i am free

ok, i'm happy right now, and i wanted to blog while i'm happy just so that there is some official evidence of it on the record. not just so that you who are paying attention to me will dismiss your thoughts of me as one eternally malcontent. but just so i can take this feeling i have now, and bottle it like a fragrace, so that one day when things aren't going to well, i can uncap the record of this happiness and fill my nostrils with it until things feel better. for yesterday, i finished my last final in the last class of the semester, and now?

i am free.

"i'm takin' my freedom / pullin' it off the shelf / puttin' it on my chain / wearin' it 'round my neck / i'm takin' my freedom / puttin' it in my car / wherever i choose to go / it will take me far / i'm livin' my life / like it's golden" - jill scott, "golden"

it's true. i did have to take my freedom, fold it up, and put it away on a shelf somewhere. i never surrendered my life entirely to school because i admittedly didn't want to lose my mind for education's sake. but i can say without hyperbole though that school held did hold said life 55% engulfed in its gaping jaws for 4 months straight. to finally be released for an extended break feels indescribable. the only thing i could really do to express my life was dance. all by myself, in my room, featuring me... as the DJ. bouncing happily from nicole c. mullen's "without you"... to joyce sims' "looking for a love" (a 1989 freestyle classic that always reminds me of those carefree summers as a child)... to loose ends' "don't be a fool"... to coming home specifically to buy a download of jill scott's "golden". it just felt appropriate. a song lauding the beauty of owning the freedom in your life. it was perfect for the occasion and my favorite time of day when the sun turns golden and sprays orangy brilliant light sideways along everything as it sets.

maybe that's why i don't blog when i'm happy. for all the words and turns of phrases that i've collected so that i can adequately express myself, nothing in my arsenal comes close to doing the job. searching for those words sometimes is like staring blankly at your closet trying to decide what to wear on a day when you want the entire world to know how in love you are... or how angry you are... or how sharp and formidable... or sexy... or vulnerable. you would have to see me smiling. hear the elevated tone in my voice. know me on a regular day in order to tell the difference in the rhythm of the way i walk when some kind of joy makes me light on my feet.

if i could try and describe it. it's akin to being like a young child in a field that stretches out as far and wide as the eye can see, and then taking the energy and the drive inside you that has been repressed and restrained for so long... and unleashing it to be wild and colorful and untamed, as it's supposed to be. to run as far and as fast and as long as you want... just for the sheer delight of running.

i did that tonight. i loaded into my arms a stack of old books up to my chin and carried them like a funeral procession to bury them back at the library from whence they came. and having received closure, i threw all structure and restraint out of the window and wandered. at midnight. when not a soul is around. and i can feel like the city is a place that only i own to be treated as my own personal amusement park. enjoying the coolness of the night air, taking delight in the symmetrical formations of amber street lights that decorated my way, appreciating the grayish peach color of reflected light from the city on a marine layer of clouds.

i could have gone straight home, but i stayed to listen to the sound of rushing water coming from an illuminated fountain nearby. i just stopped and sat and let my mind be entertained by something as simple as the shadows that the coruscating water projected against the concrete. i had to be hedonist just for a moment and relish the rich flavor of what peace of mind tastes like when you haven't had it for awhile. it suffuses all of me slowly with well-being and gratitude and i am thankful to God. not only for times that are kind to me, but also for the security of knowing that when times not so kind? God guarantees that they will be impermanent.

"He is my light and my salvation
whom have I to fear
in His secret place I'll hide
and pray that I might hear
a simple word

and when my enemies draw near
I pray that they will find
that I'm protected and secure
all tempests he will bind
with a mighty word

oh how I would have dispaired
if you had not come found me there
I can lean against your throne and find my peace
find my peace."
- jennifer knapp, "peace"

to come full circle, i do recall not too long ago being a little overcome lamenting the loss of loved ones and fun times that once brought me joy, but had since become inaccesible to me. however, i was holding to the unfounded belief that a new joy was somewhere in store for me. i was not willing to accept that what i had experienced up to that point was all that there was and that happiness of that level was consummately done, never to return to me. i didn't feel the fruition of it at the time. as a matter of fact, i'm pretty sure i just felt crappy, but i believed it would come around again. so as it is upon me right now, let the record also show... that i was right.