for me, and go for me,
The fingers, she will wag at me.
The money whe will take me.
A misery, she'll make from me...

...I think I'd better think it out again!"
- "Reviewing The Situation" from Oliver! as sung by the character Fagin.

OK, I know there's no such thing as the perfect woman. But I've gotten so close at times. She was either really sexy, or really spiritual, or really smart, but never enough to make me want to resist breaking all ties with them at the drop of a hat if need be. I've been practicing on female friends just trying to increase my tolerance to feminine things that I don't understand, but it seems like I have quite a way to go. And I'm not looking forward to being a lone bachelor with all of my closest friends happily married and waiting for me to shed the last scales of my committment apprehension.

How about we make this one of the goals for 2005. After I broke up with Peach, I backlashed so hard, that anything that smelled like lookin' like it thought about possibly considering becoming another strait jacket love affair found me running full speed in the opposite direction. But it's been over a year now. I've had time to breathe and recoup. I'm not upset anymore, and ironically enough, for all the drama that transpired in these most notable relationships, I remain good friends with them all to this day. So I see them casually and sometimes we hang out. [NOTE: This interaction was sponsored by the virtue forgiveness and the factor time, without which said pleasantries could not have been accomplished.] More often than not, I see one of them and think "Man, she looks really good... wait a minute... I've done this before. Now-- why again did I dump her? I can't remember."

I'm still in favor of not doing the revolving door relationship thing. Lela taught me that lesson by causing repeated damage with each break-up/make-up episode. I'm just reviewing the situation and thinking. Maybe I'm ready to try again. I mean, when I started growing my locks, I was looking forward to the supreme pleasure of having a woman's soft digits gently comb through them on the regular. It's 2 years later now, and my locks are racing down the nape of my neck. Times a-wastin', I was supposed get some digit-combin' goin' on, and you cain't do that if you ain't got no woman.

Maybe something will be different this next time though. I've been doing a lot of work on myself, and I'm probably much better by now. Perhaps I'm strong enough not to break and run down the street screaming when they say the L-word 5 weeks earlier than you plan for them to. (Man, I so hate when that happens). But I don't know. I've been under heavy construction for the last quarter or so, so this may be the time to solidify my foundation more rather than jump and test it's surety. But we'll see.

*SWHHW stands for "See, what had happened was". The accepted convention is that SWHHW is understood to be a warning code that what follows is at best a lame excuse, and at worst, liable to be a flat-out, bold-faced, bald-headed lie. Content following a SWHHW should be examined with careful contempt and always received with a dubious smirk and arms crossed whenever possible.