yesterday, today, tomorrow

yesterday
was a beautiful day. it was rather cloudy outside, but it didn't matter too much because i was asleep for a good chunk of the morning. you see, i bought a new MIDI keyboard to start working on songs for my new album. i delayed opening the box for about three weeks. but friday night, i did. and once i got started learning the program, creating, tweaking, rewriting, and delighting in the ability to do this... thanking God for the grace {read: ease of movement} to express myself this way, i didn't stop until 8am the next morning.

it was great. i felt like i had finally returned to doing what i was meant to do. and now i think my endeavoring to record a 2nd album this year may not be so far fetched. i woke up around 1 or 2. didn't have to be anywhere immediately, so i just took a breather and watched some cartoons from the 4-disc volume of looney tunes that i copped used for $39.99 and have been watching nightly for the couple weeks. do you know what a delicacy it is to watch the cartoons you want to watch on saturday morning? i mean, you can't even find them on TV anymore.

it was a good hair day, even for a brother with dredlocks. i eventually took a shower, got dressed, and headed out to do some studying for a test i have going on tuesday. as soon as i rounded the corner, i saw an old friend at the bus stop and pulled over to say hi. of course i ended up giving him a ride to work and playing him the 3 portions of tracks i spent all night recording. (he's a singer too.) after i dropped him off, i decided to go to borders book store to study. i was pleasantly surprised to find that they don't have loud music blaring, so it was quite a nice atmosphere to do what i needed to do.

i was sitting at the table next to an endearing young couple were probably expecting their first child. the black guy had glasses and kinda reminded me of my friend hakim (who's currently missing in action... i don't know where he is). the girl was latina and beautiful in a plain and unobtrusive sort of way. probably about 4 or maybe 5 months pregnant, her glory was more in her rounded stomach that proudly bared her belly button whenever she stood. they had parenting and baby magazines all over the table. i don't gush and coo over that type of stuff, but these two were exceptionally cute. both probably about 30 years old. maybe the dude was older. they interacted fluidly, shared a kiss once. when i catch that kinda stuff it makes me want to be a better man to make it easier when i'm a married man. i wanted to strike up a conversation with them so they'd stay a little longer, but i decided not to disturb them. i had studying to do anyway.

didn't last long. i ran into a girl i sorta know. we always run into each other in town, and never quite remember each others' names or where we first met. so apparently we just came outta nowhere and that's all we can vouch for. she's got something attractive about her, but it's not physical. even though she obviously uses her body as her primary bait, it's her intellect that actually captured my attention. that outshined the rest. she's quick-witted and studious, but she has an innocent face. she's a worldly type of girl, well accomplished in playing hard to get. fortunately, since i'm not trying to get her, i don't mind playing the game. it is rather fun. we may hang out again. in a public place though. i don't know her.

i studied for about an hour more and then took a detour to visit my pastor while she was at a loose end. time flew and before i knew it, 11pm had rolled around. i have to say... yesterday was a good day. marked by hope and happiness, it made me look forward to what the next days may bring.

today
stands in notable contrast to yesterday. it hasn't been the most beautiful. at least not thus far. it's been more frustrating and fatiguing. i wasn't doing hard labor. but i was having a tough day at church. not many people seemed to show up today. and those who were there weren't particularly enthused. i was though. i've been interminably happy for most of the week. the day has somewhat absorbed my momentum like brakes on a bicycle tire though.

i guess i was looking for a continuation of yesterday's good vibrations. i was greeted more with the company of some overextended people and an inability to really get into a comfortable rhythm with the way events were proceeding. we coordinate colors as a group when we sing. this week they asked us to pick from a palette of burgundy, brown, and pink. i don't do pink. i don't care how pimp current trends say it is. and i don't really have anything comfortable in burgundy and brown, so what i wore made me generally uneasy. with everything. all day.

whatever, man. sometimes these things happen. "everything don't turn out like you want it to." and it doesn't mean God is not there, is not powerful, or did not move. we sang, but we sounded like we were trying really hard, i didn't feel like it paid off aurally. i was yet thankful and raised my hands in praise anyway.

the message was a motivational one called i am this church, which was essentially a timely call for everybody to get up and do something instead of wondering why things aren't going right. hence, everyone made a special effort to visit the convalescent home after church today. normally, 3-5 people go to these things once monthly. today, it was 3 or 4 times that amount. i really would have rather stayed home. the convalescent hospital is in pasadena about 45 minutes away and i didn't want to drive. so i arranged to carpool with some people i know from church.

this was particularly unpleasant because these 3 people were close friends who always hang out, always interact, and have their own bond and their own sense of humor. i was effectively cut out. (i implore you to reference my recent post on rejection to save time typing today.) it's been quite a while since i felt that excluded. it may not have had anything to do with me though. they're all graduating seniors, known for being active on campus and off, and one of them was having a visibly bad day besides.

all of that just collectively intensified the fact that they're just really bad at including people in their group. and then i have to turn and point the finger at myself. because i've heard people sometimes attribute that same trait to our church as a whole, even though it is our primary goal to be welcoming and accomodating all the time. sometimes we get so caught up having a good time with the people we know that we fail to acknowledge those outside our circle. so i chose to take this as a lesson as opposed to taking it personally, as i would have about a year or two ago.

"i will trust in you my brokenness, my fear, my sorrow / i believe it's true / you hold yesterday, today, tomorrow / show me, help me, when i cannot understand... " - crystal lewis, "yesterday today tomorrow"

so, the point is... it's only about 6pm now. and so far, today's not so hot. it's really not. but there's still some today left. and it can change completely by 7. i have the option to springboard off of this morning's string of unpleasant hours and become bitter, guarded, gunshy, discouraged, despondent, depressed, or any combination of the above. however. if i had exercised this option the hundreds (maybe even thousands) of times i've felt like this before, i would have never been primed to have the pleasure of knowing days like yesterday where i can feel like i'm flying even when i'm standing still. and yesterday was a really good day. so on the off chance that i might get to ride that type of natural high again, i think i'll roll the dice on what life might be like tomorrow.