the first $tep is admitting you have a problem

Me? Problems? Never. I'm perfect. Everything always goes right and I'm always happy and smiling and everywhere I go li'l young deer and bunny rabbits skip behind me chirping out Disney tunes and smelling like candy apples.

"You had plenty money 1922
You let other people make a fool of you
Why don't you do right like some other men do?
Get outta here and get me some money too."
- Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbitt?

Yeahright, yeahright, yeahright. Not only do I have a sweet tooth for sarcastic humor, I have other subtle issues, and I can see one coming to light that I don't want to cause me to go to wrack and ruin. I think i may somehow be addicted to spending money. It's not like the things I buy have some plotted importance (i.e. buying clothes to bolster bad self-esteem, or buying alcohol to temporarily dull some deep pain). I just get a cool satisfaction from having money on my person and knowing that I'm locked and loaded to acquire most anything i want (within range) as I parouse and invite merchandise to tickle a fancy or two.

Sometimes my favorite thing to do when I've had a rough day is just abandon my house and go to Target. The great majority of items there are moderately priced, and some things are steeply discounted. It's just nice to walk through there with $20 or $30 and be able to leave with a big bag of stuff. It doesn't have to be much necessary or prudently practical. I'm just pacified by getting stuff.

I wouldn't have noticed but for this period of time where I was living a purposely constricted lifestyle. In an attempt to keep myself from being spiritually weighed down, I was throwing off drag-me-downs left and right: fasting once a week... avoiding things like secular music, amorally-rooted TV shows, lengthy glances at magazines with midriffs showing and second-string curse words (I don't consider "hell" and "bastard" to be major offenders, but I cut them out nonetheless).

I was doing great at this pretty consistently for over 2 months, but what I did notice was that I was spending money like crazy. Spare virtually no expense was the pattern that developed. It's not like I spent money recklessly ('cause when you work to earn it you're always more careful), but I was really bordering on excess. Like when someone quits doing hard drugs and takes up a comparatively less damaging vice like smoking instead, the think they're doing good, but actually they've only exchanged one indulgent habit for another. Or if someone quits smoking and then begins overeating to distract them from withdrawals, same thing. I had cut out some basic vices, and ever so quietly, here crops up another one.

Well, now that I've admitted I have a problem, I'm not quite sure what the next thing to do is. Currently, I can't indulge the habit because I've spent down to that "cautionary level" with a little more than a week before the next payday. But oh the withdrawal symptoms. It's 2½ weeks 'til Christmas, the biggest commercial season of the year. Sales going on everywhere. Online and in print as well. I swear some of everything that I actually want is getting significantly marked down and just begging to be purchased.

Still, I know I'll never run out of things to want, and stuff to look at and desire (and eventually tire of and throw away), so there's really no need to keep feeding the habit. I'mma try to look around and be happy with what I've got (which is quite a lot since the last few visits to Target). What's more, I better concentrate more on making money than spending it so that I can have someplace to live. 'Cause even in California, it is too cold to be sleepin' outside. Hearmenow?