abandon

"close your eyes
and rest your tired body next to mine
nobody knows more than you
these hard times that we're living through
but baby we'll go on and on
lord knows we've got each other
so kiss me hard and long
hard times
we can get over"
- queen latifah, "hard times" (1995)

i would like the record to show that in the weeks that have passed without many words from me, life has been good. better than good. richly and unbelievably blessed. this further underscores the unfortunate trend that when my life is ethereally full of joy, blissfully peaceful, and i am consummately glad to be alive, i get so wrapped up in enjoying to the fullest what's going on, that i do not write to try to capture some record of said feeling for any future reference. furthermore, i've established something of a nice "level" of writing here that i'm comfortable with. so, frivolous emotional blurps of day to day things that no one cares about... i actually blog on my myspace page now. why? because the subject "things that no one cares about" seems appropriately placed on myspace. i feel no pressure to be witty. and really, there's no pressure here either, but it's a function of my own desire to put effort and thought into this since i know people actually are listening.

that said, so i'm back tonight because i'm not happy. i don't think i mentioned in my absence that i met amel larrieux (yet again), that i've had a great time with friends at school, and church family, i've been working out and really feel good about the way i look (even though no one else could possibly notice yet), not only am i "lovin' what i see", but i'm lovin' how i sound too... my voice is demonstrating a maturity that's impressing me lately... i'm creative and swirling with new melodies i can't wait to record, i'm looking at children and thinking ahead to the future, receiving the coolest unprompted compliments from nowhere, and hard times aside, i'm not too burnt out to want to squeeze in at least one summer school class...

but something happened. and now i'm not happy. i conveniently forgot most of the above. i'm rather consumed with these finals and all the trappings that come with. i've concentrated my time, thought, effort, and concern in to 5 big events in 5 classes, and tonight was the first time i didn't think my investment paid off. i think i tanked a final. i studied today, i studied yesterday, i studied the two days before, and i studied before that, but i don't think it wasn't enough. what i'm hearing is "my best isn't good enough." i don't like hearing that. it's so on the list of the Top 10 Things I Never Want Anybody To Say To Me. worst of all, i think it's me screaming it the loudest. i don't feel accomplished, i instead feel slighted. cheated. unresolved. left hanging in the limbo of an anticlimactic t.v. season finale, and then devastated to find that the show won't be coming back in the fall to give me closure.

i have yet to assess how much of this purported failure is my fault because (1) it's still only in the purported stage, and (2) i really don't wanna know because there a chance that it could be more than 50%. nonetheless, if i spend any longer lamenting the loss, it's going to begin taking a toll on the remaining class that i still must perform in.

truly, what i really wanted to put my effort towards for a moment tonight was contemplating abandon. "just jump in a taxi cab, pack my bags, and get away... fast." imagining any plethora of other drugs i could use to numb this dull ache. food? done that already and it wears off too quickly. alcohol? not my speed at all. sex? seems like would be a nice diversion, but is wishful thinking in an imagined state and dangerous in most any other state.

"what i really need is an anesthetic
something for my wounds, scars, heartaches, and headaches
i'm sorry for the way that i sound
i really didn't mean to bring you down
i just want the pain to go away..."
- mark chappelle, "anesthetic"

i know it's narcissistic to an almost abject degree to quote my own song lyrics, but for the purpose of expressing my own discontent, i could think of no better reference. i feel obligated however to also expose the upshot of the song because "down" is almost never the end of any of my endeavors...

"Lord you have become my anesthetic
when i take my cares to you then i can forget it
'cause you said you're never too far
from those of crushed spirit and broken heart
troubles may come great and come small
you deliver the righteous from them all

"though it's been rainin' pretty hard
i know you can make the clouds to part
so dark at night I can't see the stars
i'm told it's always darkest before the dawn
i go on though i feel i can't go on
'cause i know these tight times can't last too long

and since the day before last
you know what, i was feelin' mighty bad
then all of a sudden you came...

and now the pain's gone away."

I will do my best to practice what I preach. Good night.