the new workout plan

"you just popped in the kanye west get-right-for-the-summer workout tape, and ladies? if you follow these instructions exactly, you might be able to pull you a rapper? a NBA player? man! at least a dude wit a car!... 'thanks to kanye's workout plan, i'm the envy of all my friends, see, i pulled me a baller man, and i ain't gotta work at the mall again...' that's right, put in work, move yo ***, go berserk, eat'cho salad, no dessert, get that man you deserve!" - kanye west, "the new workout plan"

you know, today is the first time i heard uncensored lyrics of this song and found out that it's borderline vile and not at all about ladies working out (at least not at the gym). it looks bad following the hype about the "jesus walks" song, but i can't front. i find it entertaining. it's as guilty a pleasure as listening to anything by ludacris, and it couldn't function as a better title for today's blog. for me though the vamp would be more like "that's right, put in work, pump those arms 'til it hurts, so girls won't laugh, they won't smirk, when you take off your shirt."

see, i've had the bird chest my whole life, and i finally tired of it enough to do something about. so around the first part of last month, i started exercising. but one of my goals has been to develop a more muscular physique. that's been on the list for years and i've been saying it for even longer. i've been trying to embrace this thing for almost 7 years now, but accomplished little more than a couple unfruitful visits per free trial. all of a sudden though, i care about stuff i wasn't willing to break a sweat for before and the discipline is building incrementally.

among other things, i just turned 26, and noticed i was startin' to get a little "fluffy" around the midsection. not fat, but i know what's norm for me and what's not. you see, i don't think i would work well as a fat man. i work on computers. i play the piano. sitting is an inherent part of both my vocation and my hobby, so if i don't get some kind of activity happening, ye gods i could risk becoming what any consortium of chickenheads would deem a "hot nasty mess".

one of my co-workers gave me the greatest boost. this guy's around 45, married, with two delightfully rambunctious kids. so on one of our frequent diversions from focusing what we're paid to do, i struck up a conversation about fitness. particularly, i wanted to know how he didn't turn into one of those skinny dudes who look pregnant. i don't recall him telling me any big secret, but as it relates to me not going the way that some rotund family members have gone, he assured me in the most sincere tone: "don't worry. your vanity will keep you thin." man, i promise you, i have never been so happy to receive such backhanded encouragement in my life.

moreover, i've had this fascination with the clark sisters over the past couple months that just will not go away. i've been reading, buying, watching, and listening to anything i can get my hands on with karen, dorinda, twinkie, or jacky. the fascination mainly hinges on their vocal prowess, but it's well known that these ladies were pretty heavy back in the day. almost all of them have slimmed down now and one is even a spokeswoman for the american diabetes association, no doubt in connection with their mother's illness. in following the links, i ended up at the association's website and took a survey based on weight, height, race, and activity. and i'm not in a risky category, but i want to get even farther out of harms way. about the only thing less suiting to me than being a fat man, is being a sick one. and we don't do sick.

so, started with some 8-lb. weights my other pastor gave me, which was good, but not enough to build muscle. and there's no use trying to "tone" muscle you ain't got. so i bit the bullet and started attempting push-ups. push-ups and i have traditionally not gotten along well. the first time i tried to do 'em last month, it was pathetic. i could only do 3 and then i thought i was going to die. and you should know how i feel about pain. me no likey.

now, i'm doin' multiple reps of 15 and feelin' good about it. starting to see some definition in my arms and chest. i even have this thing goin' with one of my boys at church where whenever one of us says something stupid, we have to drop and do 10 push-ups. i tell you, as much as we'll be hangin' out this summer, i might stop looking like the exemplary girlie-man, and he might stop looking like cedric the entertainer's broke baby cousin.

still need to get a good system of doing push-ups, but i already have nice stomach muscles. those need to be toned. and i'm still doin' great on lower body because of all the cycling i used to do and all the walking i still do. i've gotten a lot of great advice from credible friends on what to eat, which exercises to do to work out what, what will get me nowhere, and how soon i can see results.

i'm not near where i need to be to fearlessly strut around the beach shirtless. still, what once seemed unattainable now is feasibly within my grasp (and not too far away at that). just knowing it and beginning to walk towards it has bolstered my self-confidence and changed my blase walk to more of a peppy lilt. did i mention it's been great for my voice too? it makes sense though. get more active, blood circulates better, breathe easier, and sing well enough to put american idol to shame. moreso.

so... now that i'm on the road to getting-right-for-the-summer (and beyond), maybe if i follow these instructions closely, i might be able to pull me a model, or one of those sun-bronzed soccer girls from hawaii with the hella-sexy legs, or at least a chick who doesn't just want me for my car. heh.