jettison cargo

part of the reason i blog is to keep some type of chronolog of my moods and the swings thereof. i think i was recently quipping to my pastor about how i don't get overloaded and freak out anymore (referring to a previous incident where i couldn't take care of some tasks that i told her i would). well it turns out, that i lied. i lied, i lied, i lied. i spazzed today... just a little. i was overcome with the desire to jettison everybody and everything that looks, tastes, sounds, or smells like responsibility.

one of my clients had been asking for some updates for quite a while and i don't know why, but i had the strongest aversion to doing work for them. honestly, i don't know what took them so long to get frustrated enough to mention said frustration to me (and i hope it's not career suicide to make this readily available on the web), but it dawned on me. the flat phrase “i don't want to do this” kept playing over and over in my mind.

so i'd like to register “job burnout”, “jettison”, “spazz”, and “freak out” as buzz words for future reference and research. i must find out why these things have happened to me cyclically. though my mind is pretty thoroughly trenched in production on this album right now, i can't take all of my problems and “blame it on the boogie”. but i will say this. for the sacrifice that is going into making this album, i fully expects it to be killer. killer i tell you.

by the way, had it been available, i would have specifically posted mariah carey's new single “shake it off” as my choice for what i'm listening to. but seeing as i am, with a classy frantic suave panic, trying to evade responsibility, i'll settle for “emancipation” as my icon this post. it's all the same, right? i still need help.

where i'm hiding

well, dangit. as of about last week sometime, they found me. after so long as a fugitive from reality, they found me. dangit. my sister found my blog. at least the "outer crust" one that i keep on myspace. well, actually i'm not telling the whole truth. i told her where it was. she asked me. and i didn't feel inhibited at the time. i didn't expect her to frequent it though. or read it. or analyze who my friends are and proceed to make judgements about them. that was so extra not part of the plan. if jen wants to put an artistically nude photo up for her profile, that's her prerogative. personally, i like it. i think it's tastefully sensual. but that's besides the point.

all i know is that now i feel less anonymous and thereby less free, which probably means that i'll return to depositing my truer and more naked thoughts here on blogspot which is about the one place that remains my own. although, i'll miss the attention of the beautiful ladies who i've established very firmly tentative acquaintanceships with, i feel like my space as been a bit encroached upon. i can't say invaded, because invaders never show up with a signed, sealed invitation in hand.

i shouldna done it. what if i wanted to wax poetic or vulnerable or sensual or just hella angry? it almost makes me want to write something deliberately offputting to purposefully send her away. but in doing that, i'd probably send everybody else away too. which then would make it quite a dry experience that even i wouldn't want to be a part of. you see, it was literally what it said it was: my space. i didn't really want to share it. i really didn't. now i gotta pack up all my ish and move. hot damn.

sharks in the water

bills seem to be swimming around now like sharks threatening to attack. what i will call “the summer phone calls” have begun, when work becomes scarce (and currently the desire to work has become scarce as well), and thus money contracts a little tighter. this is due, that is due. i'm still not worried. but finally i'm concerned. shoot. i might even do something about it before it's too late.

“it will find you at the bottom of a bottle
it will find you at the needles end
it will find you when you beg and steal and borrow
it will follow you into as stranger's bed
it will find you when they've served you with the papers
it will find you when the locks are changed again
it will find you when you've called in all your favors
it will meet you at the bridge's highest ledge
so baby don't look down, it's a long way
the sun will come around to a new day
so hold on... love will find you
hold on, he's right behind you now
just turn around... love will find you”
- nichole nordeman, “hold on”

i do believe God will take care of me though. he's done so through amazing circumstances. just when i'm thinking “where will money come from?” -- i notice that someone has actually bid on the computer that i'm selling on eBay. that's great. i'll get money in my pocket, and some space in my room! i'll admit that life was easier when i was skating through the semester on the glazed surface of student loan money. i was concerned that my happiness was solely because i had income at my disposal. i finding that that is not so. i've faced the phone calls from a few collectors, which tend to fluster, but my confidence is still in Christ. and Christ is still alive and working on my behalf.

bigger than my body

yesterday, i was in a camera supply store pricing equipment for a photo shoot i need to do soon. and i want this, and i want this, reflectors and tripods, lights and rigs, etc. nevermind the fact that i don't have the money for this stuff, nor even a place big enough to store them all... let alone use them freely. it seems like i'm always trying to buy something extra or acquire something new for a vocation. a faster computer, higher-quality recording equipment, the latest graphic design software, this camera equipment... it prompts me to ask myself a silly question “why you dream so big, mark? why you gotta do so much?” it's silly because i know the answer.

i've got all these things that i can do, and i'm trying to do them all. i've given up (for now) trying to wear every hat simultaneously, but i'm not beyond trying on two at once and eyeing a third while i'm looking in the mirror at what i've already got on. progress is something that makes me very happy and it's only natural for me to want to expand. and as my track record shows, always do.

my aunt and uncle recently purchased a home here in california and the place looks great. it looks like she hired a decorator, but in truth, she did it all herself. piece by piece, she was watching HGTV, got ideas, bought items, and stocked them away, some in their small apartment, some in storage. the point is that when they finally dropped the chips to get this stunning new house, they were ready to go. they were set. it's so clean and set up that they look like they've been living there for a year or more and just have somebody to clean the place weekly.

“someday i'll fly, someday i'll soar, someday i'll be so damn much more. 'cause i'm bigger than my body gives me credit for.” - john mayer

i want to do everything. and for some reason, i don't think that's an unreasonable request. i remember rehearsing choreography for “don't worry (gotcha)” two years ago. and i was trying to sing and dance and do both well. it wasn't going too hot. both were suffering. i was starting to look pretty frazzled. my choreographer tried to help by giving me straight talk and pointedly saying “mark, you can't do it all. you're not superman.” being rebuffed like that on something that i wanted so bad was crushing. i couldn't even make it all the way home before i pulled over into a parking lot to cry and bang my fists in rage against the steering wheel.

i conceded defeat for the moment and only executed part of the choreography in the performance. but i hold a grudge against the particular task that i wasn't able to vanquish and please believe that i will revisit and champion this before Jesus comes back. much in the same way, i have every intention to come out of this life being able to say, i'm a good singer, good writer, good photographer, good dancer, good whatever. the plan is to max out my potential in everything God's given me. and with as much as he's dropped on my plate, it means i have a lot of work to do.

good night, aunt edna

i found last week that my trailblazing journalist and historian great aunt dr. edna chappelle mckenzie passed away at the age of 81. it was just in march that i regained contact with her and spoke with her for the first time in many, many years. i had hoped to have a chance to perhaps see her in person again, but as a college student, i just didn't have the luxury of hoping a flight to the east coast to reconnect with her and others. she told me several months ago that by the grace of God, she had fully recovered from a bout with cancer. i'm sad to hear that she's gone now, but proud that i can say someone that brave, driven, and accomplished was part of my family. she's lived a lauded life and inspires me to press my own footprints deeply in the ground. so that when my life is over, people will have as many good things to say about me as they have about her. look below, and you'll find several clips of press releases on the internet about her:

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/05186/532933.stm
http://www.newpittsburghcourier.com/?article=11017
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/05179/529432.stm
http://www.pbs.org/blackpress/film/transcripts/mckenzie.html
http://professorkim.blogspot.com/2005/06/dr-edna-mckenzie-journalist-historian.html

what matter of discontent

at this moment, i feel insatiable. lately, i have been restless and intermittently irritable and impatient. towards the beginning of this week, i was so overtaken with obligations pulling me from too many different loci, that i just stopped answering my phone for two days. ironically enough, not picking up the phone resulted in more calls.. and e-mails. i just wanted everyone to go away for a moment. just a moment. i eventually whittled the workload down to a manageable size, but still feel like i'm missing something.

tonight, i just came from a place that was overrun with beautiful women. some of them were noteably intelligent, some of them virtuous, and some i would dare say had the full package of all 3. maybe i'm a really late bloomer (really late), but i think i'm taking to my newfound desire to flirt with too much abandon. either i'm just naturally coming into my own, or getting too far outside myself. either way, i'm not comfortable with it. and then to leave this place where i was lapping up attention from beautiful women like a thirsty dog laps water from a trough and feel like i still needed more, is unreal. it's surreal. it's ridiculous. how could i eat this much and still be hungry?

"i look around and i like everything i see." - rufus and chaka khan, "destiny" (1978)

God only knows why and this is my least favorite type of dissatisfaction. The unfounded type. what is this discontent? what am i missing? what don't i have enough of? what nutrient is lacking in my diet? it's like when you need to yawn, but you can seem to open your mouth wide enough or take in a breath deep enough. it's attribution theory at work. when something is not right, i want an obvious pariah that i can point to and say "you're the problem! my unhappiness is all your fault!" then, i can focus all resources on alleviating whoever or whatever the problem is.

my papa always told me "son, it's not the things you need in life that make you miserable, it's the things you want." God bless him. because sometimes i just need to put myself in check. though i have older sisters, i was the raised like an only child, and spoiled by a loving middle-class family. so i am no stranger to "i want". as a matter of fact, i am well-versed in "i want", "i desire", "give me", "let me have", "sacrifice for me", "add to mine", and "i don't have enough, i'd like some more". perhaps that's what's trying to drive me miserable.

"Hell and Destruction are never full; So the eyes of man are never satisfied." - Proverbs 27:20.

i have checked all the usual places. i had been having difficulty getting to sleep, so last time i got the opportunity, i tried to just give myself some uninterrupted time to rejuvenate. i treated myself to a good meal, because sometimes the body just lacks the needed nutrients. sometimes the body just needs a release of tension, so i made sure i got in nice regiment of pushups, situps, and jogging. i took a walk and just took time to pray and then i took time to be silent and listen for an answer. i didn't hear for a couple days, but when i was most pressed, i believe i heard what i needed to hear.

"what do you not have, that you still need?"

of course, the answer is: nothing. i have food, i have shelter, i have love, i have salvation, i have vocation, i have transportation, i have significance, i have purpose, i have potential... i have, i've got, i own, i possess, i know, i can, i do, i'm able, i'm all of it. i may not claim to be as well versed in "i have" as i may in "i want", but what am i not, that i still need to be?

"i bring myself back to reality / what was i thinking / i have everything i need / i don't want for anything at all / i'm satisfied" - crystal lewis, "satisfied" (2000)

...content.