look what i got

"got these feet in these shoes that walked a mile or two / got these legs, they done work, and left them black and blue / got these hips, they are wide, but they know how to move / got these hands to lift the weak or slap down a racist fool / mmm hmmm, this is all i got" - amel larrieux, "all i got".

after going around in circles a few times, i have come to really love my voice.  both speaking and singing.  i used to hate them both.  when singing, i was really nasal and i used to feel like my voice sounded like cranberry juice tastes (nice, but i most won't be taking in large amounts of it).  i didn't have the commanding bass and boom or a distinctive texture and grit like my friend darnell has.  i carried baggage from legions of black schoolchildren teasing that i sounded too white.  i think i'm over that now.
 
my ex-girlfriend made a point of saying how much she liked to hear me speak on the phone.  she said it soothed her.  i can't lie.  it went straight to my head.  wow.  i'd never heard anything like that before.  so i kept it, and now i'm much more confident about public speaking and phone interaction and what not.  plus, my nasal cranberry juice voice has matured some and naturally kinda developed a light airy agility.  i have the most fun fluttering around in falsettos, but it's nice to be able to sing with the brothers at church and hold down a smooth tenor or bass part with them.  so even on a bad day, it's pretty much all good now.
 
when i was a kid, my autodidactic grandfather used to have this all-important mantra for me.  he'd say "son, i want you to have command of the english language" (which always sounded funny to me because he had a slight southern twang accent by way of Pennsylvania though he'd been living in California the past 40 years).  so a good deal because of him, i grew up speaking well as opposed to talkin' right.  it got me ridiculed then, but i can appreciate it now.  it's an asset.
 
the only vocal education i got, i gave myself practicing in sheltered acoustic cocoons like the car, the shower, and my bedroom.  i became more confident as i practiced, but still lacked something.  when i started taking voice lessons, i learned how to breathe correctly and how to use my voice, and i was pleasantly surprised when my teacher pointed out that i had a very expressive and melodic speaking voice.  expressive and melodic, huh?  i guess it turns out that i had it goin' on all the time, but me being my worst detractor, never gave myself any credit for it. 

well you'd think i know by now, that i'm ok the way God made me, but every now and then... *sigh* i'll hear someone like chaka khan or amel larrieux or sting or tonéx or donny hathaway and think: "oh my God, what business do i have even considering myself a singer"?  buh- buh- but wait.  it's really okay.  i listen to songs i recorded a few years ago and think "wow... if i only had the ability then that i do now.  i would so kill that song to death."  the good thing is, i'm looking forward to the next time i gear up and record an album.  which i'm feeling may be sooner than i would have guessed.
 
and then sometimes when i do my best, people still listen to it and are sometimes amazed, sometimes could care less and politely decline any further listen.  oh how i wished i could have been born with one of those voices that stop people in their tracks and captivate, bemuse, and confound them.  but this is my voice.  i can lament that i'm not one of the above singers, or i can take what i got and work it for all it's worth. as i am currently in my right mind, i've chosen the latter.  at least i can say now gratefully, that on most days i like what i sound like.  my prayer is that i can augment someone else's life, mind, and joy with it.  i hope they like what i got, 'cause this is all there is, man! ;-)