snap out of it

i think i'll either see my pastor or use the university counseling services, because odds are, it's been months since i excised the anxiety that seems to accumulate from living. i don't feel distanced from God, but he sure seems lately to be something of an inactive volcano...

"now if things feel different, i'm the one trippin' / if we seem distant, i'm the one slippin' / you're the same as you've always been and will be" - the cross movement, "closer to you"

what i said to a friend recently was that i don't "feel saved". it's not like i'm over here whoopin' it up with the hey hey get-ur-sin-on, but i just feel like i'm getting by and not really getting a reciprocal rush when i try to engage in worship and what not. i feel cold towards God and i don't like that. it's not comfortable.

"it's somethin' still wrong wit the picture / i'm workin' for you daily / but barely i'm gettin' wit'cha / somethin's keepin' me from gettin' with you / diggin' in your scripture for food with its infinite truth / you get pushed to the side like when i'm cockin' a brim / it's like we're on the couch but we're on opposite ends / Lord come and put a stop to this trend" - the cross movement, "closer to you"

i'm wont to blame the 15 unit classload because it is stretching my life all out of shape like it was a shirt two-sizes too small. i like it though. i'm getting to indulge in the area of education that was held just beyond arms-length from me for years now. i should be diving into this and loving every minute of it because it's gonna be over in no time, but i'm having trouble focusing though.

"every now and then i can see that i am getting somewhere / where i have to go is so deep / i was angry back then / and you know i still am / but / i have lost too much sleep / and i'm gonna find it" - jennifer knapp, "diamond in the rough"

currently, i'm not sure if i'm getting anywhere. i'm doing quite a bit. too much even. but i'm not even entertaining the idea of stopping. i tend to lean towards having too much going on as opposed to having not enough. i just don't feel like i'm accomplishing much.

if i had my way right now, i might just drop every responsibility and go and do something absolutely pointless like picking daisies in a field and making wreaths out of them for little kids to play with. i just don't want to deal. don't wanna think hard. don't wanna return calls and e-mails. don't want my nose placed against any grind stone. and i've been at this junction of apathy and obstinance so many times before.

and i have a theory. one time my old pastor was detailing the story of a woman swimming from the channel islands to the shore of california for some feat. and from a helicopter, observers could see that she stalled out half way to her destination even though she was going at a pretty good clip for most of the race. well, when she did pick up, get going again, and finish her watery trek, people were curious. "why did you stop halfway in-between?" the woman responded "well, the fog had set in and when i couldn't see where i was going, i lost the energy to get there."

"what's the use / forget it / that's what you keep sayin' / tangled like spaghetti / why folks act so petty / i'm meltin'... / callouses and blisters / workin' hard but goin' nowhere / trouble don't last always / he'll make a way / just wait and see / God has the final say... / don't conversate with the enemy / don't say nothin', just pray / watch the Lord come through / and beat the devil down for you / when the devil try to talk to ya / check yo self / when ya boss got'cha trippin' / better check yo self / snap out of it / snap out of it" - kierra kiki sheard, "s.n.a.p."

bingo! that's me. i'm pretty certain. 'cause right now, i'm just expending energy and lots of it. going back and forth, doing things, calling people, reading pages, understanding little, retaining less, and hoping that somewhere out of this chaos will arise some good grades and accolades. i'm thankful that nothing is bearing down on me so heavy that i can't move, but i can't deny... i am rather tired. i gotta snap out of it though because i'm always encouraging people and trying to motivate them to get where they need to be. it would be a daggone shame if i ended up among the also-rans and didn't make it to the promised land along with the other children of israel.