turn over a rock

it's been a dizzying ride recently. i've been actively trying to confront pain from my past in order to free myself up for whatever God has in the future. there have been plenty of days where i wished i had shrunken back from the task and just let things be. but once you turn over a rock and let scatter the roaches beneath, it's almost impossible to coax them all back into their previously comfortable (and more importantly out of view) place if you change your mind.

these days, layers of repressed anger are the roach of choice that i would like to bury back under the rock. the process of catharsis sometimes leaves me tired. and while my physical and emotion strength is drained, i'm apt to forget that the goal in the big picture is a good one. as my usually spirited gait and ebullience temporary give way to more of a muddy trudging through and straight-face at best, i constantly question whether it's worth it. but for faith, i wouldn't have a positive answer.

"death whispers words of defeat in my ear
my God I draw near
my God I draw near" - john reuben, "draw near"

God isn't absent though. nor is he inert. though i have cycled through points where i wasn't going to make it. God never forgets about me and in his own time... just in time... he gives me something i can use to steady myself, lift my head, and keep breathing.