why should i feel discouraged?

every now and then i have to ask myself the question: "mark, what is wrong with you?" all this month, i've been fighting off depression like people stave off the common cold. where you might find people wrapped in scarves, scarfing down soups, popping chewable vitamins like candy, january has instead seen a somewhat unwelcome spike in the frequency of fasting, desperation of prayers, and foraging in the Bible. i suppose i wouldn't "feel" so uneasy if i was leaning towards drama and willing to accept it and wallow in pity and what have you, but i'm just not interested. sorry, ain't feelin' it.

i mean, how do you come off of a near 2 month high and drop into this? quoth comedienne phyllis yvonne stickney, "somethin' have got to be did!" i shall not stand for this bullying from satan. i gotta go find me some scripture or cling to me some song or brandish some confession or all of the above. but all this "just-cause-it's-cloudy-outside,-i-gotta-be-cloudy-inside" junk has to go.

"why should i feel discouraged? / why should the shadows come? / why should my heart be lonely / and long for my heav'nly home / when Jesus is my portion? / a constant friend is he / his eye is on the sparrow / and i know he watches me" - "his eye is on the sparrow" (traditional)

so let's ennumerate the blessings again, shall we?

(1) i am returning to csun's beautiful, clean, intellectually burgeoning campus for the first time in 2 years. (2) verdant spring is near, one of my favorite times of year. (3) i've received financial aid for the first time in my nearly 8 year college career. (4) i am sewing up loose ends on several long-lingering web jobs that i've been wanting to put silver bullets into. (5) i'm thrilled to accept the challenge of taking on 15 units (in 5 classes) of upper division art classes even though i'm sure it means i'm going to have to step up my game in a really real way. (6) my church still rocks. everyday. even when we've had hard weeks. (7) Jesus exists, making it possible and worthwhile to continue living and breathing. (8) i finally caught up on my car payment. (9) i have more clothes than i know what to do with and am not pressed to find something nice to wear at most occasions. (10) my strenuous financial situation has only caused me to budget more, be wiser, eat at home more often, and discover a love for spaghetti that i don't think i've ever had before. (11) i had another convo with my mom last night that could have been rocky and disenchanting any other time, but by the time she got off the phone, i didn't want to curse at or disown her. ;-) that lady's alright. (12) somebody who said they would pay me actually did. wow! (13) i'm still surviving well inspite of those who haven't paid me. (14) my financial aid check will actually "aid" me. novel concept, eh? (15) i continue to derive joy from seeing that episode of girlfriends where toni childs gets married and for the recessional, all the girls get their boogie on to shalamar's "a night to remember". (16) i am healthy, confident, and looking pretty gosh darn handsome these days. recalling what it feels like to not feel this way, i wholly appreciate the change. (17) i just finished watching the last episodes on my first season of taxi dvd collection and i found out that the 4-disc second season will be released this tuesday. the timing couldn't be more perfect. (18) not having the money to buy it right now only gives me something to look forward to in the near future. (19) i finally got a new weekly calendar insert for my dayrunner so i can start getting my life organized.