don't it always seem to go...

couldn't sleep. internal clock's kinda off. not hungry. it's just as well. i think i'm supposed to be fasting. life is currently constant. drama is at a minimum. emotions are under control. productivity is increasing. so is cash flow. i spoke to someone at my church who holds major sway in the financial aid department of a college i need to get (back) into. she expressed in no uncertain terms that she could definitely help me get it crackin' again. starting with an offer to waive the application fee that i was not looking forward to paying (again). God knows how bad i wanna get back into college. i'm not a big reader, but i function at my best when i have intellectual stimulation around me. it's tantamount to the endorphine rush that athletes supposedly get when working out. i must say it's supposed because i have never experienced such a rush from any strenuous physical activity (reference in previous blogs my proclivity for quitting things).

but i wanna do this again. again, i'm not fond of reading. but this is my element. when many things are not going right, i can always reign things in, get really cerebral, build up my ego and then try to branch outside my comfort zone again. i pass the campus nearly every day on my way to someplace else non-academic. seeing the lines of cars there makes me long for the days of hustling to find a parking space. watching students cross the street heading towards the campus makes me slightly envious that it's not me with a sack full of papers and books hurriedly hoofin' it across a busy street lest i end up late to the class of some professor who takes a quiet personal pleasure in making students ask how high he'd like them to jump. not that i actually like those type of professors.

"late last night, i heard the screen door slam / and a big yellow taxi took away my old man / it's like don't it always seem to go / that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone / they paved paradise / and put up a parking lot" - joni mitchell, "big yellow taxi"

but i miss that world that made me feel elitist and fulfilled when i stretched out my "muscles" to clear whatever bar i set my sights towards. when parents were paying for my tuition, i wasn't nearly as motivated to attend. not that i really regret any of the 7 years and counting that my college "phase" has stretched, because i've enjoyed this time of my life immensely. also, i'm not eager to bustle and mill my way into a throng of faceless, automaton 9-to-5 employees who trade sizeable chunks of their time for size-challenged paychecks.

yet, i do want to proceed. i want to move. i want to gain some ground. i want to "claim this bit of dust in the name of Mars" (esoteric looney tunes reference). speaking of which, while the entire endeavor is wholly adult, i have ironically enjoyed something of a secondary childhood concurrently with this experience. there's a way that college students are treated. people tend to look fondly upon those in route to bettering their socio-economic status. such is treatment that i haven't seem in supreme earthly form since my grandfather passed. speaking of which, he's again a formidable reason to continue pursuing this. as a man with high respect for education, but severely limited ability to pursue it, his wish for me was always to get an education and "have command of the english language". i think my english accomplishments are doing alright for now. if i could just get underway with snagging this degree, then i think i'd be alright.

did i forget to mention that i don't really care about the degree? that's actually one of the lesser draws towards my college education. since i'm well on my way to building a successful web business minus significant help from my accredited education, i don't necessarily see the degree as a means of getting where i wanna be. honestly, right now, i am where i wanna be. everything's not perfect, but things are good and i'm happier more often than i am not. what drives me is conquest. i must conquer college. if i were to drop out, that would mean that it beat me. and that's just not happening. my mother applauds my tenacity. she may be chagrinned to find that said tenacity is partially an outcropping of the stubbornness and rebellion that she failed to quash in me as a child. i shouldn't be so proud of that. forgive me God and forgive me all. ;-)

anyway, as it stands, the semester starts today. i am neither enrolled nor registered in a single class. if the contact at the college can't bring christmas to me early by helping me get into college this semester, plan b is to take a couple courses at the local community college that will count towards my major. none too pleased with that option seeing as that campus is more like an underfunded public high school and has yet to hold a candle to my previous university experience as it relates to inspiring those cerebral rushes. and i guess it's hard to feel elite at a college where classes are $18 per unit. i'll get over it. as i always knew when i originally let burnout push my college career to the back burner that i would appreciate it when it wasn't available later. later is now, and i can't wait to get started.

it's 4am. if there is any clever and intelligently artful way to closeout this wordy discourse, i am not interested in staying up until 5am to find it. therefore, goodbye and good night.