tonight, i celebrate my love

if i may be both frank and intimate... i have this wild idea. lately i've been feeling disconnected from God despite my praying, despite my studying, despite my worship. the feeling is parallel with the point in natural relationships where you stop feeling googly-eyed and the "honeymoon period" is over. someone in bible study tonite was saying how they used to feel like they walked really close to God, but then they kinda got away from it a little bit. and then they kinda got away from it a lot. now they're back and trying to be cozied up and cool with God, but it doesn't feel the same.

well, i had to chime in and admit that i was feeling pretty much the same, but in a slightly different scenario. i've been a serious christian since like 1998. so 6 years ago, everything i was discovering in God was new and novel. i was enrapt with spending time in prayer and fasting and reading the Bible because it was a completely different area of myself that i had never taken time or occasion to explore and indulge. fast forward to the present time. i'm more of an adult than i was then, and by that, i mean i'm less wide-eyed, a little jaded here and there, and nonchalant about most all things Christ-centric. i don't want to be that way.

someone tonight proposed that because we grow older in Christ and some things become familiar. you can't just keep the same routine and expect God to respond the same way everytime. makes sense. i mean, he's a living being right? it was suggested that just as a father encourages his child to walk towards him by outstretching his arms to the child but standing a few baby steps away, so God may seem distant at times when he wants us to put in a little more work to feel the comforting embrace we've become so familiar with. the point is not to deprive us of comfort, but to motivate us to grow.

vis-à-vis, i have to pull an emeril and kick it up a notch. as it stands, my God-contact weekly consists roughly of: prayer in sprinkles... during church, a few words in the morning, a few words before bed, and some one-liners during the day, plus additional short supplications if anything goes wrong during the week; reading 1 and perhaps 2 chapters of the bible everyday;

you know, i was hoping to have something else after that semicolon, but sadly, that's all. i don't even count the 2 or 3 church activities i attend during the week, because most of my attention is focused on some church task. albeit important, these things don't outrank devoting time and attention to Christ. poor Jesus has to compete for my affections with everything and everyone. i'm always working on some website, futzing with e-mail, watching some sitcom, talking to someone on the phone, running off to work, shopping for something i don't need or doing something else that has selfishness at the root. herein lies the problem. Christ can't get a word in edgewise. hence, our romance is as the side of a large bed that hasn't had a warm body in it in awhile.

my endeavor now is to rekindle that romance. this is the crazy idea. well, not so much crazy as slightly unconventional. i'm thinking that if it were a 5+ year old marriage i was trying to rekindle romance in, what would i do?


let's see... wait until she's not home, clean the house up, send the kid(s) away for awhile, buy her a nice appropriate gift, have dinner prepared, put together a mix of songs on CD that you used to listen to when you first fell in love, dim the lights, burn some candles, enjoy the meal, and just spend some time together. if the situation calls for it, turn the music off, and slow dance on the kitchen floor. barefoot. no phone calls, no televisions, no interruptions. just sacrifice your undivided attention for a few hours to communicate in no uncertain terms: "you really are more important than all of those things that keep us from doing this more often."


as it relates to my God: i think... i would like... to wait until my roommate's not home, clear all the papers off of my floor, turn the ringer off of my phone and the volume on the answering machine down (so i can't screen the calls), fast for a day, put on a mix of songs I used to listen to when I first became really close with God, dim the lights, burn some candles, and spend some time with God... talking to him, listening to him, singing to him, telling him what i think is most beautiful about him, thanking him for little things he does that i don't acknowledge enough, and just being comforted by knowing he's there. if the situation calls for it, turn the music off, and just lie face down on the floor in reverence. just sacrificing my attention, undivided to communicate in no uncertain terms: "you really are more important... than life."