to have to prove and do and be

"It never dies. And I've done all this imagery -- I've killed it, and I've stomped it, and I've shot it, and I've strangled it, and I've skinned it, and I've burned it and still... still, that's me. To have to prove and do and be." - Halle Berry, on the inability to shake the eagerness to please.

We had a candid 4 hour meeting on Saturday about worship: what it is, how it works, how it should be, and how we can be better at it. A visiting friend of our church family comes in often and helps our music department in this area. Today she was giving us no holds barred commentary on what we should and should not be doing in preparing to invite God's presence into the room. As a natural course of discussion, the topic shifted to humility in worship.

She commented on how musicians and others in ministry take compliments, become puffed up in pride and begin to think they're more than they really are (as if they are all-important to God and that if they don't co-operate, God is somehow impaired when he in his omnipotence can easily select some other vessel to use). It seemed like she was intimating that praise from man[kind] was a bad thing implicity. Of course, I had to speak up about this. As much as I volley back and forth with seeking affirmation from people to feel good about my work vs. depending mainly on God's affirmation, I needed the point clarified.

[**and at this point, i stopped writing until february 6th, 2005**]

i took a look back at my notes and saw the other half of this rebuke. i'm glad i wrote it down, 'cause i put a pause in this entry when i couldn't remember what she said. anyway, what she emphasized was this. what we need is praise from God, not people. when people say something nice about us, that's not a bad thing inherently. but it's what you do with said praise that determines whether it's a bad thing or not. you're not to desire praise from man more than you desire praise from God, and if you're not sure whether you're on the right side of the spectrum or not, just ask God where the line is between haughty and humble.

"if you live your life desiring the recognition of man, you'll spend your life trying to eliminate the competition." - john evans

well thankfully, between the tortured time when i started this entry and the 6+ months later that i'm now finishing it, a lot of this desire has fallen away courtesy of the work of the Holy Spirit. this addiction to wanting someone to say you're good or you're worthy has been dealt with by the old fashioned all natural means of quitting cold turkey. effectually severed from all form of affirmation for a short season, i found a way to adapt when not noticed, acknowledged, or rewarded. now, i shall not say i like it, -- because God knows a lie when he hears one -- but i have learned to function. if i give a bad performance on a song, it's not the end of the world. if friends don't come around as often as i like, it's ok. God sustains me and i will be alright until i reach the next oasis.