clarity

why such a high price? why the drive? why am i always trying to understand everything around me? like a kid exploring the world around him where everything is new and foreign... they want to pick up everything. see it, touch it, taste it, tear it up, put it back together, and move on to the next curious object.

even now i'm amazed at the process of enlightmentment. when the light comes on and you say "oh! now i get it." they used to let me and my sister and my cousins watch the color purple as kids. that movie's pretty serious, pretty complicated and dramatic. i was six years old then. i don't know who told them that was a good idea, but i couldn't tell the difference. for all i knew, the movie was a comedy, 'cause we all cracked up laughin' at shug avery declarin' that celie "sho' is ugly" while lookin' like all that be damned herself.

i got into my teenage years and could finally begin to wrap my head around more of what was goin' on. i realized that the film had comedic parts, but beginning to know what's going on in the world brought some color to a movie that was largely black and white to me. of course, when you're a teenager, you learn a lot, really fast. it makes your head spin and by the time things settle (if they do at all), you think you know everything probably because you just learned three times as much in the latter half of your life-span as you had in the first half. you figure that was the finale and there's not much more of "it" that you have to "get".

well, here i am about to slide into 27 years old. and i just bought the color purple on dvd. un-cut, un-censored, and un-like the version i was used to seeing on TV as a teenager or even on VHS as a largely oblivious child. the film itself hasn't changed. everything is just as it always was, but i understand so much more about the nature of people and what causes folks to do things.

now as an adult, i watch the movie and i check for motive. why did this happen? what did mister have to do with shug? how did miss sophia manage to reconcile with harpo after he obviously had kids with squeak and how are they all paling to around together now like nothing's wrong? not that the answer to any of those questions unravel the meaning of life, but those questions sure weren't there the last time i watched it.

as a matter of fact, there were so many new questions and observations and little crumbs and whisps of data that i was just absolutely unable to perceive before that it's almost like a brand new film to me.

i understand a little more this time around.

can you remember when you were just
6 years old
with a trusting heart accepting
everything you're told
anyone bigger must have been right
even if they were wrong
you'd take what was given
you didn't know better
all your little mind could comprehend
was goodness and truth
even when the baddest things were
being done to you
ain't it a shame how you pay
for your innocence
when you take what was given
you didn't know any better 'bout

loving, cheatin, people leaving
dying, living, losin and forvigin
growin, sayin no and, being who you are

What about the time when you became
16 years old
with an unsure heart believing
some of what you're told
wanting to be someone different,
but there's pressure to be the same
so you'd take what was given
you didn't know better
all that you could think about was
what you should or should not do
every single insecurity was magnified for you
and suddenly you began to feel all the contradictions
but you'd take what was given
you didn't know better 'bout

loving, cheatin, people leaving
dying, living, losin and forvigin
growin, sayin no and, being who you are

Now here you are a little older than before
you really been through it and you might go through some more
but if there's one precious thing you've learned,
it's that you can't just take what is given,
cuz now you know better

- Mondo Grosso featuring Amel Larrieux, "Now You Know Better"
(CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE SONG. THE LINK'S ONLY GOOD FOR 7 DAYS, SO IF IT EXPIRES, JUST LET ME KNOW, 'CAUSE I THINK EVERYBODY SHOULD HEAR THIS SONG.)

all this said, it's amazing how i'm a little more at peace now. i understand a little bit more of what's going on in my world. and i feel more at ease. more in control. there's something generally discomforting about feeling like your world is spinning haphazardly by no rules into nowhere. you can breathe easier when you just have a half an idea of what's going on.