she's just not that into you

"this heart of mine seldom lies, you see... it's often said you don't care for me no more..." - anita baker, "baby"

every time i think someone dislikes or has somehow distanced theirself from me, the opening lines of this song play in my head like a familiar television theme. what you are about to read (should you choose to proceed) is an extended diatribe on rejection. though i hate to only blog about unpleasant things, it is those very things that squawk loudest for attention. apparently, the sunshiny stuff doesn't mind being overlooked.

for some reason, toni braxton's "hit the freeway" has been playing in my head constantly. and i got an idea. i think i now know why i like those angry female kiss-off songs. something about a good "get the hell out of my house", "pack your ish and leave", "i don't wanna ever see you again", and "don't be lookin' for me at my mama's house" always elicits me to cheer along with it. i've taken several rejections recently with a grain of salt. but whenever that happens, my natural reaction is to respond in word or in deed in such a way as to say "fine. go. if you don't like me, i don't want to deal with you anyway".

"i don't wanna make you unhappy / if you're not happy then you're free to go on / 'cause i don't want you stayin' around / if i make you so miserable / if you don't want me then don't talk to me / go ahead and free yourself..." - fantasia, "free yourself"

it begins with a girl i know from church. she's beautiful and talented, very soft-spoken whenever she comes around, but she's so lofty and exclusive, it just irks the hell out of me. i mean, i'm pleasant, i'm witty, i'm good looking, i'm polite and respectful... at least every other time except for right now... so why the hell won't she just bring her behind down off that high horse and like me? say hi sometimes? stop actin' like the world's out to get you when truth be told, the greater part of the earth's population ain't checkin' for you anyhow!

so it begs the question, if the grapes are so sour, why expend so much energy jumping at the crooked branch from which they hang anyway? God i don't know. it's complicated as it wants to be, but it's so hard to just "let it go". i don't want the chick to fall madly in love with me so we can run away together. i mean, she has kids, so that's out of the question for me anyway. i just want her to like me and stop treating me like i have the plague or something. smile, exchange pleasantries, humor me for a few moments and then go on your merry very way. why is that so much to ask? yet i can't get it and i just don't understand why.

and then there's a pair of art professors i have. it is their job to prune, mold, and shape students with constructive criticism, but i've about had it with flat comments like "i don't get it" and "it's not working for me". it is at this point that i have to squint, and begin crushing your puny heads between my thumb and forefinger. we both know i am advanced and capable. so why are you dead set on dogging me in front of everybody? is it to even the playing field? to make an example of me? is it personal? do you need a can of GetRight(TM)? what's your problem? why won't you just smile and accept me and stop bein s'daggone stingy with your stamp of approval. why do i even want it so bad though? i think i know why. it's 'cause the bastards won't let me have it. there you go.

The Shortlist Pissed-Off Chick Mix CD:

1. Toni Braxton: "Hit The Freeway"
2. Kelis: "Caught Out There (I Hate You So Much Right Now)"
3. CeCe Peniston: "Keep On Walkin"
4. Erykah Badu: "Tyrone"
5. Lauryn Hill: "Lost Ones"
6. Tweet: "Motel"
7. Dionne Farris: "I Know"
8. Monica: "Knock Knock"
9. Fiona Apple: "Sleep To Dream"
10. Missy Elliot: "All N My Grill"
11. Alanis Morissette: the whole Jagged Little Pill album
    BONUS TRACK:
12. Mya: "If You Died I Wouldn't Cry Cause You Never Loved Me Anyway" (no really... that is the full and proper title of the daggone song and it's a gentle hateful ballad to boot. the nerve of some folks!)

and then there's another pretty birdy at church who i have a harmless strictly-platonic relationship with, even though said relationship was buttressed by an uneven amount of flirting (just for sport). rather abruptly, she just kind of drifted away and wouldn't have me anymore. and so here i go again, tracing back my steps wondering what i did wrong, what i said wrong or what i didn't say, or if i missed her birthday, or if just had b.o. or bad breath or something, just a gentle panic like "what!! what did i do? how come you don't want to play with me no more? i thought we were friends." yeah. with the lip poked out and everything.

also, there's my pseudo-former-flame nefertiti who never attained official status even though she functions at the capacity of a fully-decorated ex-girlfriend. we have a pretty open and honest friendship now and we were talking recently about the aftermath of our breakup. i thought we were cool, but recently she had become distant. and i'm thinking it's something i did or said, but i didn't do nuthin'! well, i guess i was too nice one day and she thought i was beginning to fall for her again, so she pulled away re-asserting that nothing is going on or will ever between us.

well, she didn't have to tell me that. i could see that even then. that's why i broke up with her hoping to salvage a friendship from the wreckage. i always kicked myself though because i thought i had unceremoniously thrown away a "keeper". so, i was elated and relieved to hear her tell me frankly that i wasn't her type, she was never sure if she really liked me, and she was pissed that i broke up with her first... and too that i came to her house and woke her up in the middle of the night to do so.

hot dawg! this is great news! but it comes as a surprise because i recall her reading to me (much to her own enjoyment and my discomfort) passages from some tell-it-like-it-is self-help book called he's just not that into you: the no-excuses truth to understanding guys. i was like whoa. if i had waited too long, i would have been the officially rejected one searching for the no-excuses truth to understanding girls.

calls to mind also that poignant tear-jerker moment on one episode of the fresh prince of bel-air where will meets up with the father who left he and his mom when he was a kid and the guy was still a flake years later. will was all primed to have his dad in his life and everything. so he was understandably crushed when his dad flaked on him for an umpteenth time, skipping town without him. and then here it comes: will goes through this whole "screw him, he was never that good of a father anyway" speech. then turns around tearily asking his uncle phil "why he don't want me, man?" augh. that's a full-on boohooer right there and that ain't right, 'cause everybody knows nick-at-nite is not supposed to make you cry. that's what those lifetime and oxygen network estrogen festivals are for.

you know, i'd really like to pepper this post with jokes and make light of it all. shoot, it'd be good for me to start believing it doesn't really matter to me, but it does. i try to be likable, don't i? i'm workin' hard enough to be liked, right? so why do people (some more significant, and some less) keep cyclically walking out of my life? God i hate when that happens. it's like those kids who think it's they're the reason their parents are divorcing. the poor baby can't quite understand it's not his fault. like "if i behave real good then everything will be OK, right? people should stay." i feel like that sometimes. so then, when they leave anyway, i'm all in shock like pop... sizzle... puff of smoke... does not compute. critical error. shutting down.

speaking of which, i think i'm "going through a divorce" with one of my best friends. we've been really tight for over 5 years now, which is amazing considering she lives 3,000 miles away and i never see her. and i mean never. i believe men and women can have purely-platonic relationships. and i think she does too. but her (ex-)boyfriend staunchly sees otherwise. they've been dating for the past 3 years, and even though it was a rocky relationship, she still loves him and doesn't really want to let him go. let us establish this once and for all. he's never met me, and doesn't know me, and doesn't want to, but that does not stop him from intrinsically disliking me.

i'm not the only one who has whinnied and clapped about him being insecure, unreasonable, etc. but still she loves him and through his influence, she's decided to preserve his feelings, honor his request, and essentially cut me off to keep him happy. now if i were more selfish -- and i'm already enough so as it is -- i would be really pissed and try to twist arms and put equal pressure on her from my side to not give in to this dude and his wacked out mindset about our friendship. but that is my friend, and i do love her. so i'm not going to fight anymore to be a part of her life if she really needs me to be out of it so she can be happy. i wish for her to be happy and if me quietly leaving will do it... then away i go.

now, i've been informally pushed aside to appease this dude before and it hurt then. but then something happened and i got my homegirl back again. and then something else happened and i was again relegated to the background. this may be the 2nd, possibly 3rd time? i really don't remember, but i don't like this. and it's reminded me why i stopped breaking-up-to-make-up with lela so many years ago. i added up the figures and came to the conclusion that the aggregate damage from periodic break-ups every 6-8 weeks was astronomically more than if i just paid one lump sum and shut her down once and for all.

"sometimes i wonder why / i go on loving you this way / when i'm not sure that you are sure / that you will stay / sometimes i wonder why / i go on hurting like i do / i guess this heart ain't very smart..." - anita baker, "sometimes i wonder why"

going with the flow i think is better this time because this way i don't have to worry about how long it's gonna be until the next inevitable, scott-free rejection from the same person. and i suppose i'm using rejection too liberally. what i really mean is separation. it's the process of separation that hurts, and it's even worse when it happens serially. once i get attached to people, be the relationships platonic or romantic, i don't want to let go.

The Shortlist Rejected Dude Mix CD:

1. Prince: "How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore"
2. Stevie Wonder: "I Never Dreamed You'd Leave In Summer"
3. Bill Withers: "Ain't No Sunshine"
4. Boyz II Men: "4 Seasons Of Loneliness"
5. John Mayer: "Come Back To Bed"
6. Ginuwine: "I'll Do Anything/I'm Sorry"
7. Brian McKnight: "Anytime"
8. Mint Condition: "Love Is For Fools"
9. Case: "Missing You"
10. Sting: "Every Breath You Take"
11. The Pharcyde: "Passin' Me By"
12. Coldplay: "Trouble"
    BONUS TRACKS:
13. and almost anything by Keith Sweat or Gerald Levert, 'cause they all the time gettin' left by some woman

i used to write the best break-up songs... every time i lost a job. (lol) they were full of references like "you're gonna miss me" and "i didn't want your love anyway". by the same token, the flipside of those angry chick ranting anthems is the whiny, sad male "why oh why did she leave me" songs. these are best rendered by someone with a voice like babyface or that lead singer of 112 with the sneery voice. it communicates the full breath of pathetic rebuff like no barry white, anthony hamilton or cee-lo can. now, there was a time when i used to live, breathe, and wallow in the dramatic nadirs of such depressing songs, but i've realized that depression is not for me. as much as i dug mariah carey's butterfly album, that whole weepy opus is pretty much off-limits for me now.

i may have mentioned it before, but i've noticed that some of the people i consider my friends (even some of the closest), have a tendency to cycle in and out of my life naturally such that about every 2 years, i've got a new ace boon coon. i don't mean it to be that way, but folks, it's hard to keep friends when you live in l.a. there's too much goin' on and sometimes the tide carries them out farther than you can hold on. so i know that even though i might spend an hour or two whimpering and not wagging my tail like a sad puppy whose owner is taking way too long to come back home, i never stay that way. sometimes i take deeper dips than i (or those around me) would prefer, but misery just is not my color. i will find some way to be happy. even if i have to write a blog of record length and emotional amplitude.