tonight, i celebrate my love

if i may be both frank and intimate... i have this wild idea. lately i've been feeling disconnected from God despite my praying, despite my studying, despite my worship. the feeling is parallel with the point in natural relationships where you stop feeling googly-eyed and the "honeymoon period" is over. someone in bible study tonite was saying how they used to feel like they walked really close to God, but then they kinda got away from it a little bit. and then they kinda got away from it a lot. now they're back and trying to be cozied up and cool with God, but it doesn't feel the same.

well, i had to chime in and admit that i was feeling pretty much the same, but in a slightly different scenario. i've been a serious christian since like 1998. so 6 years ago, everything i was discovering in God was new and novel. i was enrapt with spending time in prayer and fasting and reading the Bible because it was a completely different area of myself that i had never taken time or occasion to explore and indulge. fast forward to the present time. i'm more of an adult than i was then, and by that, i mean i'm less wide-eyed, a little jaded here and there, and nonchalant about most all things Christ-centric. i don't want to be that way.

someone tonight proposed that because we grow older in Christ and some things become familiar. you can't just keep the same routine and expect God to respond the same way everytime. makes sense. i mean, he's a living being right? it was suggested that just as a father encourages his child to walk towards him by outstretching his arms to the child but standing a few baby steps away, so God may seem distant at times when he wants us to put in a little more work to feel the comforting embrace we've become so familiar with. the point is not to deprive us of comfort, but to motivate us to grow.

vis-à-vis, i have to pull an emeril and kick it up a notch. as it stands, my God-contact weekly consists roughly of: prayer in sprinkles... during church, a few words in the morning, a few words before bed, and some one-liners during the day, plus additional short supplications if anything goes wrong during the week; reading 1 and perhaps 2 chapters of the bible everyday;

you know, i was hoping to have something else after that semicolon, but sadly, that's all. i don't even count the 2 or 3 church activities i attend during the week, because most of my attention is focused on some church task. albeit important, these things don't outrank devoting time and attention to Christ. poor Jesus has to compete for my affections with everything and everyone. i'm always working on some website, futzing with e-mail, watching some sitcom, talking to someone on the phone, running off to work, shopping for something i don't need or doing something else that has selfishness at the root. herein lies the problem. Christ can't get a word in edgewise. hence, our romance is as the side of a large bed that hasn't had a warm body in it in awhile.

my endeavor now is to rekindle that romance. this is the crazy idea. well, not so much crazy as slightly unconventional. i'm thinking that if it were a 5+ year old marriage i was trying to rekindle romance in, what would i do?


let's see... wait until she's not home, clean the house up, send the kid(s) away for awhile, buy her a nice appropriate gift, have dinner prepared, put together a mix of songs on CD that you used to listen to when you first fell in love, dim the lights, burn some candles, enjoy the meal, and just spend some time together. if the situation calls for it, turn the music off, and slow dance on the kitchen floor. barefoot. no phone calls, no televisions, no interruptions. just sacrifice your undivided attention for a few hours to communicate in no uncertain terms: "you really are more important than all of those things that keep us from doing this more often."


as it relates to my God: i think... i would like... to wait until my roommate's not home, clear all the papers off of my floor, turn the ringer off of my phone and the volume on the answering machine down (so i can't screen the calls), fast for a day, put on a mix of songs I used to listen to when I first became really close with God, dim the lights, burn some candles, and spend some time with God... talking to him, listening to him, singing to him, telling him what i think is most beautiful about him, thanking him for little things he does that i don't acknowledge enough, and just being comforted by knowing he's there. if the situation calls for it, turn the music off, and just lie face down on the floor in reverence. just sacrificing my attention, undivided to communicate in no uncertain terms: "you really are more important... than life."

the twenty-dollar miracle

a few days ago, pastor andrea preached on stewardship. not just of money, but of relationships. the subtitle of this second installment was "am i my brother's keeper?" she laid out a great paradigm of the 4 men who lowered a paralyzed man down through the roof of a house so that he could get to Jesus and be healed. of course she implored, how many of your friends would do that for you? would you do it for them? are we bearing each others burdens when we see that there's a need? well at the end of the sermon she always gives a challenge. this week's challenge was just to ask God if there was a need to be met and if so, fulfill it. i had my answer before she asked the question, so that was more of a "confirmation e-mail" from God. a carless friend of mine recently started a new job and needed a loan on bus fare. so i just gave it to him... at least what i had of it. problem is, that left me relatively cashless. so i was like "*sigh* alright God, you told me to gift the cash, so i need you to take care of me here..."

it wasn't TOO scary. i was a bit more prepared for the threat of famine this time. after two incidents of no-money and no-food intersected at the same time last month, i made it my business to stock up fridge and freezer with sustenance in case of low cash flow. my gas tank was pretty much full, and if worst came to worst, i had a few spots of pocket change stashed away in a few accounts (not counting the bank of in-between-my-car's-seats). still, all of this amounted to some heavy insecurity. any unforeseen mild emergency, and i was gonna be pretty defenseless.

but thankfully God heard me hollerin'. i discovered via serendipity that someone had purchased a copy of my album you are here from the markwashere.com website. i didn't notice because for some reason hotmail filtered the purchase notice into my junkmail folder. but i checked my bank account and noticed money there that i had not expected. it was great. no sooner than i called for help, it was actually in my possession before i could get into the door of my house. people, that so rocks. everyday.

buh- buh- but wait! there's more!

i get up this morning and someone e-mailed me saying that they bought a copy of the CD from my church on Sunday and have been listening to it pretty much everyday to "get going". i was amazed. i was like. this is great! and i didn't even do anything to deserve it. she wants to buy another one immediately to give to a friend this weekend.

shush. i know we're only talking roughly $20 worth of miracle here. but when you're hard pressed to find 5? 20 is eligible for miracle status. see? it really does keep getting better. :)

me and my lord in the morning

my friend ken came to church once and sang a very intimate praise song called "me and my lord (in the morning)" about how pleasant it is to worship first thing in the morning before the day can get to you. afterward, i was joking with him and the rest of our praise team saying, "man. i can't sing that song, 'cause in the morning? me and my lord are asleep." last week, my intent was to get up at 5:30am so that i can attend a prayer meeting. friends, romans, countrymen... that... failed... miserably.

so i'm making another attempt tomorrow ('cause i really tryna convince God that i wanna be down with him right? lol). i thought i'd make it easier on myself by inviting a friend to help motivate me. when i'm responsible for someone else getting someplace or doing something, i try a little harder to accomplish the goal. i called my boy hakim, my twin, partner in crime, dorkus maximus, the only person i know of who can keep up with my incessant simpsons-based inside jokes. he's my brother, he can go, he'll help me be saved this week, right? that plan derailed. because though hak's a morning person and originally said yes to it, realized that tomorrow is father's day and seeing as he actually has a father figure to honor, he's gonna be with his own fam for church today.

=sigh=

and so abruptly ends my plan to get someone to help carpool me into heaven. i don't think God will fault me for trying, but what he has done is exposed whether or not i'm halfway real about this. my resolve needs to be to do the right thing even when you have to do it alone. i need to be able and willing to sacrifice sleep to pray or sacrifice food to fast or something. God's not just gonna deliver all of heaven to my doorstep with sausage and extra cheese.

so hopefully, i can go back to the previous deal. i'm trying to reach a goal that seems unbelievably far away right now. however, God has often times in the past, matched my effort. for every one of the first few labored steps i take to pull myself up by the bootstraps, he'll pick me up and carry me for a half a block or so. i can work with that. i'm a little disappointed that hakim couldn't be my early-in-the-morning ryde-or-die prayer partner, but i'll accept Jesus' sworn help as a consolation prize. i mean isn't that the goal anyway?

this is a test

this is a test of the emergency blogcast system. this is only a test. however, in the event of an actual emotional disaster, it's good to know "someone is listening". i tell you, everyone i know who monitors this blog e-mailed me to ask if i was ok. my apologies for worrying ya'll. upon re-reading what i wrote, i did sound pretty destitute. everything's ok though. just as predictably unpredictable as usual, i woke up this morning feeling great... and eating anything in the house that was standing still or moving slowly.

today has been productive. i put in a good 4 hours work on a flash eCard for deitrick haddon's voices of unity choir for gospelflava.com. however, not that much. i'm trying not to obsess over details so much because if all goes correctly, no one will ever know i'm responsible for it. keep in mind, i have no beef with gospelflava, but the other designers i guess were jealous that my resume (www.markcoston.com) shows the impressive range of clientele i've gotten the opportunity to do work for from fred hammond and karen clark sheard to t.d. jakes and donnie mcclurkin and vickie winans, etc.

they've worried my broker senseless complaining how their contract disallows them from doing the same thing. whereas, my contract... *drum roll, please* is non-existent.

i don't know why i have such a sweet deal with the people at gf, but essentially, it was put on the grill when someone asked me to either remove the credit from my website (MY website mind you) to continue the business relationship or take my body of work and dissolve the business relationship. this rift has come up before, and the first time, it rocked my world. second time, i was more ready, so i said "fine. dissolve it. we're all good, no hard feelings."

i prayed about it though and i believe God said, "no, work it out." so i told my man who manages the operation and amazingly he said God told him the same thing. i say amazingly because i haven't always been a model independent contractor. there were some periods there where malaisse and apathy set in deep and i fudged deadlines and turned in work that while still impressive was below the level i had normally set.

well anyway, this is the first project i've done for them since the ultimatum came forth. the most impressive names i've done work for may be disappearing from my resume. so... if you're listening, please make note to go to www.markcoston.com look at the folio and say "yay! mark was here!" 'cause later, those works are likely to be gone.

seasick and mismanaged

yesterday, i felt great, felt bright, felt wonderful. i got ready to go to prayer/worship rehearsal and i felt funky. i spent a good portion of the evening trying to shake that feeling. post prayer, post praise, i felt better. as soon as i left the rehearsal, i felt worse. i felt lonely, i felt anonymous, i felt lost and in limbo. today, again, i feel great. i feel fine. now, i'm not expecting to take another nose dive today right around 7pm. right now i'd really like to rip a page from mary j. blige's book and just be happy. i do get tired of being up one day, down the next, and then having the frequency increase to where you have multiple ups and downs per day. it's enough to make one emotionally seasick. i mean, with consistency like this, i'm on the same level as any cross-section of drug users... and that just ain't cool. what do i have to do to be steady? tell me who i have to be to get some stability? this is about to turn into a fiercesome rant, so i'll pull back now. the point is, i'm having a problem with feeling management right now. don't it make u wanna go numb.

i just don't know what's got into me

people. i fear the end of the world is coming soon, for I... yes, I, purchased a fred hammond album of my own volition, with my own money, and... =gasp!= i am SO feelin' it! lovin' it! i'm talkin' repeated spins. Somethin' 'Bout Love is the best album i've found since Tonex's Out The Box double-disc dropped a few weeks ago. and this coming from a man as dogged in his hateration of fred hammond as saul was in his persecution of christians before damascus road happened. ya'll, i DO NOT know what has gotten into me.

but i'll tell you this. like most things us men do that don't make sense. it started with my eyes. i loved the cover for some reason. the color, the composition, and the earthiness of fred being photographed with his instrument. i absolutely love the guitar on the cover. and then, of course, when fred hammond shows up on 106 & park to perform his new single, you kinda have to stand up and pay SOME attention. on first listen, i really wasn't impressed with "celebrate (he lives)", but i had to admit that it didn't annoy me to my core like so many other fred hammond songs had. i was actually surprised to hear him using his voice in a different way (soft handed understated falsetto as opposed to that trademark gritty, nasal whine that i quickly grew tired of).

make no mistake, there's still a little hatation left, but nothing is ever absolute. even in my state of complete fred hammond haterizing, i dug one or two songs here and there, like "no way, no way (you won't lose)", "that ain't nothin'", of course his collabo with kirk franklin "my desire", and my all time favorite "please don't pass me by". but it was hardly enough for me to drop cash on the album... which brings me to the other factor.

i bought the album used for $5.99 in one of my favorite used cd stores that often gets secularly distributed gospel cds and knows not what to do with them. so i decided i'd buy it because it was cheap, because getting it early would make me feel elite. plus, worse case scenario, i know hundreds of church folk who would step over their own mother to get that CD early and i like to just bless people with music whenever i can. however, i listened to the disc before i left the store. to my surprise, just the first few seconds of each track were all i needed to engage me to wanting to hear more. and i was also pleasantly surprised that fred branched out and let someone else handle some of the production.

warryn campbell worked wonders on the two songs he had a hand in. "lord we need your love" just brings out the mellow, groovy best in fred and his high profile guest vocalists marvin winans sr. and brian mcknight don't overpower him, but they all mesh together really well. then, "loved on me" takes that trademark fred hammond fat-man holler, reworks it, and makes it stellar. i can't believe i'd like a song like that. still, everytime i hear fred hollerin' the intro, i have to smile. and i think it's funny how he sings that "luvvved owwwwn me... thain-kya Jeeeezzz...!" you know the one where old folk sing the first syllable and then slur the "sus" part into a Z sound.

i also can't believe i can diatribe this long with this much zeal about a fred hammond project. all the songs are true to form fred hammond, but there's a distinct evolution. he kicked it up a notch. a lot of tracks feel very old school, but have the savvied delivery of any modern R&B song. yet, it's still the same uncompromised gospel message fred is known for and a timely one at that. ALL of the songs are about love and i could use some of that, 'cause i've been wantin' to bite peoples' heads off all weekend. don't know why, but i opted not to blog while in such a fowl mood. lest i need to print a retraction.

but anyway... my point is: fred's new album rocks... everyday. yeah, i said it.

shutup.