for everything that has an ending

I was up working on the Mick Fleetwood site until 7am this morning. Called and left a voicemail saying i would be approximately one hour late and proceeded to humor myself with little more than two hours sleep before going into the office... where i am right now... to do... absolutely nothing. I'm running on a conservative amount of fuel today, but i've had all several injections of insight today, starting with this weekend's side project of rewatching all three movies in the Matrix Trilogy.

The slogan of the final movie is "everything that has a beginning has an end", referring to the cyclical rise and fall of Keanu Reeves' messianic character Neo. For myself, I have to invert the saying to "everything that has an ending has a beginning". The reason why is that I'm currently in one of those dreaded in-between stages in life. Essentially, something significant has ended and nothing comparable has risen in its place. It's the rise that I'm anticipating.

Allaying my concerns that God did not hear my prayers for some type of relief to this anxiety, in comes the most inconspicuous of blessings. I stumbled upon a new EP album release called Reset from a new band called Mute Math (which is essentially a grand phoenix from the ashes of my favorite now defunct group Earthsuit). When the band split, its lead vocalists formed 2 new bands and Mute Math is the product of my favorite member, singer/keyboardist Paul Meany. The best elements from their combination debut and swan song Kaleidoscope Superior that made such a huge impact when it was released back in 2000 are present in this new incarnation. Still brilliant and inspiring, and with them I am re-ignited.

As opposed to faulty times when seeing people excel makes me envy that I can't presently equal or best them, right now hearing these masterful players is only making me want to intensify what I am rather than lament what I am not. I want to hone my craft to as precise a point as possible so that I can shine and perhaps inspire someone to do the same. I'm sure to plenty of people it will just be music from another band that may not hit the stratosphere, but what it respresents to me is a fresh regeneration of something that once brought me joy. The best thing about it's in the present and I can embrace it right now!

I'm only 25 and I've accomplished some standout feats so far that make me feel like my time on Earth's been worthwhile. However, when nothing tantamount happens for too long a stretch of time, I may tend to feel like I'm wasting said time. Recently I've been concentrating nearly all of my effort on web design, school, and carnal forebearance (don't ask). Very little of my effort and attention has gone into my passion for music. Part of it is because music aspiration consumes a lot of time and money and, without momentum behind it, produces little more than just music. Yet, I'm still pregnant with ideas of various lengths in gestation and I'm not willing to abort these ideas just because now isn't a conducive time to give birth to them.

I have friends in the music industry who use it as their bread and butter the way graphic design is for me. Now, I love what I do even when it keeps me up until 7am, but I have yet to experience the grace {ease of movement} in music that so many around me have. Right now I really only have that in the medium of art. I want both and I believe I'll get it. Even if it goes nowhere in the sense of affording me fame and fortune, there are things that I want said and sung for the record and for posterity. I'd love to be widely lauded as a musician and a singer. (Shoot.. you know I like dang near any kind of lauding). But failing that, I still want to see through to fruition these ideas that assiduously court me as if no other vessel will suit them. I don't resent it. I just want to have wherewithal to feed these mouths that cry out to me. It will happen, and I believe soon. There's too much hullabaloo over them not happening for God to ignore it too long.

i'm alright

i'm alright, ya'll. i had a little talk with jesus and told him all about my problems and the synopsis is, i'mma be alright. ;-) that's good to know, 'cause there were some scattered days and nights that had hard times in 'em. i'd taken to walking up and down the middle of my street praying at night because as public as they are, there was nobody around to come between the two of us talking. it seemed like it would have been a bad thing, but it was a good thing.

i lamented that when i was stressed out and wanted to talk to somebody, it was often so late at night that there was no one to talk to. You try playing russian roulette with your address book and finding somebody who won't shoot you back if you successfully tag them at 3:00am. it's been good though. seems like often when times get rough, i want to go talk to people and have them tell me the right thing or maybe just tell me i'm right. whatever it is i wanna hear that will make me feel better. yet, God probably gets pretty jealous when i have drama to deal with and i want to confide in everybody but him. plus, the paradox is, who of them can really help me and why won't i open up to the one entity who can? so yeah, these last few weeks of roughin' it mentally have been good boot camp. it's times like those that help build muscle.

"it's easier said than done / see, i know i'm god's son / but it's just not that fun with these troubles to overcome / from left to right / every weather in my sight / so much opposition to fight / and i just wanna run / it's like i'm a magnet for pain / and murphy's law sustains / for the stormy cloud hangs / pourin' rain until i drown / but like noah in a boat somehow i stay afloat / i look to God 'cause i know / he's a true hope found" - l.a. symphony, "gonna be alright (remix)"

if you're curious, i've been working on a really important website for mick fleetwood, the drummer for and co-founder of fleetwood mac. the site's almost done. it coincides with this tuesday's release of something big, the new album by his side project called the mick fleetwood band. i somewhat would that i were more of a devotee so that i could be all the more honored by having such a prestigious client, but i'm just aware that he's a rock icon, treating the job with high respect and trying to make the best showing i can for future reference.

the problem has been balancing that job with every other job and person and priority that wants something from me... and they all demand their product immediately of course. add to that various cares with school and church... and what seem like endless bouts with my own recurring insecurities making me think folks don't like me when in truth, they might not have noticed there was anything there not to like. mind games, ya'll. pray for me. "don't let me get me". lol. :)

anyway, runnin' a check recently, life is good. me and mom are still getting along, my web business is booming, and i'll see the fruits of it soon. i've been getting out of debt. i actually recently got to pay back several hundred dollars that i owed my pastor from last fall (it was supposed to be paid back by christmas). they were so kind not to condemn me for it... i should have never attempted a loan that large, but it's over now.

"goin' over mountains and straight through the woods, from the snobbiest streets and in the most dangerous hoods, all people got problems, situations ain't good, but ya'll gon' see better days like i know ya'll should" - joey the jerk of l.a. symphony, "gonna be alright"

so the resolution is this. if i stated it before, it bears repeating. i've decided that i don't want to be held down by memories and ruins of good times that have already passed, dead and buried in history. so my quest now is to find the "new joy". you know? what's next. oh yeah, that was my last post... so i did mention it. anyway. i'm hot on it's trail, so i'll let u know what i find. ;-)

so what's next?

right now i'm having myself a heck of a flash back listening to zhané's debut album pronounced jah-nay from 1994. i remember being so very much into this entire album and now it sounds so very old and nostalgic. suddenly i'm back in my bedroom at my papa's house in bakersfield, california back when the area code was still 805 teetering around with a BBS (bulletin board system) on my computer and singing my little heart out at 2:00am with lititle to no cares in the world.

i'm a little torn between listening to this and reminiscing or getting with the present and realizing that i can't be that carefree taken-care-of kid anymore... like ever. not unless some miracle happens, and even then there's stuff you can't get back. i can't be 15 again. papa's long gone in the arms of Jesus. relatives with bad management skills have sold the old house outside of the family. for its own sake, i suppose it's ok to enjoy some now classic 90's R&B. as a device for trying to get back times and feelings that have long since past, it's obsolete and pointless.

"here we are / look how long it's been / we've come far / and i remember when / we were young / havin' fun / dancin' 'til the dawn / now we're gone on our own / everybody's movin' on / everything keeps changin' / i guess nothing stays the same / even though we're leavin' / maybe comin' back again / oh how time flies since we said hi / but now it's time we said goodbye" - amel larrieux, "time flies"

every now and then, this happens. i listen to a song. go to a place. eat at an old restaurant. visit an old friend. when there's new growth and evolution, they function as proud monuments. when nothing has changed, they become dusty antiquated ruins... generally. of course, a lot of that had to be abandoned when my grandfather died. one era ended and another began.

the feeling was a lot like being on the caboose of a train and watching someone at the station waving you off. you're sad, you blow kisses, you cry, the whole bit. yet, the more the train powers ahead, the smaller that person becomes in the distance. perspective distorts the farther you get down the tracks until not only can you not see the person, you can't barely make out where the station was it's become so small in view. this is the point where you can either stay in the same place looking in the direction of what has disappeared from view or you can realize that you have a place to go and you can walk to the other end of the train and find out where you're going.

at this point, i'm proverbially in the middle of the train headed toward the front. i still wish i could walk back to the caboose and see papa waving at me from the station, but the train has been rolling now for 5 years and i know that's not even an option. so now, i just want to know: what's next. there have been joy and laughter and love and happy times in my life, but i'm not in that same place anymore. i'm in a completely different location in a different time with different people, and i've become different myself. i believe that in this radically different location that there's a brand new set of loves, laughs, and happy times to be had. and i'm looking for them. i don't know if i'll find them in new friends, a new job, a new hobby, a new attitude, a new girl, but i know they're there. they're mine. and i want them.

honestly, i'm 25 now, headed towards 26. i'm not dating, and i'm far from being family-minded just yet. i'm pursuing a degree, but that's not the big drive in my life. i was hanging out at barnes & nobles this week and i'm thinking that maybe when i'm around 30, i'll free up some time and become a bookworm. there's so many books that i'm interested in, but i'm moving at way too fast a pace to stop, slow down, and read them. that sounds nice. i like the area i'm living in, and i'm not much of a traveller, so i don't have any particular ambitions to go world travelling. i would like to put some real time and effort into developing my craft as a recording artist. i feel like i'm a little old to really be making a grab for it, but i'm not so old that it's a ridiculous thought.

regardless of my chronological age, i still feel like i'm 21 (probably because i'm always around people that age). i'm only recently feeling like i may jump to 22 or 23 in some respects. making concerted attempts at maturation, stability, and other serious developments. i'm making headway, but i'm still not quite at "grown folks" status yet. i may be saying too much, but as usual, i'm willing to risk being wrong: i'm pretty content with my life, but i'm not very attached to it. if God appeared to me and said, "you know, you can come to Heaven with me now if you like or you can stick around here on earth for another 30, 40, 50 years", i'd probably quickly choose the Heaven option. not just because the joy of Heaven far outweighs any on earth, but i don't yet have a wife or children that depend on me. i'm sure i'm important, but i don't really feel like i have some great purpose that i must be fulfilled before i leave earth. that may be a red flag indicator that i haven't really started living yet, so i'm perfectly fine with waiting and watching. doesn't matter anyway. i doubt God would offer me an early retirement package anyway. i don't work nearly enough! :) lol

peace I leave with you

i actually never knew my father. tragically, he was killed in a motorcycle accident only the day i was conceived. while at the funeral, my mother didn't even know she was pregnant. it's made for quite an interesting life however. thank God for strong families that come in and pinch hit when someone gets taken out of the game. through them, i suppose i have an advantage over other children who have alive albeit lousy dads. they're just stuck. their dads suck and that's all. with my situation, i've been able to take the best representations and form a posthumous image pieced together patchwork style. a melange of stories recounted, writing samples found, relatives interviewed, and cassette tape recordings make up all i know about him. it's nothing that can buy you a car at age 18, but it's been fine.

as i grow older and our globular family breaks off to form smaller nuclei, it occasionally feels like my dad-piece is missing. sometimes i wish i knew him, could have talked to him, or otherwise come by some firsthand memories to remember. it's as if by collecting artifacts from his time on Earth, i forge some kind of surrogate relationship to patch over the damaged area. i've found that doing this is laborious and of little help though.

what i did have however were his parents who took care of me while my mother worked 'round the clock to prevent poverty in the household. most notably my grandfather. though too old to teach me basketball and football, was more than willing to teach me golf. i more or less politely declined, but he was great. and he bought me a car at age 19. i got dealt a pretty good hand as far as having folks that love me, but now my grandfather is no longer with me and there is again a void. what to do?

"oh how i would have dispaired if you had not come found me there. i can lean against your throne and find my peace." - jennifer knapp, "peace"

i'm sure that by now you well know that i have a penchant for thinking too much, but ever so often, i unearth something useful from my mind. i thought to myself: if i was going to have a kid and couldn't be around to help him out, i'd want to be found somehow. i'd leave a trail. an unmistakable, no-way-you-can-not-make-it-out-of-the-forest trail. i'd want him to know who i am, what i'm like, how i'd relate to him, my best wishes for him, my prayers... i'd want him to have enough data to interpolate and be able to say stuff like, "i bet if dad was here, he'd do this" or "dad would have loved to see this" or "this is what dad would probably say".

instead of lamenting how my dad couldn't do that, i try to concentrate on how Christ did. while he was on earth with the disciples, he forged friendships so powerful that Peter did crazy stuff like walking on water to get to Him and spending time laying at His breast. they weren't gay! that was just how much the disciples loved Jesus. so you know, when he was crucified, they were crushed.

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you... These things I have spoken to you while being present with you, but the helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, He will teach you all things, and bring to remembrance all things that I said to you. Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you... Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." - Jesus Christ (in John 14:18, 25-27).

he was Christ though. having supernatural ability, he did what i wish my mortal father could have. he left a trail superior to any i could have wished for really. he left his words. he left stories that family and friends told about him. from those, i can piece together what he probably looked like. he made sure i'd know how much he loved me. even though he's not physically with me, based on evidence left behind from when he was on earth, i have a good idea of what he would say to me if i asked him questions. i know his personality well enough from what i've read that if someone tried to fool me and say "oh he said this about you", i would know right off: "no, i know him... he wouldn't say something like that."

via Holy Spirit, i can still talk to him. i can ask questions and get answers. i can get inside tips when i have tough choices to make. the trail he left not only gives me clues to who he was, but it's a live link and line of communication that makes him alive and available to me. even though he's not in body anymore, i don't have to do without him. i don't have to miss him and i don't have to wish he was here. that is so good to know.

get where the light is

to the maudlin, longing is a delicacy. it's constantly sought after to be savored. they never get enough. however. i am not maudlin, and i have not acquired a taste for missing, needing, wanting, lacking. i'm not announcing some crisis... or more drama. i'm just stating in my trademark convoluted way, that i plan to attain happiness, stability, contentment, equilibrium, whatever that is. i know that it's not a plateau because it seems when you think you have these things, they may linger for a minute but they're fragile. it's like blowing bubbles and catching them in your hand. you can hardly get attached to one and have it bronzed.

today, i'm not so happy as i could be. life isn't bad right now, i must say. things are still on the upswing, but i'm slightly stalled out and waiting for what the next thing is. i need to accomplish something. that's what i have a taste for. conquest to me is a delicacy and a confection. you can dangle it in front of me and i'll take step after step until i get it. it's the way i'm wired. it's how i'm made.

today, i attended the grand opening of a business that has been the dream of an aquaintance of mine for quite awhile now. the festivities were great, there was food, music, speech, games, people, laughter. quite a satisfactory symphony of celebration. i was distracted however. it seems like it's been too many moments since i warranted throwing a parade and occasioned being carried on the shoulders of friends and well-wishers. being at the celebration today was like being a barren middle-aged woman attending a childbirth. you share in the joy and fight back the longing, choke away the envy so as not to take away from the new mother's delight. i only illustrate that way for the sake of simile. i know i'm not ready for children yet. but oh how i long to rise to a level of accomplishment great enough to please myself. i'm doing alright, but i want to do really well. i'm making ok progress, but i want to "vini vidi vici".

"is it something within / holdin' you back instead of livin'? / your day is coming though it seems far / things will be clear when you love who you are / nothing can stop you as long / as you listen to your heart" - amel larrieux, "keep tryin'"

well, congratulations on my man's long-awaited "childbirth". can't be mad at him. but i think it's time for me to get about fulfilling what i'm supposed to do. once i was in an amateur college play and i wasn't standing in the right spot. the director in coaching admonished me that "every good actor knows how to find his light". you know when you're under it, you feel the heat, and moreover, it's so obvious that it's almost blinding when you're in it. i have yet to find my light. but until such time, i can prepare. it would so suck to stumble upon the right place at the right time and not know your lines. don't you think?

resists even the toughest stains

I don't really want to like Jill Scott, because most black folks I know like Jill Scott, and most of them know I don't like being "most black folk". I'll go off and pick somebody a little more esoteric for my embraces like Amel Larrieux or Tony Rich. However, I can't deny a good thing. I went and bought her Beautifully Human album today. I like the title. The title makes me like the cover. She's intelligent and inventive. Chick can sang too. More importantly listening to her lyrics makes me want to write. Sometimes when I hear something masterfully done it makes me long to be that good and just sit down and marvel at the resplendence. Other times, I hear something said, and it sparks something in me that says "Oooh! I love that! But I would probably say it this way" and then I get to jotting and constructing hoping somebody receives what I've put together and has either of the formerly stated reactions.

"I write what I write because I want people to feel not-alien. If you're not just in love but willing to go through the highs and lows because of that love, then I want people to know they're not alone. And this is good." - Jill Scott

I thought when I read the quote above... why do I write what I write? I'm goin' through this thing right now where I don't feel homogenous with parts of my environment. I feel at odds with it and compelled to reaffirm why I do what I do and believe what I believe so that I can be convinced enough to continue doing it and believing it. Sometimes you don't fit in where you are, but I know that that's not always a cue to assimilate. Most of the times, I hope it isn't, because now that I mostly like who I am, I'm very much resistant change like this new Tupperware line resists tomato-based stains. It can be right up next to me in intimate contact but I'm determined to let it go out the same way it came in without rubbing off on me in the process.

Recently there were a few times when-- Well, there were several times when I was pretty unhappy and out of balance. I questioned pretty heavily whether or not I was right, whether I was categorically off base, and for all that self-wrestling, I didn't actually come up with an answer. The resolution was-- that I haven't given up. I haven't decided to just be stained. And it makes me want to get loud and scream to get someone's attention and see if anyone else is built like me and hanging out with ducks until they can be united with their intended clan of swans.

I thought, well, on behalf of those who feel alone, I can lament and woe and sound like an old blues 7" with the grooves almost worn out of it, but that wouldn't help anybody out. It's good to vent sometimes, but it doesn't really produce much but hot exhaust. Conversely, I've right now decided to just persevere for now and take notes for future reference. I believe that if I wait, soon enough will come an advantageous time when who I am, what I know, how I'm built, and what I can do will come together harmoniously and make me glad to still be me.

Eventually I'll find somebody who's not as far along on the path of the same battles I've fought, wondering how they're gonna get past their adversity to where they want to be and I'll just reach back to where they are, and having already conquered these beasties, team up and kick the crap out of them. Ohhhh it's gonna be great.

anticlimactic fantastic

yay! even though i couldn't get into the biology class i needed this semester, it's all good 'cause i don't like biology! i'm left with only art classes! that rocks! it'll be great! it's all creative! i'm so happy! but i'm so bored! and uninspired! and i should have stopped placing exclamation points after each sentence fragment long ago! you would think i'd be happier to be in school part-time and for free nonetheless (fee waiver courtesy of the same state of California who's raising tuitions elsewhere). still, the hand i've drawn is a really big let down at first glance. unless everyone else at the table was dealt something even worse to play with hand, i'm gonna need some serious external stimulation to grow something in this field of academia.

one class is art history. there are only two art history classes and one teacher handles both of them. so i get no choice. she definitely passes the competence test, but she's a little stiff in places personality wise. apparently her world travels have birthed in her an arrogant, accomplished acquaintance with all things italian. i wish i were intrigued by this, but i am consummately not. she's pretty staunch with her water only, no food allowed, no sleeping, no late arrivals rules. it's no where near the nazi i had to deal with in poli sci last year, but it's all compounded by the fact that her classroom in kept colder than a witch's teet. and you know how i feel about cold. grrr!

the other class is 3-dimensional design. there were only two options on this class as well, but at least there were two different professors. unfortunately the class with the preferable professor appears too full to add. and even that class is at 8am in the morning. and i promised myself i wasn't going to do any more 8am classes. the alternative is a night class that falls squarely on the time that the both the musicians and vocalists rehearse so it looks like i'll be imposing a 3½ month hiatus on both playing and singing. the class however is an anomaly in that the syllabus for the class appears very difficult, while the teacher appears very simple. he also seems to know what he's talking about, but seems awkward as if he spent 20 years as a mechanic, then went to school for 2, got an associate's degree and then came back and started teaching the following year. he did mispronounce spatial as "spatchial".

"you can't say nuclear. that really scares me. sometimes a brain can come in quite handy. but that's not gonna help you. because i won three purple purple hearts. this land will surely vote for me" - a charicature of john kerry from jibjab's "this land" parody by gregg & evan spirdellis.

seems like a nice enough guy though. his personality is a little goofy and he has some semblance of comedic sense, but it's about 3 beats off timing. he's tall, smiley, and gentle-lookin' like if he goes outside, sappy Carpenters songs will swell up out of nowhere and birds, butterflies and deer will just start walkin' up to him. it's unsettling, but i know for sure that i could do worse. seeing as i didn't take enough interest earlier on to find out which classes at this college would transfer to the university and count towards my major, these second-rate slim pickins are what i get. therefore, i can't legitimately complain.

i suppose i should just be glad i don't have to go back to a steady diet of pork & beans seasoned with katsup and garnished with slices of "meat" weiners. speaking of which, has it ever bothered anyone else that they refer to them as meat weiners? it's like now that you can specifically buy beef weiners or turkey franks, you'd think they'd come clean and start callin' 'em ostrich links or reconstituted camel rations or something. anyway...

the point is: yay, i got classes! but eeew... the classes.