resists even the toughest stains

I don't really want to like Jill Scott, because most black folks I know like Jill Scott, and most of them know I don't like being "most black folk". I'll go off and pick somebody a little more esoteric for my embraces like Amel Larrieux or Tony Rich. However, I can't deny a good thing. I went and bought her Beautifully Human album today. I like the title. The title makes me like the cover. She's intelligent and inventive. Chick can sang too. More importantly listening to her lyrics makes me want to write. Sometimes when I hear something masterfully done it makes me long to be that good and just sit down and marvel at the resplendence. Other times, I hear something said, and it sparks something in me that says "Oooh! I love that! But I would probably say it this way" and then I get to jotting and constructing hoping somebody receives what I've put together and has either of the formerly stated reactions.

"I write what I write because I want people to feel not-alien. If you're not just in love but willing to go through the highs and lows because of that love, then I want people to know they're not alone. And this is good." - Jill Scott

I thought when I read the quote above... why do I write what I write? I'm goin' through this thing right now where I don't feel homogenous with parts of my environment. I feel at odds with it and compelled to reaffirm why I do what I do and believe what I believe so that I can be convinced enough to continue doing it and believing it. Sometimes you don't fit in where you are, but I know that that's not always a cue to assimilate. Most of the times, I hope it isn't, because now that I mostly like who I am, I'm very much resistant change like this new Tupperware line resists tomato-based stains. It can be right up next to me in intimate contact but I'm determined to let it go out the same way it came in without rubbing off on me in the process.

Recently there were a few times when-- Well, there were several times when I was pretty unhappy and out of balance. I questioned pretty heavily whether or not I was right, whether I was categorically off base, and for all that self-wrestling, I didn't actually come up with an answer. The resolution was-- that I haven't given up. I haven't decided to just be stained. And it makes me want to get loud and scream to get someone's attention and see if anyone else is built like me and hanging out with ducks until they can be united with their intended clan of swans.

I thought, well, on behalf of those who feel alone, I can lament and woe and sound like an old blues 7" with the grooves almost worn out of it, but that wouldn't help anybody out. It's good to vent sometimes, but it doesn't really produce much but hot exhaust. Conversely, I've right now decided to just persevere for now and take notes for future reference. I believe that if I wait, soon enough will come an advantageous time when who I am, what I know, how I'm built, and what I can do will come together harmoniously and make me glad to still be me.

Eventually I'll find somebody who's not as far along on the path of the same battles I've fought, wondering how they're gonna get past their adversity to where they want to be and I'll just reach back to where they are, and having already conquered these beasties, team up and kick the crap out of them. Ohhhh it's gonna be great.