"dude. you are so not listening."

i'm almost loathe to present my point of view because i'm anticipating being shot down... but it seems that my family is ignoring me like a "raven-haired younger sister". my church family, that is. and they really are family. i love them dearly, but sometimes i want to take a couple of 'em by the collar and clack their heads together like coconuts. i was the first keyboardist to show up on our team, however as musician after musician more talented than i continues to show up, i'm increasingly less needed/appreciated/regarded. there's a new bandleader and he and i don't seem to see eye to eye often despite our attempts to show love and not rub each other the wrong way. it seems that at his core, he just wants me to do what he says the way he says it and not give him static. i can do that. but i can't sustain it forever.

so i'm alternately singing with the ensemble since the abundance of musicians "frees me up" to do what i really love to do, which is sing. problem is, more talented vocalists keep funneling in as well. a particular one of the praise & worship leaders is a high-voiced tenor who can often squeak out soprano parts in his sharpened falsetto voice. very nice guy, everybody loves him, but... but i am thoroughly disenchanted with his style of leadership. he has this penchant for lofty, wordy gospel songs that are driven by 30-40 voice professional choirs, have complex musical arrangements, and melodic intricacies that i can't really appreciate. though i grew up in church, i was never by any means a "church boy". phenomenons such as "shouting music" and all the other trappings that came with being a member of a "black" church were lost on me.

perhaps if he were better at adapting these songs to the optimum abilities of our 8-9 person ensemble, i wouldn't take issue, but his arrangements of these songs have everyone shouting at the top of their lungs. some can do it, but it's not good for those of us who don't have octaves upon octaves of vocal range to play in. if i'm not in tip-top condition when it's time to do this, my voice cracks. also, he often requires specific sounds, tones, and dynamics to emote in certain songs. i can do those, right? but not when forced into this compromised corner of my ability.

this director has a certain style that when separating parts tends to lean its weight towards treble-intensive high soprano parts. i'm actually a baritone with tenor range. i've made it known several times recently that the parts i'm assigned are too high for me. he just assigns me the tenor part and says sing falsetto and do the best you can (note: from lowest to highest it goes... baritone, tenor, alto, soprano).

if everyone was singing falsetto, i wouldn't have a problem. but i'm whispering out these parts in the least strong part of my voice while flanked on both sides by stout black men who can belt out their parts easily. it's discouraging. i feel uncomfortable being forced to sing a part that doesn't fit... incompetent because i'm the only one who can't hang with these rollercoaster vocal arrangements... and upset because no one seems to notice or care that i'm languishing here... compounded by the fact that it seems to make no noticeable difference to the group as a whole whether i contribute or not... which makes me feel insignificant... which makes me want to go back to doing what i do best: quitting and switching to something else (i'd do this more often, but the problem is... after awhile, there's nowhere else to go).

there are people who share my frustrations, but they've been routinely ignored as well. more mature than i, they have learned to adapt to being invisible and have done so for years in environments exponentially more adverse than the one i'm in. no one has listened to them yet, so i almost don't even want to undertake the task of complaining.

"who really cares when i talk, what i feel, what i say... / who wants to take time to understand / i would like someone to heal me with some empathy / i can't find nobody not really" - alicia keys, "nobody not really"

why? because if i'm asked what i would suggest to remedy the problem, what can i say? "send me a dozen roses everyday and i'll feel loved"? that won't work because i'll know that it's only being done to placate me. what's more, i know our leadership team doesn't make concessions like that anyway. i'd be labelled a spoiled child and sent away lollipop-less. what i really want is for someone to first, care that the situation is a problem for me and second, make some attempt however menial to alleviate the problem. right now all i'm getting is dismissed, and i have to tell you, folks, it's really not going over well with me at all.