salty surreal

oops. i know who her new man is. i didn't really wanna know, but i stumbled upon it online. it was on her page a couple links away. i saw cute li'l love notes from december. he's a singer, songwriter, producer, vocalist, nice lookin' guy with dredlocks as long as my arm it seems like. she probably worked with him (like me), got to know him and has now come to love him. that's really ok. even though the drama factory within me is just grappling to blow this out of proportion. wants to go sift through the works of lauryn hill or d'angelo or someone of the like and see if i can find a song appropriate for the occasion of "being introduced" to your ex-girl's new man.

i haven't decide on an emotion to stick with yet. it's not a requirement though. it's perfectly within my rights to remain without affect at all. i would love that. not sure how feasible that option is at this point and let me tell you why. i'm single. happily so. still. but it's spring time and everywhere there's sunshine and the tv tells me that being in love is the thing to do right now. romance. "it's the new black." the tv is always right, you know. hey. by the by... can you hear me rolling my eyes at myself? 'cause i am.

again, i have to keep telling myself i'm ok. because in truth, i am. i was fine before, and i'm fine after. heck. look at me. i'm fine period. too sexy. no for real though. and ironic how my unabashed authentic braggadocio is heavily attributed to her. she praised me until i believed what she said. long after i was gone. i'm thankful for her. i don't regret the time spent.

so back to the main point of all my ramblings. i'm really, really hot. yay and good for me. and just because i wasn't superman enough to make this last relationship work doesn't mean ol' girl has to be doomed to eternal solitude just to make me happy. go on. go ye therefore and get your man. live your life. do your part to fulfill all the potential we said we had and didn't want to stunt within each other. i am obligated to continue undaunted trying to be amazing. i'm doing ok so far. i feel funky right now, but it's a feeling. feelings are inherently ephemeral. it will die within a day and a new feeling will replace it. can you blame me though? you can imagine this is a bit surreal. and it's obvious i'm salty about it. let that roll off your back though. if you ever find this. which i don't intend for you to. 'cause really though...

"what yo man got to do wit me?" :)

ooh! i got one! ok. burt bacharach's "walk on by". the one that says "if u see me walkin' down the street / and i start to cry each time we meet / walk on by... / make believe / that u don't see the tears / just let me grieve in private / 'cause each time i see you / i break down and cry / walk on by". bleh. that's overkill. more drama than adequately suits the situation. so i'll just walk on by that. heh.

but moving on. i wonder... (as i wander)... if... just as a friend to me... you would do me the honor of feeling a little bad yourself when i unexpectedly find and fall in love with a woman who fits me like a glove. i wouldn't do it just to make you upset. but if you were to humor me by turning introspective for a minute, i'd appreciate it. it would be so nice, and i would be eternally grateful. i'll even sweeten the deal. you don't have to ever tell me about it. as a matter of fact, nobody has to know. that's ok with me. i just don't want to be so insignificant to you that you could easily forget about me like i was never there. you know? pretend it was hard to get over me. heck. i didn't see you for months. for all i know, you may have absolutely agonized about it already. all that fuss over li'l ol' me? aww shucks. you shoudn't have...

i'll take it. give it to me.

ok wait. i think i got another one. um, mariah carey. "and you don't remember" from her first or second album. probably second. the first was too 90's adult contemporary. i can find the lyrics... hold on. nevermind. this is too much as well. "Helplessly / I fell so deep / I was so naive / To let you in / Why did I let you in / To my heart / And you don't remember / Anything you told me / You were mine forever / For eternity / I know you don't remember / How you used to hold me / How we'd melt together / Together / How you needed me / How we used to be / In love"

come on now. you're telling me that nobody in the history of R&B has ever written a mild enough heartache song that's bittersweet but not absolutely depressing? i'm lookin' for "oh well, too bad, & so sad". you're giving me "woe is me, i need a drink, & my world is empty without you." and it's so not! please, people? people! get with the program. i'll bet even hallmark marks cards for this. whatever man.

well. for those of you Godfearing blog-voyeurs who've endured these hard times with me, i suppose i should at least touch upon the question of "where is God in all of this?" in truth, there is no situation in life that is irrelevant to him. ok, how about that thing from the book of revelations that kirk franklin quotes at the beginning of "revolution". ok, it's revelation 21:4. "and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes: there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." excellent. that will suffice. ok, i'm done here. and thank you for listening.