smile

i spent most of yesterday playing in the traffic of a 4-lane highway made of begrudged pleasantry, quiet hostility, hope against despondence, and reluctant grief. i was unhappy that i was unhappy. upset that i was affected as much as i was. i didn't want to care. i don't like being tragic and dramatic. i don't want to make splashes in the water and attract attention to myself... not like this. i just want to be ok.

me and jerome were really cool as kids, but come to be grown men and we never saw each other, hung out, or had much in common but a last name. so i'm thinkin' to myself... "look. you got 15 upper division college units, a part time job, a home business, obligations at church, and dreams to chase. can you do this whole mourning thing later maybe? this is just-- this just isn't a good time." the upshot of this whole thing is that in crying so daggone much yesterday, my face got hella puffy and smoothed out those lines under my eyes that i always airbrush off of all my photos.

in the midst of it all, we opened up our music rehearsal in prayer with prayer being the focus. i didn't want to pray. i just wanted to sulk and glower at people. i'd been testy and sensitive all day. still, i just put my rank mood aside and prayed in the spirit, 'cause there was nothing else to do and at least this way i could be productive and at the same time be loud and aggressive (which pleased me heartily). at one point we were admonished to pray for one another, so my "big brother" kenny locked arms with me and we're both praying in the spirit. it would have been nice if i could have provided some reciprocal support, but i was tapped out and weak. he must have sensed that because he just hugged me and laid his head on my shoulder and continued praying while i just kinda came apart for a minute.

i have a varried array of confidants for each arena of concern in my life. kenny happened to be well versed on my workload since he refers me some of my highest profile clients as of late. so he probably assumed that with the pressure of school and work and whatever else was on top of me, i was beginning to crack under the pressure. while he was praying he was encouraging me to use the many gifts God has given me and press past myself to praise God anyway. all i could say was "ok" over and over again, but even that wasn't fitting well between my snivelling. i had to mute my sobs for dignity's sake 'cause when i cry, i cry loud. really loud. i would dare say it's the only time my otherwise lithe and soft voice carries and projects. i wish i could sing with that much power, but i digress.

i told the group there about the death in my family and they prayed for peace over everyone and that God be glorified even in tragedy. later on, pastor charles (better known to me as superchuck) playfully started singing the song to me that i sing to people whenever they look like they're really sad or just having a difficult time:

"smile though your heart is aching / smile even though it's breaking / when there are clouds in the sky / you'll get by / if you smile / through your fear and sorrow / smile and maybe tomorrow / you'll find / that life is still worthwhile / if you just... / light up your face with gladness / hide every trace of sadness / although a tear / may be ever so near / that's the time you must keep on trying / smile / what's the use of crying? / you'll find that life is still worthwhile / if you just smile" - charlie chaplin

it was funny and we all had a laugh, but it was timely. with kenny quoting pastor andrea's mantra to me "it's not about you" and my other friend goading me to sing some song when all i wanted to do was eat, crawl into bed, and sleep until "this too" passes, it was pretty apparent. those were the hands God was reaching out to me to keep me from sinking into some quicksand like depression. i didn't want to start crying, 'cause i was afraid i wouldn't stop like a fire started that gets out of control and starts engulfing things you don't want burned. holding it in was probably complicating my melancholy affect like when you have a cold and don't want to blow your nose. i feel like i'm ok though. to all of you who offered your condolences... thank you. i don't understand everything going on and that bothers me, but life is still worthwhile, so... <:)