next

if i can get financial aid to cooperate, i would like to take a summer school course. all stress and madness aside, i had a great time. i feel like those mothers who are disposed to forget the nearly unbearable pain they had to endure only hours earlier because they're looking at the beautiful product of their labor and suddenly all is forgiven.

as much stress as i went through this week, i can't believe... i want to do it again. i want to wait in line to ride the tall, fast, scary ride one more time. really, i started celebrating thursday. there was an impossible 10-page research paper i had to turn in on western vs. eastern interpretations of 19th-century Japanese art. though i had done research ahead of time, assembling it all into some cogent form was as daunting a task as any... even for me. and i consider myself got writer.

aside from japanese history, the last two weeks have been all about mute math. mute math, mute math, mute math. no, not an esoteric form of algebra, the band that has fast become the musical equivalent of a "patron saint" for me. my pièce de résistance culminating this crazy week was a reworking of the cd packaging for their reset EP, released september 2004. even though trying to tighten up that research paper at the last minute made me nearly one hour late to present the piece in front of my peers, i still got an A on it. that made me happy. the timing couldn't have been better because they'll be coming to perform in los angeles at the viper rroom this wednesday and i will so be there. posted. as close to the front as i can possibly get. (as a matter of fact, i just came from scoping out the sunset strip in advance and canvassing it with mute math posters).

in other news, my graphic design course is highly unlikely not to garner me an ace. the lowest grade i got on any of the 3 projects was an A-. the website i presented in my web design class -- which will eventually go online -- i expect to get very high marks from. because i put my foot into that one, even though it didn't fully fit in (i expected to do more with concept than time allowed).

the sad story seems like it will be the two upper-division history courses that were set one day apart from each other all semester long. i studied like mad for the japanese art history final (which i did fairly well in all year long), but i feel like i made a terrible showing on the test. i considered my italian & spanish 16th-century art & architecture course (which floundered consistently from the first class session to the very last) a lost cause and didn't even look to it too much more than to go over some flash cards moments before the test. that one, i feel like i did surprisingly well in because i was tested mainly on things i knew.

still, i'm glad to be done with it all. i will miss the great friends i've made (hopefully they won't disappear off of the face of the earth as if we'd never met), and even the teachers who were nemeses to me for the whole semester. yesterday i came straight from my class into the cool of my room and danced with myself until i feel better. anytime i come to a denouement in a spring school semester, i tend to want to reach for the same playlist. songs that came out around the summer of 1990 when i was saying goodbye to elementary school friends like Troop's "Spread My Wings" or Janet Jackson's "Love Will Never Do (Without You)" or kitchiest of all, this uber-90's house mix of Paula Abdul's "Forever Your Girl" from her Shut Up And Dance album. Yeah, I'll have to tell my kids about the Paula Abdul/Janet Jackson/MC Hammer fascination one day and have them giggle and laugh at me.

i am free

ok, i'm happy right now, and i wanted to blog while i'm happy just so that there is some official evidence of it on the record. not just so that you who are paying attention to me will dismiss your thoughts of me as one eternally malcontent. but just so i can take this feeling i have now, and bottle it like a fragrace, so that one day when things aren't going to well, i can uncap the record of this happiness and fill my nostrils with it until things feel better. for yesterday, i finished my last final in the last class of the semester, and now?

i am free.

"i'm takin' my freedom / pullin' it off the shelf / puttin' it on my chain / wearin' it 'round my neck / i'm takin' my freedom / puttin' it in my car / wherever i choose to go / it will take me far / i'm livin' my life / like it's golden" - jill scott, "golden"

it's true. i did have to take my freedom, fold it up, and put it away on a shelf somewhere. i never surrendered my life entirely to school because i admittedly didn't want to lose my mind for education's sake. but i can say without hyperbole though that school held did hold said life 55% engulfed in its gaping jaws for 4 months straight. to finally be released for an extended break feels indescribable. the only thing i could really do to express my life was dance. all by myself, in my room, featuring me... as the DJ. bouncing happily from nicole c. mullen's "without you"... to joyce sims' "looking for a love" (a 1989 freestyle classic that always reminds me of those carefree summers as a child)... to loose ends' "don't be a fool"... to coming home specifically to buy a download of jill scott's "golden". it just felt appropriate. a song lauding the beauty of owning the freedom in your life. it was perfect for the occasion and my favorite time of day when the sun turns golden and sprays orangy brilliant light sideways along everything as it sets.

maybe that's why i don't blog when i'm happy. for all the words and turns of phrases that i've collected so that i can adequately express myself, nothing in my arsenal comes close to doing the job. searching for those words sometimes is like staring blankly at your closet trying to decide what to wear on a day when you want the entire world to know how in love you are... or how angry you are... or how sharp and formidable... or sexy... or vulnerable. you would have to see me smiling. hear the elevated tone in my voice. know me on a regular day in order to tell the difference in the rhythm of the way i walk when some kind of joy makes me light on my feet.

if i could try and describe it. it's akin to being like a young child in a field that stretches out as far and wide as the eye can see, and then taking the energy and the drive inside you that has been repressed and restrained for so long... and unleashing it to be wild and colorful and untamed, as it's supposed to be. to run as far and as fast and as long as you want... just for the sheer delight of running.

i did that tonight. i loaded into my arms a stack of old books up to my chin and carried them like a funeral procession to bury them back at the library from whence they came. and having received closure, i threw all structure and restraint out of the window and wandered. at midnight. when not a soul is around. and i can feel like the city is a place that only i own to be treated as my own personal amusement park. enjoying the coolness of the night air, taking delight in the symmetrical formations of amber street lights that decorated my way, appreciating the grayish peach color of reflected light from the city on a marine layer of clouds.

i could have gone straight home, but i stayed to listen to the sound of rushing water coming from an illuminated fountain nearby. i just stopped and sat and let my mind be entertained by something as simple as the shadows that the coruscating water projected against the concrete. i had to be hedonist just for a moment and relish the rich flavor of what peace of mind tastes like when you haven't had it for awhile. it suffuses all of me slowly with well-being and gratitude and i am thankful to God. not only for times that are kind to me, but also for the security of knowing that when times not so kind? God guarantees that they will be impermanent.

"He is my light and my salvation
whom have I to fear
in His secret place I'll hide
and pray that I might hear
a simple word

and when my enemies draw near
I pray that they will find
that I'm protected and secure
all tempests he will bind
with a mighty word

oh how I would have dispaired
if you had not come found me there
I can lean against your throne and find my peace
find my peace."
- jennifer knapp, "peace"

to come full circle, i do recall not too long ago being a little overcome lamenting the loss of loved ones and fun times that once brought me joy, but had since become inaccesible to me. however, i was holding to the unfounded belief that a new joy was somewhere in store for me. i was not willing to accept that what i had experienced up to that point was all that there was and that happiness of that level was consummately done, never to return to me. i didn't feel the fruition of it at the time. as a matter of fact, i'm pretty sure i just felt crappy, but i believed it would come around again. so as it is upon me right now, let the record also show... that i was right.

abandon

"close your eyes
and rest your tired body next to mine
nobody knows more than you
these hard times that we're living through
but baby we'll go on and on
lord knows we've got each other
so kiss me hard and long
hard times
we can get over"
- queen latifah, "hard times" (1995)

i would like the record to show that in the weeks that have passed without many words from me, life has been good. better than good. richly and unbelievably blessed. this further underscores the unfortunate trend that when my life is ethereally full of joy, blissfully peaceful, and i am consummately glad to be alive, i get so wrapped up in enjoying to the fullest what's going on, that i do not write to try to capture some record of said feeling for any future reference. furthermore, i've established something of a nice "level" of writing here that i'm comfortable with. so, frivolous emotional blurps of day to day things that no one cares about... i actually blog on my myspace page now. why? because the subject "things that no one cares about" seems appropriately placed on myspace. i feel no pressure to be witty. and really, there's no pressure here either, but it's a function of my own desire to put effort and thought into this since i know people actually are listening.

that said, so i'm back tonight because i'm not happy. i don't think i mentioned in my absence that i met amel larrieux (yet again), that i've had a great time with friends at school, and church family, i've been working out and really feel good about the way i look (even though no one else could possibly notice yet), not only am i "lovin' what i see", but i'm lovin' how i sound too... my voice is demonstrating a maturity that's impressing me lately... i'm creative and swirling with new melodies i can't wait to record, i'm looking at children and thinking ahead to the future, receiving the coolest unprompted compliments from nowhere, and hard times aside, i'm not too burnt out to want to squeeze in at least one summer school class...

but something happened. and now i'm not happy. i conveniently forgot most of the above. i'm rather consumed with these finals and all the trappings that come with. i've concentrated my time, thought, effort, and concern in to 5 big events in 5 classes, and tonight was the first time i didn't think my investment paid off. i think i tanked a final. i studied today, i studied yesterday, i studied the two days before, and i studied before that, but i don't think it wasn't enough. what i'm hearing is "my best isn't good enough." i don't like hearing that. it's so on the list of the Top 10 Things I Never Want Anybody To Say To Me. worst of all, i think it's me screaming it the loudest. i don't feel accomplished, i instead feel slighted. cheated. unresolved. left hanging in the limbo of an anticlimactic t.v. season finale, and then devastated to find that the show won't be coming back in the fall to give me closure.

i have yet to assess how much of this purported failure is my fault because (1) it's still only in the purported stage, and (2) i really don't wanna know because there a chance that it could be more than 50%. nonetheless, if i spend any longer lamenting the loss, it's going to begin taking a toll on the remaining class that i still must perform in.

truly, what i really wanted to put my effort towards for a moment tonight was contemplating abandon. "just jump in a taxi cab, pack my bags, and get away... fast." imagining any plethora of other drugs i could use to numb this dull ache. food? done that already and it wears off too quickly. alcohol? not my speed at all. sex? seems like would be a nice diversion, but is wishful thinking in an imagined state and dangerous in most any other state.

"what i really need is an anesthetic
something for my wounds, scars, heartaches, and headaches
i'm sorry for the way that i sound
i really didn't mean to bring you down
i just want the pain to go away..."
- mark chappelle, "anesthetic"

i know it's narcissistic to an almost abject degree to quote my own song lyrics, but for the purpose of expressing my own discontent, i could think of no better reference. i feel obligated however to also expose the upshot of the song because "down" is almost never the end of any of my endeavors...

"Lord you have become my anesthetic
when i take my cares to you then i can forget it
'cause you said you're never too far
from those of crushed spirit and broken heart
troubles may come great and come small
you deliver the righteous from them all

"though it's been rainin' pretty hard
i know you can make the clouds to part
so dark at night I can't see the stars
i'm told it's always darkest before the dawn
i go on though i feel i can't go on
'cause i know these tight times can't last too long

and since the day before last
you know what, i was feelin' mighty bad
then all of a sudden you came...

and now the pain's gone away."

I will do my best to practice what I preach. Good night.

the new workout plan

"you just popped in the kanye west get-right-for-the-summer workout tape, and ladies? if you follow these instructions exactly, you might be able to pull you a rapper? a NBA player? man! at least a dude wit a car!... 'thanks to kanye's workout plan, i'm the envy of all my friends, see, i pulled me a baller man, and i ain't gotta work at the mall again...' that's right, put in work, move yo ***, go berserk, eat'cho salad, no dessert, get that man you deserve!" - kanye west, "the new workout plan"

you know, today is the first time i heard uncensored lyrics of this song and found out that it's borderline vile and not at all about ladies working out (at least not at the gym). it looks bad following the hype about the "jesus walks" song, but i can't front. i find it entertaining. it's as guilty a pleasure as listening to anything by ludacris, and it couldn't function as a better title for today's blog. for me though the vamp would be more like "that's right, put in work, pump those arms 'til it hurts, so girls won't laugh, they won't smirk, when you take off your shirt."

see, i've had the bird chest my whole life, and i finally tired of it enough to do something about. so around the first part of last month, i started exercising. but one of my goals has been to develop a more muscular physique. that's been on the list for years and i've been saying it for even longer. i've been trying to embrace this thing for almost 7 years now, but accomplished little more than a couple unfruitful visits per free trial. all of a sudden though, i care about stuff i wasn't willing to break a sweat for before and the discipline is building incrementally.

among other things, i just turned 26, and noticed i was startin' to get a little "fluffy" around the midsection. not fat, but i know what's norm for me and what's not. you see, i don't think i would work well as a fat man. i work on computers. i play the piano. sitting is an inherent part of both my vocation and my hobby, so if i don't get some kind of activity happening, ye gods i could risk becoming what any consortium of chickenheads would deem a "hot nasty mess".

one of my co-workers gave me the greatest boost. this guy's around 45, married, with two delightfully rambunctious kids. so on one of our frequent diversions from focusing what we're paid to do, i struck up a conversation about fitness. particularly, i wanted to know how he didn't turn into one of those skinny dudes who look pregnant. i don't recall him telling me any big secret, but as it relates to me not going the way that some rotund family members have gone, he assured me in the most sincere tone: "don't worry. your vanity will keep you thin." man, i promise you, i have never been so happy to receive such backhanded encouragement in my life.

moreover, i've had this fascination with the clark sisters over the past couple months that just will not go away. i've been reading, buying, watching, and listening to anything i can get my hands on with karen, dorinda, twinkie, or jacky. the fascination mainly hinges on their vocal prowess, but it's well known that these ladies were pretty heavy back in the day. almost all of them have slimmed down now and one is even a spokeswoman for the american diabetes association, no doubt in connection with their mother's illness. in following the links, i ended up at the association's website and took a survey based on weight, height, race, and activity. and i'm not in a risky category, but i want to get even farther out of harms way. about the only thing less suiting to me than being a fat man, is being a sick one. and we don't do sick.

so, started with some 8-lb. weights my other pastor gave me, which was good, but not enough to build muscle. and there's no use trying to "tone" muscle you ain't got. so i bit the bullet and started attempting push-ups. push-ups and i have traditionally not gotten along well. the first time i tried to do 'em last month, it was pathetic. i could only do 3 and then i thought i was going to die. and you should know how i feel about pain. me no likey.

now, i'm doin' multiple reps of 15 and feelin' good about it. starting to see some definition in my arms and chest. i even have this thing goin' with one of my boys at church where whenever one of us says something stupid, we have to drop and do 10 push-ups. i tell you, as much as we'll be hangin' out this summer, i might stop looking like the exemplary girlie-man, and he might stop looking like cedric the entertainer's broke baby cousin.

still need to get a good system of doing push-ups, but i already have nice stomach muscles. those need to be toned. and i'm still doin' great on lower body because of all the cycling i used to do and all the walking i still do. i've gotten a lot of great advice from credible friends on what to eat, which exercises to do to work out what, what will get me nowhere, and how soon i can see results.

i'm not near where i need to be to fearlessly strut around the beach shirtless. still, what once seemed unattainable now is feasibly within my grasp (and not too far away at that). just knowing it and beginning to walk towards it has bolstered my self-confidence and changed my blase walk to more of a peppy lilt. did i mention it's been great for my voice too? it makes sense though. get more active, blood circulates better, breathe easier, and sing well enough to put american idol to shame. moreso.

so... now that i'm on the road to getting-right-for-the-summer (and beyond), maybe if i follow these instructions closely, i might be able to pull me a model, or one of those sun-bronzed soccer girls from hawaii with the hella-sexy legs, or at least a chick who doesn't just want me for my car. heh.

completely in command

"How can I be sure
When your intrusion is my illusion
How can I be sure
When all the time you changed my mind
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure
When you don't give me love
You gave me pale shelter
You don't give me love
You give me cold hands
And I can't operate on this failure
When all I want to be is
Completely in command"
- Tears for Fears, "Pale Shelter"

Can I be honest? I have never understood what the meaning of the lyrics of this song were. I don't understand the meaning in the lyrics of most songs by Tears For Fears. But I sure can identify when this guy sings in his eighties whinywail: "all I wanna be is completely in command." As if that's not too much to ask. As if that's a smart thing to ask. And yet I still identify. Like I have to have my hands on everything. I have to write my own story. Produce my own songs. Design my own websites. Drive my own car when I'm goin' somewhere I've never been before or staying for an indefinite amount of time.

People, I have a problem. I desire to be God. I'm not talking about being like God. Trying to be like God is a good thing. Very good. Trying to be God is bad. Probably very bad. If one were to succeed, it would be horrible. If I had to take over God's job fully. I couldn't deal. I'd just start blowin' up stuff until we got back to the drawing board. I'd be on some ol' Genesis stuff back to when "the earth was without being form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. So needless to say, if there is an election, you would do well not to vote for me as God because I don't know what I'm doin'. I don't want his job. It's too hard, doesn't seem to pay enough, and ya'll puny humans are some ungrateful suh-muh-muhs* most times.

However, as his hand is steadily working me through the annals of my life and times, I get to rough spots and I want to move his hand and rewrite the plan for just that section. I get to a rounded corner and I want a right angle there instead. I get bored with his straight lines and on a lark, I want an arc. Pointless stuff with little or no consideration to the future or the big picture. It's the same problem I've faced before and I know I'm not the only one: I love God, but sometimes I really don't trust him. Not that I don't want to (I can also get convoluted and say "not that I don't want to want to..."), but my actions say something different.

"Sometimes I sit wondering
I wonder what the future brings
I wonder what tomorrow means
I've thoughts of fear, they frighten me
'Bout days ahead that I can't see
I wanna know with certainty
So I'm faced with a choice
A fork in the road
I can raise my voice in protest
Or surrender and let go"
- Crystal Lewis, "Learn To Fly"

The catch-22 is this. If I spend all my time trying to control everything, I'll eventually get so overloaded that I can't do anything. But if I can instead begin to slowly open my hands and release things that I've gripped so tightly to, then my dexterity will be free to be used in some other expedient pursuits such as seeing how many songs I can record in one summer. Man, I can hardly wait 'til this semester is over.... ;-)

A perfect example, for instance. This new album I've got in gestation. I'd like to have some of the extremely talented people I know contribute. Do a duet. Have someone else do some of the background vocals. Let someone else produce a track or two. Bring in some guest musicians. Maybe even let someone else write for me. Last time I recorded, I pretty much wrote everything, played everything, sung everything, did everything. I generally feel more secure when I have a say in things that affect me.

However, like a friend of mine once said about a certain big-voiced hypersexual Latina songstress with a penchant for oversinging, "just because something can be done doesn't mean it's to be done." I've become aware that though I am thankfully capable of quite a bit, trying to use every faculty simultaneously is rarely a good idea. Other people have unique contributions that I will definitely miss out on if I don't open up my hands and let go of some of the reins.

"I look beyond the boundaries of my expectations
There is so much more to life that what it seems
The past is preparation for the future
I release the reins I've held
And let you lead and learn to fly."
- Crystal Lewis, "Learn To Fly"

Truth be told, I believe God thinks I'm "cute" trying to do so much, when I know that he is behind the scenes in every detail having already shaped and pre-determined my life. So for me, control is only an illusion. If I'm grasping for control, then by this token, I'm grasping for something that's not tangible and may not even be real. So if I let it go, what am I sacrificing? Maybe nothing. And I may have everything to gain from it. (That's an American for ya... always trying to get something for nothing.)

*If you ever see Bernie Mac's stand-up comedy routines in movies like The Original Kings of Comedy, you'll quickly come to understand what a suh-muh-muh is if you don't already know.

yesterday, today, tomorrow

yesterday
was a beautiful day. it was rather cloudy outside, but it didn't matter too much because i was asleep for a good chunk of the morning. you see, i bought a new MIDI keyboard to start working on songs for my new album. i delayed opening the box for about three weeks. but friday night, i did. and once i got started learning the program, creating, tweaking, rewriting, and delighting in the ability to do this... thanking God for the grace {read: ease of movement} to express myself this way, i didn't stop until 8am the next morning.

it was great. i felt like i had finally returned to doing what i was meant to do. and now i think my endeavoring to record a 2nd album this year may not be so far fetched. i woke up around 1 or 2. didn't have to be anywhere immediately, so i just took a breather and watched some cartoons from the 4-disc volume of looney tunes that i copped used for $39.99 and have been watching nightly for the couple weeks. do you know what a delicacy it is to watch the cartoons you want to watch on saturday morning? i mean, you can't even find them on TV anymore.

it was a good hair day, even for a brother with dredlocks. i eventually took a shower, got dressed, and headed out to do some studying for a test i have going on tuesday. as soon as i rounded the corner, i saw an old friend at the bus stop and pulled over to say hi. of course i ended up giving him a ride to work and playing him the 3 portions of tracks i spent all night recording. (he's a singer too.) after i dropped him off, i decided to go to borders book store to study. i was pleasantly surprised to find that they don't have loud music blaring, so it was quite a nice atmosphere to do what i needed to do.

i was sitting at the table next to an endearing young couple were probably expecting their first child. the black guy had glasses and kinda reminded me of my friend hakim (who's currently missing in action... i don't know where he is). the girl was latina and beautiful in a plain and unobtrusive sort of way. probably about 4 or maybe 5 months pregnant, her glory was more in her rounded stomach that proudly bared her belly button whenever she stood. they had parenting and baby magazines all over the table. i don't gush and coo over that type of stuff, but these two were exceptionally cute. both probably about 30 years old. maybe the dude was older. they interacted fluidly, shared a kiss once. when i catch that kinda stuff it makes me want to be a better man to make it easier when i'm a married man. i wanted to strike up a conversation with them so they'd stay a little longer, but i decided not to disturb them. i had studying to do anyway.

didn't last long. i ran into a girl i sorta know. we always run into each other in town, and never quite remember each others' names or where we first met. so apparently we just came outta nowhere and that's all we can vouch for. she's got something attractive about her, but it's not physical. even though she obviously uses her body as her primary bait, it's her intellect that actually captured my attention. that outshined the rest. she's quick-witted and studious, but she has an innocent face. she's a worldly type of girl, well accomplished in playing hard to get. fortunately, since i'm not trying to get her, i don't mind playing the game. it is rather fun. we may hang out again. in a public place though. i don't know her.

i studied for about an hour more and then took a detour to visit my pastor while she was at a loose end. time flew and before i knew it, 11pm had rolled around. i have to say... yesterday was a good day. marked by hope and happiness, it made me look forward to what the next days may bring.

today
stands in notable contrast to yesterday. it hasn't been the most beautiful. at least not thus far. it's been more frustrating and fatiguing. i wasn't doing hard labor. but i was having a tough day at church. not many people seemed to show up today. and those who were there weren't particularly enthused. i was though. i've been interminably happy for most of the week. the day has somewhat absorbed my momentum like brakes on a bicycle tire though.

i guess i was looking for a continuation of yesterday's good vibrations. i was greeted more with the company of some overextended people and an inability to really get into a comfortable rhythm with the way events were proceeding. we coordinate colors as a group when we sing. this week they asked us to pick from a palette of burgundy, brown, and pink. i don't do pink. i don't care how pimp current trends say it is. and i don't really have anything comfortable in burgundy and brown, so what i wore made me generally uneasy. with everything. all day.

whatever, man. sometimes these things happen. "everything don't turn out like you want it to." and it doesn't mean God is not there, is not powerful, or did not move. we sang, but we sounded like we were trying really hard, i didn't feel like it paid off aurally. i was yet thankful and raised my hands in praise anyway.

the message was a motivational one called i am this church, which was essentially a timely call for everybody to get up and do something instead of wondering why things aren't going right. hence, everyone made a special effort to visit the convalescent home after church today. normally, 3-5 people go to these things once monthly. today, it was 3 or 4 times that amount. i really would have rather stayed home. the convalescent hospital is in pasadena about 45 minutes away and i didn't want to drive. so i arranged to carpool with some people i know from church.

this was particularly unpleasant because these 3 people were close friends who always hang out, always interact, and have their own bond and their own sense of humor. i was effectively cut out. (i implore you to reference my recent post on rejection to save time typing today.) it's been quite a while since i felt that excluded. it may not have had anything to do with me though. they're all graduating seniors, known for being active on campus and off, and one of them was having a visibly bad day besides.

all of that just collectively intensified the fact that they're just really bad at including people in their group. and then i have to turn and point the finger at myself. because i've heard people sometimes attribute that same trait to our church as a whole, even though it is our primary goal to be welcoming and accomodating all the time. sometimes we get so caught up having a good time with the people we know that we fail to acknowledge those outside our circle. so i chose to take this as a lesson as opposed to taking it personally, as i would have about a year or two ago.

"i will trust in you my brokenness, my fear, my sorrow / i believe it's true / you hold yesterday, today, tomorrow / show me, help me, when i cannot understand... " - crystal lewis, "yesterday today tomorrow"

so, the point is... it's only about 6pm now. and so far, today's not so hot. it's really not. but there's still some today left. and it can change completely by 7. i have the option to springboard off of this morning's string of unpleasant hours and become bitter, guarded, gunshy, discouraged, despondent, depressed, or any combination of the above. however. if i had exercised this option the hundreds (maybe even thousands) of times i've felt like this before, i would have never been primed to have the pleasure of knowing days like yesterday where i can feel like i'm flying even when i'm standing still. and yesterday was a really good day. so on the off chance that i might get to ride that type of natural high again, i think i'll roll the dice on what life might be like tomorrow.