slim possible

i've recently been enamored with the concept of love. a lot has to do with my unnatural fascination with fred hammond's somethin' 'bout love album. i think more of it has to do with God just wanting me to grow up some and improve my batting average when it comes to interacting with people. when i say love, i mean real kind. not the stuff that's based on feelings, because love is supposed to endure right? and feelings are just as temporary as anything can be. with me, they can change everyday. on a bad day, they may fluctuate multiple times in a day. so i know love isn't just a "feeling". now that i know what it isn't, all i can truthfully say that i know is that i really don't know nothin'.

it's said a million different ways in the bible. three things will endure -- faith, hope, and love -- but the greatest of these three is love. there's one. if i sell everything i own and give the money to the poor and even give myself to be a martyr, but i don't love, then what i have done doesn't really matter. there's another. God says "if you love me, keep my commandments." there's one where obedience is an indicator OF love. which reminds me of that one scripture where somebody was trying to get his attention sayin' "hey lord!" and so he tells them "why do you keep calling me lord, but you don't ever do anything i tell you to do?" apparently both love and obedience are important to God.

well, this has been my position. i've heard love was about sacrifice, but i had no idea how much. i take the blame for my last relationship failing. true she was needy, but i was selfish. and one is a little bothersome, but the other is just a crime. i think it was because i was raised like an only child, so what i want is what i want whenever i want it, and plenty of times, that's all that really mattered to me. the id within me likes to scream "just do whatever it takes to make me happy and shut up!" at my most primal level, this is what goes on.

look people, i really don't wanna be this way no more. it's not fun, and it doesn't get you friends. i'm more of a homebody, sometimes a loner, but that's by choice. if i'm a loner because i rain on everybody's parade and therefore none of the kids want to play with me, that's just not hot. so i'm trying to embrace this love concept, step by step.

so fast-forward now... this evening, i took an impromptu road trip with my friend kenny out to exchange his rental car. on the way, we're just talking about what's goin' on, how everybody's managing, and he started telling me about the various jobs he's juggling from networking and doing travel plans and running several businesses to taking care of his kids what not all while trying to be a good husband. and i'm thinking "whoa. i'm so glad i don't have that on my shoulders." there's about a 12 year gap between us, which is about the same between me and my nephew. so everything is kinda being told in a big brother to little brother context.

he's been reading the five love languages, and he was breaking down the premise of the book (which i'm familiar with, but his already-married p.o.v. made it all the more interesting). there was something most encouraging about hearing a true-to-life example of when things go right in a marriage. i've heard so much about Christian celebrities getting divorced like fred hammond, yolanda adams, hezekiah walker, brian mcknight, and then some close friends that i was starting to be come most ill at ease about the prospect of even attempting it. ever.

but it's been many moons (a/k/a 9 months) since my last romantic relationship dissolved. back in october of last year, i was so happy to be newly single that i was walkin' everywhere kickin' up my heels for at least a month. just too happy to be drama free. but between now and then, i've just avoided any such relationships out of a gunshy defense mechanism. well, anyway, after i got done talking to him, i was thinking "yeah, ok, maybe i can do this. it's difficult, but possible." sometimes all i need is just a slim possibility and that feeds oxygen to my hope.