cookies need love (like everything does)

i think i'm ready now. it's been erstwhile in the back of my mind, but now, a safe 2½ years since the end of my last relationship, i think i'd like to try again. even though money's not quite flowing like i like it to. i blame it on t.v. romantic comedies are sometimes worse than food commercials. their sole purpose on the earth is to dress their product up so good that you'd step over your own mother to get it. (by the way, did you know that when fast food restaurants have the principle photography done for their burgers and fries and what not, they actually have make-up artists for the food?)

all that aside, it's working. i think i've learned a lot in 2 years. i've taken distinct pains to make myself a better person, and i mean that almost as much literally as i do figuratively. i didn't do quite as well as i wanted to last go round, but i acknowledged most of those mistakes and actually invested some time and effort towards fixing them. i believe i'm more formidable this time, and i would like to vie again.

“by-ah-dah, finding a reason to fall away (do it again) / by-ah-dah, never a solution to reasons that i stray... / so I say I won't fall / I'll be encouraged and stand tall / and proclaim that you prove me / time and time again / try me, Lord, try me / try me again / I'm willing to be used by you / try me again / because at the time that I failed / I really should have prevailed / try me again” - Kim Burrell, “Try Me Again”

now, i say this fearlessly because i'm confident that God won't allow me to be tempted beyond what i can bear (I Cor. 10:13). also, i'm confident because God is my confidence and he will keep my foot from being taken (Prov 3:26). and i don't believe that if I ask for love, that God will instead give me "a scorpion" (Luke 11:11-13). so i'm no longer (so much) afraid that there is some drop-dead gorgeous female hellbent on my destruction who only wants to seduce me, turn me into her baby daddy, guilt me into marrying her, and make my life a living hell until death do us part. on the contrary. i've met some really nice women. and i've also become a lot less selfish with my time. shoot. i'm a lot less selfish period. now, i'm grounded though. i have not lost myself by far. however, said self is on a leash. and i feel more controlled, stable, balanced.

Oracle: Please. You and I may not be able to see beyond our own choices, but that man can't see past any choice.
Neo: Why not?
Oracle: He doesn't understand them, he can't. To him they are variables and equations. One at a time each must be solved and counted. That's his purpose: to balance the equation.
Neo: What's your purpose?
Oracle: To unbalance it.

i deal in control pretty often when i speak about myself. and right now, i'm shopping. i'm looking to sell-off a bit of my control to a suitable buyer. i'm game to maybe let a regulation amount of unbalance into my life because? well, maybe i need more hobbies, but it's not like i'm ever at a loss for what to do. recently, the social life that i've always begged for tried to run me over in the middle of the street. every friend and cohort calls on this cell phone (that i did not necessarily want) wanting to kick it, or to come over, to go out, or just to chat. it's a little overwhelming. and yet, i'm professing that i want this.

like i said, i blame t.v. another thing i've been watching recently is the family man. a quiet favorite of mine. i don't watch it all the time, but whenever i take a notion to slide it into the DVD player, i enjoy it immensely. for i identify strongly with nic cage's character having "everything" in his corporate-driven though "utterly alone" bachelor's lifestyle... and then trying to reconcile that with the idea of having a different set of "everything" in the college sweetheart he left behind. getting to see two different prongs of possiblity is wholly stimulating to me. you know i'm big on choice, right?

the caveat is that i know that in lauded relationships as these, when they appear on screen, the nerve-wracking discomfort of attempting to form such a strong bond is always downplayed. in real life, said discomfort is fully felt. and you should know that i don't like my nerves being wracked. i think i can make it though. "i think i can beat mike tyson." i think this time, i might not go running for the hills if she accidently does something that reminds me of my mother's unpleasantries. shoot. if she's a wildcat and cusses me out the first time i get on her nerves, i might just want to marry her.