dancer in the dark

"Why do I love it so much? / What kind of magic is this? / How come I can't help adore it? / It's just another musical / No one minds it at all / If I'm having a ball / This is a musical / And there is always someone to catch me / When I'd fall" - Bjork, "In The Musicals, Pt. 1 & 2" from Selmasongs.

So, recently, I ventured to purchase a copy of Tonex's Out The Box - The Movie DVD. However, I'd heard mixed reviews of it, so I watched someone elses copy before I unwrapped my own. I must say. To call this man talented is an understatement. I've always known that from back in 1999 when I met him right before he blew up to high heaven. Having had my own struggles with common hatation, it was awhile before I could enjoy his music and ministry on its own merit.

Whenever I watch any artistic work, I'm looking for something I can identify with. Well, unfortunately I found something. There's a little interlude on this DVD where the band indulges in a round of standard fare churchy church shoutin' music (which I have little to no affinity for, but can appreciate on a familiar level). The guy begins playing the organ and then walks across the stage to play a piano, then stage left to a clavichord, then again to play the drums (each time bumping a previously busy musician off of his post), then back to the microphone (his native weapon of mass destruction), and finishes off with a shouting dance that's part hoedown and part riverdance.

It seemed to scream "If I'm multi-talented and you know it, clap your hands" *clap, clap* Now, granted, I was a little chagrinned by the deliberate show, but I can't hate. Because I'm guilty of the same self-aggrandizing. It completely brought to mind the quiet implosion of me trying so hard to display my many colors at my church this year in April for the Resurrection Day service. I went from playing piano, to switching clothes to do an exquisite routine with the praise dance ensemble, to switching clothes again to perform my cover of Prince's "I Would Die 4 U" which I am consummately convinced is about Jesus and not about Prince's odd pseudo-messianic sexuality.

They were all received well, and I performed them all very well, but no one was particularly moved with my ability to wear 3 hats in a day. Just the same, my eyes and mind comprehend that Tonex has amazingly incredible talents, but the whole of my being just refuses to fall down and worship him for it. As a matter of fact, it's slightly off-putting even though I'm sure he means well. I don't think I want to be guilty of that anymore. I have no means nor any desire to judge Tonex, but for me, this whole year has been an exercise in being superior, yet in the shadows. Being the best, but in the background.

What have we learned, little children? *all repeat in juvenile synchronicity* "It's not about me!"