you are cordially invited

i probably haven't offered any solo song at my church in well over a month.  'twas just as well to me, since i was trying to send the spoiled child in me a message that "you can't always get your way".  so i've been trying to be as comfortable as possible in the background without pulling any stunts conscious or unconscious to draw attention to myself.  oh by the way, did i tell you that's one of my addictions?  so i've been feenin' quietly for weeks now and yay!  tonight, someone finally asked me to sing!  ok, so all is wonderful with the world, and i'm doin' the sunshine & lollipops thing again.  not that i couldn't have asked.  the door is always open.  still, there's something special about being entreated to come and dine as opposed to crashing uninvited and raising single disdainful eyebrows on each guest.  so anyway, that rocks.  however, if i'm about to get in front of God's folks, i need to go run and get on top of my game spiritually, vocally, and whatever otherwise.  'cause i hate not being confident when i get out there.  pray if you're listening.  peace.

[NOT REALLY RELEVANT, BUT INVERSELY RELATED QUOTE]:
"...but you, you're not allowed.  you're uninvited.  an unfortunate slight." - alanis morissette, "uninvited"

by the way, i wasn't kidding. you really are cordially invited*.  i don't know what song i'm singing yet, but  if you're in the L.A. area, the church is called H.O.P.E.'s House, starts at 9:30am, the people actually love God and they aren't crazy.

*STALKERS NEED NOT APPLY.

to have to prove and do and be

"It never dies. And I've done all this imagery -- I've killed it, and I've stomped it, and I've shot it, and I've strangled it, and I've skinned it, and I've burned it and still... still, that's me. To have to prove and do and be." - Halle Berry, on the inability to shake the eagerness to please.

We had a candid 4 hour meeting on Saturday about worship: what it is, how it works, how it should be, and how we can be better at it. A visiting friend of our church family comes in often and helps our music department in this area. Today she was giving us no holds barred commentary on what we should and should not be doing in preparing to invite God's presence into the room. As a natural course of discussion, the topic shifted to humility in worship.

She commented on how musicians and others in ministry take compliments, become puffed up in pride and begin to think they're more than they really are (as if they are all-important to God and that if they don't co-operate, God is somehow impaired when he in his omnipotence can easily select some other vessel to use). It seemed like she was intimating that praise from man[kind] was a bad thing implicity. Of course, I had to speak up about this. As much as I volley back and forth with seeking affirmation from people to feel good about my work vs. depending mainly on God's affirmation, I needed the point clarified.

[**and at this point, i stopped writing until february 6th, 2005**]

i took a look back at my notes and saw the other half of this rebuke. i'm glad i wrote it down, 'cause i put a pause in this entry when i couldn't remember what she said. anyway, what she emphasized was this. what we need is praise from God, not people. when people say something nice about us, that's not a bad thing inherently. but it's what you do with said praise that determines whether it's a bad thing or not. you're not to desire praise from man more than you desire praise from God, and if you're not sure whether you're on the right side of the spectrum or not, just ask God where the line is between haughty and humble.

"if you live your life desiring the recognition of man, you'll spend your life trying to eliminate the competition." - john evans

well thankfully, between the tortured time when i started this entry and the 6+ months later that i'm now finishing it, a lot of this desire has fallen away courtesy of the work of the Holy Spirit. this addiction to wanting someone to say you're good or you're worthy has been dealt with by the old fashioned all natural means of quitting cold turkey. effectually severed from all form of affirmation for a short season, i found a way to adapt when not noticed, acknowledged, or rewarded. now, i shall not say i like it, -- because God knows a lie when he hears one -- but i have learned to function. if i give a bad performance on a song, it's not the end of the world. if friends don't come around as often as i like, it's ok. God sustains me and i will be alright until i reach the next oasis.

the glow

"sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, everyhing that's wonderful is what i feel when we're together... my life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, that's how this refrain goes, so come on join in everybody!" - lesley gore, "sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows"

i've noticed a really pleasant aftereffect to time spent praying, reading, fasting, etc. i'm so becoming mr. sunshine man. the calm ensuing from spending what really isn't a lot of time (but moreso of high quality interaction) is amazing! i mean, not only did i not go off on my roommate when she was yelling at me monday, but just wednesday, i was working at my partner's house on some brochure. he'd been severely sleep deprived and was getting cranky as the night wore on. we started to disagree on several points in the design. he was getting whiny, and i was getting frustrated. i could feel my good humor depleting, but miraclulously... i didn't take it there. i reached the same point where i previously would have given up, walked out in the middle of the job, and probably peppered the convo with some sharpened words and blunt gestures.

there's been dramatic differences in my attitude. in galatians, the scripture that the reference about the fruits of the spirit says that they are "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control... against such things there is no law". i remember reading this when i was working at the escrow company long ago (stressful job). i'd see the list and think somethin' like "today i can do goodness, i can do faithfulness, but kindness, gentleness, patience, gentleness don't stand a chance". it was just impossible to hold that standard up, you know? but lo and behold, a few weeks of meditation and i noticed that i was beginning to embody virtually everything on the list. not like i was trying hard to make the cut, but just as a natural outcropping, i was just doing it! it's great. it's more evidence that my faith isn't unfounded and even though i believe in Him, i still need God to remind me that he's real from time to time.

right now, i kinda have this "glow". which makes me wonder if i had just been quietly depressed for a few months. i don't really give in to depression, so it's not like it has full reign of the place whenever it tries to set in. yet, i've noticed that people who were not too recently were avoiding me are now conversely gravitating towards me. i've gotten back to talking to people and smiling at strangers and stuff, which i think freaks people out when i'm in the elevator, but anyway... i just feel great and i wanna break 'em off a piece like kit kat. God knows i need people like that when i'm in a funk. opportunities are just open to me and things are falling into place. not that everything has been perfect these last few weeks, but nothing is getting to me. both junk and drama slide off me like teflon, and i'm lovin' it. if i thought it was because of me, i'd be singin' that mc lyte joint "i can't make a mistake", 'cause everything is just goin' so great, but i'm convinced that it's just good ol' God-stank wafting off. yeah, i said God-stank. deal with it! lol

look what i got

"got these feet in these shoes that walked a mile or two / got these legs, they done work, and left them black and blue / got these hips, they are wide, but they know how to move / got these hands to lift the weak or slap down a racist fool / mmm hmmm, this is all i got" - amel larrieux, "all i got".

after going around in circles a few times, i have come to really love my voice.  both speaking and singing.  i used to hate them both.  when singing, i was really nasal and i used to feel like my voice sounded like cranberry juice tastes (nice, but i most won't be taking in large amounts of it).  i didn't have the commanding bass and boom or a distinctive texture and grit like my friend darnell has.  i carried baggage from legions of black schoolchildren teasing that i sounded too white.  i think i'm over that now.
 
my ex-girlfriend made a point of saying how much she liked to hear me speak on the phone.  she said it soothed her.  i can't lie.  it went straight to my head.  wow.  i'd never heard anything like that before.  so i kept it, and now i'm much more confident about public speaking and phone interaction and what not.  plus, my nasal cranberry juice voice has matured some and naturally kinda developed a light airy agility.  i have the most fun fluttering around in falsettos, but it's nice to be able to sing with the brothers at church and hold down a smooth tenor or bass part with them.  so even on a bad day, it's pretty much all good now.
 
when i was a kid, my autodidactic grandfather used to have this all-important mantra for me.  he'd say "son, i want you to have command of the english language" (which always sounded funny to me because he had a slight southern twang accent by way of Pennsylvania though he'd been living in California the past 40 years).  so a good deal because of him, i grew up speaking well as opposed to talkin' right.  it got me ridiculed then, but i can appreciate it now.  it's an asset.
 
the only vocal education i got, i gave myself practicing in sheltered acoustic cocoons like the car, the shower, and my bedroom.  i became more confident as i practiced, but still lacked something.  when i started taking voice lessons, i learned how to breathe correctly and how to use my voice, and i was pleasantly surprised when my teacher pointed out that i had a very expressive and melodic speaking voice.  expressive and melodic, huh?  i guess it turns out that i had it goin' on all the time, but me being my worst detractor, never gave myself any credit for it. 

well you'd think i know by now, that i'm ok the way God made me, but every now and then... *sigh* i'll hear someone like chaka khan or amel larrieux or sting or tonéx or donny hathaway and think: "oh my God, what business do i have even considering myself a singer"?  buh- buh- but wait.  it's really okay.  i listen to songs i recorded a few years ago and think "wow... if i only had the ability then that i do now.  i would so kill that song to death."  the good thing is, i'm looking forward to the next time i gear up and record an album.  which i'm feeling may be sooner than i would have guessed.
 
and then sometimes when i do my best, people still listen to it and are sometimes amazed, sometimes could care less and politely decline any further listen.  oh how i wished i could have been born with one of those voices that stop people in their tracks and captivate, bemuse, and confound them.  but this is my voice.  i can lament that i'm not one of the above singers, or i can take what i got and work it for all it's worth. as i am currently in my right mind, i've chosen the latter.  at least i can say now gratefully, that on most days i like what i sound like.  my prayer is that i can augment someone else's life, mind, and joy with it.  i hope they like what i got, 'cause this is all there is, man! ;-)

ok, joyce.

oh. my. God.

my roommate just totally tripped out on me. i live with a 60-year-old woman who rents a room in her house to me. great situation actually. rent is low, utilities are free, no charge to use washer, dryer, refrigerator, freezer, cabinet space. for the time i've lived there, i have pretty much kept to myself. learned to be reasonably quiet since she sleeps light. while i'm doing the college thing, it's ideal. this lady has been kind, so i've taken up tasks like looking after her cats, fixing computer problems, running errands in town, and other such neighborly things.

today's eruption of a disagreement was a surprise because aparently she was frustrated that she had to tell me too many times to take out the garbage and that i never do a thorough enough job. whoa! "tell me"?! sweet lady, yes. but she's got it twisted. whenever i take out the trash, it's a favor. hence my indignance at her lambasting my work as unsatisfactory. now normally when issues like this arise, i am actually the more likely one to be pushed out of shape, raising my voice, and more emotional than rational about the situation. but this time it was actually her and she really took it all the way there. i was so taken aback!

she claims we had an agreement that i was supposed to do certain chores around the house, and the truth is, there is no such agreement in effect! all we have is a month-to-month rental agreement. apart from that, i wanted to just blast her with a classic Thespian reading of the time-honored "i ain't got to do a [fill-in-the-blank with appropriate curse word(s)] thang, you sorry [optionally add choice incendiary pejorative epithet]."

i would likely not take such issue with her indignance if it wasn't wrapped up in a tortilla made of "i say you have to do this, and that's all there is to say"! that's just the absolute wrongest way to approach me to get me to do something. she could have asked nicely that i do these things for her. especially so in light of the fact that she's still on the rebound healing from a surgery she just had.

the silver lining on it is that, while she was giving full vent to her frustrations, i didn't lose my cool. i actually got to be the voice of reason for once. i had plenty of things i could've said, but after awhile, it was pointed that she wasn't interested in solving the issue. she just wanted to do all the talking. i started using what my Papa told me was the secret to how he kept his marriage happy for so long. he said, "son, whatever the woman says, just say 'ok.' and 'alright.' now, you might not actually do it, but just say 'ok.'" that's what i did, and that's the end of it for now. i don't even want to re-open the case later, but i'm sure at least she'll be calmer. when i asked her to lower her voice and calm down, she said "i don't have to calm down! i can get upset if i want to!"

in parentheses, i thought: "you can get upset if you want to, but you are so not taking me there with you." but instead, i just said said, "ok, joyce. ok." and i left. so whadaya know. this "love" thing is good for something afterall. ;-)

retaining momentum

"it's not so bad, it's not so bad..." - dido, "thank you"

"i have to admit it's getting better, it's getting better all the time" - the beatles, "getting better"

"when you are moving fast you can succeed, just how long can you last at twice the speed?" - chaka khan, "heed the warning"

that's about the only way i can summarize my position now. i love making progress, i love being on the upswing, i love when i'm going for it and there seems to be no end in sight.

however.

i have learned from living that life isn't always upswing and it has seemed so far that exhilarating climbs are almost always followed by anticlimactic rallentandos. sometimes i sell myself short by trying to stay one step ahead of the trend and just dive straight down before i can lose the momentum in the first place. it's the equivalent of preventing rejection by not even walking across the floor to ask the pretty girl to dance.

i know in theory that that's always a bad thing to do, but man, i hate those let-downs. i suppose i'm not expecting failure to show up at my door in the next 30 minutes like a pizza order or something, but i've been having a really good time now for what seems like too long a time, so i'm bracing for the cops to show up and declare the party over for the night.

i'm not a pessimist. i'm actually supposed to have this fearless warrior mentality based on my personality and what my name means alone. well, i'm capable of it, but it's had a really long nap and it's kinda groggy waking up so i don't feel so much up to the challenge as i would have, oh, say, like 6 years ago when i first started doing this Christian thing and i was ready to take on the world. not dead. just apprehensive.

anyway, what i do know is that life is good right now. my customers are happy, creativity is flowing, cash is lately less ebbing and more and more flowing, health is top notch, car is running great, and i can't see the back of the refrigerator (if you don't know what i mean, then good for you!)

so i guess, my admonition for the day is: eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow it's possible that we could die, but just in case we don't, at least we'll have eaten, drank, and have to show for it that wonderful sense of well-being that only a turkey bacon sandwich on wheat bread with monterey jack cheese and fresh tomatoes can give.

"first u were bitten but now twice shy / i believe the storm is passing by / if u syng, he'll take away ur pain / he's the 1 who knows just what ur saying in your brain" - tonex, "syng"

slim possible

i've recently been enamored with the concept of love. a lot has to do with my unnatural fascination with fred hammond's somethin' 'bout love album. i think more of it has to do with God just wanting me to grow up some and improve my batting average when it comes to interacting with people. when i say love, i mean real kind. not the stuff that's based on feelings, because love is supposed to endure right? and feelings are just as temporary as anything can be. with me, they can change everyday. on a bad day, they may fluctuate multiple times in a day. so i know love isn't just a "feeling". now that i know what it isn't, all i can truthfully say that i know is that i really don't know nothin'.

it's said a million different ways in the bible. three things will endure -- faith, hope, and love -- but the greatest of these three is love. there's one. if i sell everything i own and give the money to the poor and even give myself to be a martyr, but i don't love, then what i have done doesn't really matter. there's another. God says "if you love me, keep my commandments." there's one where obedience is an indicator OF love. which reminds me of that one scripture where somebody was trying to get his attention sayin' "hey lord!" and so he tells them "why do you keep calling me lord, but you don't ever do anything i tell you to do?" apparently both love and obedience are important to God.

well, this has been my position. i've heard love was about sacrifice, but i had no idea how much. i take the blame for my last relationship failing. true she was needy, but i was selfish. and one is a little bothersome, but the other is just a crime. i think it was because i was raised like an only child, so what i want is what i want whenever i want it, and plenty of times, that's all that really mattered to me. the id within me likes to scream "just do whatever it takes to make me happy and shut up!" at my most primal level, this is what goes on.

look people, i really don't wanna be this way no more. it's not fun, and it doesn't get you friends. i'm more of a homebody, sometimes a loner, but that's by choice. if i'm a loner because i rain on everybody's parade and therefore none of the kids want to play with me, that's just not hot. so i'm trying to embrace this love concept, step by step.

so fast-forward now... this evening, i took an impromptu road trip with my friend kenny out to exchange his rental car. on the way, we're just talking about what's goin' on, how everybody's managing, and he started telling me about the various jobs he's juggling from networking and doing travel plans and running several businesses to taking care of his kids what not all while trying to be a good husband. and i'm thinking "whoa. i'm so glad i don't have that on my shoulders." there's about a 12 year gap between us, which is about the same between me and my nephew. so everything is kinda being told in a big brother to little brother context.

he's been reading the five love languages, and he was breaking down the premise of the book (which i'm familiar with, but his already-married p.o.v. made it all the more interesting). there was something most encouraging about hearing a true-to-life example of when things go right in a marriage. i've heard so much about Christian celebrities getting divorced like fred hammond, yolanda adams, hezekiah walker, brian mcknight, and then some close friends that i was starting to be come most ill at ease about the prospect of even attempting it. ever.

but it's been many moons (a/k/a 9 months) since my last romantic relationship dissolved. back in october of last year, i was so happy to be newly single that i was walkin' everywhere kickin' up my heels for at least a month. just too happy to be drama free. but between now and then, i've just avoided any such relationships out of a gunshy defense mechanism. well, anyway, after i got done talking to him, i was thinking "yeah, ok, maybe i can do this. it's difficult, but possible." sometimes all i need is just a slim possibility and that feeds oxygen to my hope.

denouement

so lemme tell you how it all went down. i surprised even myself. i actually enacted a piece of what i suggested in my last blog entry. later that night, i cleared the papers off my floor, vacuumed, put on some comfortable clothes, lit a modest ginger peach candle, turned off the ringer on the phone, and held a 1-on-1 worship session in my very own bedroom. it was amazing. it was so out of the norm. it's not like i've never worshipped before, but i've never had such an intimate experience with God in my bedroom... in my own house. It's as if some unwritten rule proclaimed that interaction with God was permitted at only church or in the car on the way to or from church. But this "hit me where I lived".

I pulled out this old mixed CD that hadn't been in rotation for near 3 years. brought back the most beautiful, reverent memories. should you care, the playlist included nichole nordeman's "this mystery", "tremble", and "help me believe"... "the heart of worship (when the music fades)" and "o sacred king" by matt redman... "i will never be the same" by benjamin gate... and the song that got the most repeats on the dance floor that night, "jesus blood" by deliriou5?.

it was great. i don't know why i don't do that more often, but as i raised my hands in resolute surrender, at that moment i promise you felt such visceral tingly almost electric sensations flush across my body like a wave washing up my spine. it was so impactful that i did collapse for awhile a few seconds just wanting to yield to this sensory phenomemon of sorts. i'm not sure if that's what it feels like to be overcome by (or slain in) the Holy Spirit, but i welcome that rush to come thru and visit anytime. i really think it could have been God's holy spirit confirming his presence to me in a tangible way. who said being in church was a prerequisite? God's omnipresent, right?

well, mind you, my room was small, so even though it was kinda chilly that night, between the single candle burning my active pacing, kneeling, dancing, singing, and prostrating, it was comfortably warm in no time. warm like a thick soup or a thermos of tea can warm you from the inside. it was sooooooooooo peaceful and tranquil. now i have a clearer understanding of when i hear at church how your exhibition of worship on Sunday is more an outcropping of your worship behavior at home and all through the week. after spending what was actually only a fast passing 30-45 minutes in dedicated worship time, i felt more free to pray, more at liberty to lift my hands and expect God's presence to show, more connected period.

plus, as unconventional as it may seem, one of the coolest features of this brand new worship experience for me was a little interlude where i was sitting quietly and contemplating. as the theme of the night was more or less romancing with the Holy Spirit, i went down a not-too-oft traveled road and included watching performances of "Nothing Can Come Between Us" and "Your Love Is King" from my Sade Live DVD. Wait though. Before you declare me a heathen (which Kentesheia already has), lemme tell you what it was based on. This scripture has been running around my head for weeks and weeks and whenever I thought of it I wondered if one of my favorite Sade songs could be altered minimally to reflect the strong bond between God's love and his people.

I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor the future, nor powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is ours in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39 (NIV).

as i was watching it, i remembered how i always thought that i wouldn't want to go to a Sade concert unless i could be there with someone i'm in love with. if you look at the audience, you always see couples dancing in the aisles. however, this time, i had a brand new feeling of being embraced by God. amorous lines like "you're making me dance inside" and "there is always this and this is everlasting" and "it's about faith, it's about trust... nothing can come between us, nothing can pull us apart" were attributed most directly to God. it was nice. i felt loved. and everybody needs that. definitely gonna have to do this again.