get where the light is

to the maudlin, longing is a delicacy. it's constantly sought after to be savored. they never get enough. however. i am not maudlin, and i have not acquired a taste for missing, needing, wanting, lacking. i'm not announcing some crisis... or more drama. i'm just stating in my trademark convoluted way, that i plan to attain happiness, stability, contentment, equilibrium, whatever that is. i know that it's not a plateau because it seems when you think you have these things, they may linger for a minute but they're fragile. it's like blowing bubbles and catching them in your hand. you can hardly get attached to one and have it bronzed.

today, i'm not so happy as i could be. life isn't bad right now, i must say. things are still on the upswing, but i'm slightly stalled out and waiting for what the next thing is. i need to accomplish something. that's what i have a taste for. conquest to me is a delicacy and a confection. you can dangle it in front of me and i'll take step after step until i get it. it's the way i'm wired. it's how i'm made.

today, i attended the grand opening of a business that has been the dream of an aquaintance of mine for quite awhile now. the festivities were great, there was food, music, speech, games, people, laughter. quite a satisfactory symphony of celebration. i was distracted however. it seems like it's been too many moments since i warranted throwing a parade and occasioned being carried on the shoulders of friends and well-wishers. being at the celebration today was like being a barren middle-aged woman attending a childbirth. you share in the joy and fight back the longing, choke away the envy so as not to take away from the new mother's delight. i only illustrate that way for the sake of simile. i know i'm not ready for children yet. but oh how i long to rise to a level of accomplishment great enough to please myself. i'm doing alright, but i want to do really well. i'm making ok progress, but i want to "vini vidi vici".

"is it something within / holdin' you back instead of livin'? / your day is coming though it seems far / things will be clear when you love who you are / nothing can stop you as long / as you listen to your heart" - amel larrieux, "keep tryin'"

well, congratulations on my man's long-awaited "childbirth". can't be mad at him. but i think it's time for me to get about fulfilling what i'm supposed to do. once i was in an amateur college play and i wasn't standing in the right spot. the director in coaching admonished me that "every good actor knows how to find his light". you know when you're under it, you feel the heat, and moreover, it's so obvious that it's almost blinding when you're in it. i have yet to find my light. but until such time, i can prepare. it would so suck to stumble upon the right place at the right time and not know your lines. don't you think?