peace I leave with you

i actually never knew my father. tragically, he was killed in a motorcycle accident only the day i was conceived. while at the funeral, my mother didn't even know she was pregnant. it's made for quite an interesting life however. thank God for strong families that come in and pinch hit when someone gets taken out of the game. through them, i suppose i have an advantage over other children who have alive albeit lousy dads. they're just stuck. their dads suck and that's all. with my situation, i've been able to take the best representations and form a posthumous image pieced together patchwork style. a melange of stories recounted, writing samples found, relatives interviewed, and cassette tape recordings make up all i know about him. it's nothing that can buy you a car at age 18, but it's been fine.

as i grow older and our globular family breaks off to form smaller nuclei, it occasionally feels like my dad-piece is missing. sometimes i wish i knew him, could have talked to him, or otherwise come by some firsthand memories to remember. it's as if by collecting artifacts from his time on Earth, i forge some kind of surrogate relationship to patch over the damaged area. i've found that doing this is laborious and of little help though.

what i did have however were his parents who took care of me while my mother worked 'round the clock to prevent poverty in the household. most notably my grandfather. though too old to teach me basketball and football, was more than willing to teach me golf. i more or less politely declined, but he was great. and he bought me a car at age 19. i got dealt a pretty good hand as far as having folks that love me, but now my grandfather is no longer with me and there is again a void. what to do?

"oh how i would have dispaired if you had not come found me there. i can lean against your throne and find my peace." - jennifer knapp, "peace"

i'm sure that by now you well know that i have a penchant for thinking too much, but ever so often, i unearth something useful from my mind. i thought to myself: if i was going to have a kid and couldn't be around to help him out, i'd want to be found somehow. i'd leave a trail. an unmistakable, no-way-you-can-not-make-it-out-of-the-forest trail. i'd want him to know who i am, what i'm like, how i'd relate to him, my best wishes for him, my prayers... i'd want him to have enough data to interpolate and be able to say stuff like, "i bet if dad was here, he'd do this" or "dad would have loved to see this" or "this is what dad would probably say".

instead of lamenting how my dad couldn't do that, i try to concentrate on how Christ did. while he was on earth with the disciples, he forged friendships so powerful that Peter did crazy stuff like walking on water to get to Him and spending time laying at His breast. they weren't gay! that was just how much the disciples loved Jesus. so you know, when he was crucified, they were crushed.

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you... These things I have spoken to you while being present with you, but the helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, He will teach you all things, and bring to remembrance all things that I said to you. Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you... Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." - Jesus Christ (in John 14:18, 25-27).

he was Christ though. having supernatural ability, he did what i wish my mortal father could have. he left a trail superior to any i could have wished for really. he left his words. he left stories that family and friends told about him. from those, i can piece together what he probably looked like. he made sure i'd know how much he loved me. even though he's not physically with me, based on evidence left behind from when he was on earth, i have a good idea of what he would say to me if i asked him questions. i know his personality well enough from what i've read that if someone tried to fool me and say "oh he said this about you", i would know right off: "no, i know him... he wouldn't say something like that."

via Holy Spirit, i can still talk to him. i can ask questions and get answers. i can get inside tips when i have tough choices to make. the trail he left not only gives me clues to who he was, but it's a live link and line of communication that makes him alive and available to me. even though he's not in body anymore, i don't have to do without him. i don't have to miss him and i don't have to wish he was here. that is so good to know.