completely in command

"How can I be sure
When your intrusion is my illusion
How can I be sure
When all the time you changed my mind
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure
When you don't give me love
You gave me pale shelter
You don't give me love
You give me cold hands
And I can't operate on this failure
When all I want to be is
Completely in command"
- Tears for Fears, "Pale Shelter"

Can I be honest? I have never understood what the meaning of the lyrics of this song were. I don't understand the meaning in the lyrics of most songs by Tears For Fears. But I sure can identify when this guy sings in his eighties whinywail: "all I wanna be is completely in command." As if that's not too much to ask. As if that's a smart thing to ask. And yet I still identify. Like I have to have my hands on everything. I have to write my own story. Produce my own songs. Design my own websites. Drive my own car when I'm goin' somewhere I've never been before or staying for an indefinite amount of time.

People, I have a problem. I desire to be God. I'm not talking about being like God. Trying to be like God is a good thing. Very good. Trying to be God is bad. Probably very bad. If one were to succeed, it would be horrible. If I had to take over God's job fully. I couldn't deal. I'd just start blowin' up stuff until we got back to the drawing board. I'd be on some ol' Genesis stuff back to when "the earth was without being form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. So needless to say, if there is an election, you would do well not to vote for me as God because I don't know what I'm doin'. I don't want his job. It's too hard, doesn't seem to pay enough, and ya'll puny humans are some ungrateful suh-muh-muhs* most times.

However, as his hand is steadily working me through the annals of my life and times, I get to rough spots and I want to move his hand and rewrite the plan for just that section. I get to a rounded corner and I want a right angle there instead. I get bored with his straight lines and on a lark, I want an arc. Pointless stuff with little or no consideration to the future or the big picture. It's the same problem I've faced before and I know I'm not the only one: I love God, but sometimes I really don't trust him. Not that I don't want to (I can also get convoluted and say "not that I don't want to want to..."), but my actions say something different.

"Sometimes I sit wondering
I wonder what the future brings
I wonder what tomorrow means
I've thoughts of fear, they frighten me
'Bout days ahead that I can't see
I wanna know with certainty
So I'm faced with a choice
A fork in the road
I can raise my voice in protest
Or surrender and let go"
- Crystal Lewis, "Learn To Fly"

The catch-22 is this. If I spend all my time trying to control everything, I'll eventually get so overloaded that I can't do anything. But if I can instead begin to slowly open my hands and release things that I've gripped so tightly to, then my dexterity will be free to be used in some other expedient pursuits such as seeing how many songs I can record in one summer. Man, I can hardly wait 'til this semester is over.... ;-)

A perfect example, for instance. This new album I've got in gestation. I'd like to have some of the extremely talented people I know contribute. Do a duet. Have someone else do some of the background vocals. Let someone else produce a track or two. Bring in some guest musicians. Maybe even let someone else write for me. Last time I recorded, I pretty much wrote everything, played everything, sung everything, did everything. I generally feel more secure when I have a say in things that affect me.

However, like a friend of mine once said about a certain big-voiced hypersexual Latina songstress with a penchant for oversinging, "just because something can be done doesn't mean it's to be done." I've become aware that though I am thankfully capable of quite a bit, trying to use every faculty simultaneously is rarely a good idea. Other people have unique contributions that I will definitely miss out on if I don't open up my hands and let go of some of the reins.

"I look beyond the boundaries of my expectations
There is so much more to life that what it seems
The past is preparation for the future
I release the reins I've held
And let you lead and learn to fly."
- Crystal Lewis, "Learn To Fly"

Truth be told, I believe God thinks I'm "cute" trying to do so much, when I know that he is behind the scenes in every detail having already shaped and pre-determined my life. So for me, control is only an illusion. If I'm grasping for control, then by this token, I'm grasping for something that's not tangible and may not even be real. So if I let it go, what am I sacrificing? Maybe nothing. And I may have everything to gain from it. (That's an American for ya... always trying to get something for nothing.)

*If you ever see Bernie Mac's stand-up comedy routines in movies like The Original Kings of Comedy, you'll quickly come to understand what a suh-muh-muh is if you don't already know.